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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My poor dog

37 replies

indiandreaming · 22/01/2024 11:29

I put my beloved dog to sleep on Wednesday. She moved in with me and my boyfriend in April 2023 when my brother could no longer care for her. Whilst she was my dog, my boyfriend was exceptional with her and cared for her until the end. We were both very upset when we had to put her to sleep and we cried together at our loss.

His kids came over for dinner last night for the first time, 22, 17 and 14 and not once did they acknowledge her death to me. I was really upset and went upstairs and did not come back down til they left. They only live round the corner so they pop round for food when they want.

Am I right to be upset? My boyfriend said they passed their condolences to him when he told them she had passed away, via their family chat, but he did not tell me this at the time. I said they should've still reached out to me. His other family members have messaged me directly as they live abroad.

He knew I was upset last night so he asked the oldest who said he didn't say anything as he didn't want to upset me. I said he still should've said something. Of course I would be upset and it's not like I was gonna start crying in his arms.

I never asked them to ever help look after my dog. She would greet them at the door when they arrived but she was never intrusive or wanted them to play with her. She was just happy to be sat amongst us and they all petted her.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. Ive lived with him for over 3 of them. Whilst I don't have a relationship with them, I am still pleasant and acknowledge their highs and lows and make sure the house is clean for when they come over.

His ex hasn't even messaged me. They all knew how much my dog meant to me and I feel like they just tolerated her as they do me and I feel so disrespected. I have no children of my own.

They have guinea pigs and a cat so I know they like animals and I always ask after them.

Am I being too sensitive.

OP posts:
Haydenn · 22/01/2024 11:33

This is so tough OP, I’m really sorry for your loss.

we are particularly bad at expressing feelings in this country and taking about death. Is it possible that they just didn’t know what to say, or didn’t want to upset you further?

Perhapsanorhertimewouldbebetter · 22/01/2024 11:36

Sorry for your loss.
That said, I don't think we can control how much grief a person has or shows. Maybe they weren't as upset or maybe they felt talking about it would make you all upset.
They did give their condolences to OH so it's not as if they didn't acknowledge it at all.

VainAbigail · 22/01/2024 11:37

YABU. I have a dog and as much as I’ll miss her when she’s gone, she’s not a relative to my family or important to anyone other than the people in my house. I’d just mention that she’d gone and then probably (but most definitely not expected) people might say “ahh bless” and then life would continue. This is also how it happened when we lost our older dog 4 years ago. I think you’re expecting too much off people.

Mindyour0wn · 22/01/2024 11:40

It's not being unreasonable to expect people to acknowledge you might be sad about your dog. Who doesn't try and offer some words of comfort to people who are grieving? Sorry for your loss OP.

TroysMammy · 22/01/2024 11:41

Sorry for your loss but you are being too sensitive.

I've had beloved pets die. One of my pets, Troy, had a Facebook page and I documented his day in a humorous way but when he passed away from hypertrophic cardiomyopathy I posted on my Facebook page and Mumsnet on The Litter Tray as I'd had good support.

He was my pet and no matter how much we love and miss him we wouldn't expect the usual condolences you get when a human family member dies.

ACynicalDad · 22/01/2024 11:45

If you're not a dog person, it's just a dog. Adolescents aren't that great at expressing themselves. There is nothing sinister and YABU to expect teenagers to open up what for them may be an awkward subject if they can ignore it.

BrittlePeanut · 22/01/2024 11:47

I think that part of the problem is that we seem to find discussing death more difficult now. We tend to avoid the words dead, death and died at all costs, preferring to use euphemisms such as passed, passed away/over. I would believe that they were uncomfortable with saying something to you in case they upset you and I think this shows that they do care about you more than you may think.

SmellyKat10 · 22/01/2024 11:52

Nah I totally buy the “I didn’t want to upset her” argument.

I’m a bit socially awkward and I really struggle with knowing what to say or whether to say anything etc. and I’m not 17.

also…I mean I’m sorry about your dog, that’s really sad
for you. But expecting your partners ex to text you about it is a bit…much.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 22/01/2024 11:53

BrittlePeanut · 22/01/2024 11:47

I think that part of the problem is that we seem to find discussing death more difficult now. We tend to avoid the words dead, death and died at all costs, preferring to use euphemisms such as passed, passed away/over. I would believe that they were uncomfortable with saying something to you in case they upset you and I think this shows that they do care about you more than you may think.

This.

It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that they don’t know what to say. My nieces and nephews on dh’s side didn’t say anything directly to me when I lost my dm, but they did pass on condolences via in-laws and that was enough. It’s not ideal but some people feel uncomfortable talking about death.

QueenBean22 · 22/01/2024 11:54

I’m sorry for your loss, pets are a big part of our lives as your lovely dog was to you and the pain is unbearable.

As someone who has been recently bereaved, I have found that some people even those close to me have trouble in talking to me about it.

Hope your pain subsides soon, take care

Missingmyusername · 22/01/2024 11:56

Aww I’m sorry for your loss 💐they take up so much of our lives, they mean alot and I don’t think people always grasp that.

Perhaps they want to upset you further, is there any chance they were told not to mention it?

98percent · 22/01/2024 11:58

You asked if you are being too sensitive and alas, yes I think you are. You said you left the room and stayed upstairs till they'd gone because they'd not acknowledged the passing of your dog?

Our pets mean the world to us but it's not reasonable to expect others to understand how much they mean to us. We were very upset when we had to put our much loved cat to sleep but I wouldn't have expected people to pass on condolences in the way they did when my mum died.

Sorry for your loss.

NotQuiteNorma · 22/01/2024 12:00

But the dog didn't even live with you until it's final year? Your brother kept it for you?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/01/2024 12:05

Some people see animals almost as people, whereas others see them as "just animals", and it wouldn't occur to them that the loss of a pet you acquired last year could be that big a deal. I've noticed this many times, and the upset it causes to "animal people", but I don't think any harm is meant by it, so try not to view them as heartless. They genuinely don't understand how upset you are.

AllFunAndGamesUntilYoureRunningForTheLastTrain · 22/01/2024 12:09

I said he still should've said something
You can’t control what others do and not everyone can be expected to behave as you would, especially a young adult who still hasn’t fully got the skills to maybe deal with some things yet.

His ex hasn't even messaged me
I’m not sure I would expect her to tbh.

They all knew how much my dog meant to me and I feel like they just tolerated her as they do me and I feel so disrespected.
I think in your grief you have latched onto a perceived slight and it’s disproportionately made you aggrieved over them not acting how you wanted them to.

I’m very sorry for your loss, I am still devastated by the loss of my pet. It hurts that no one understands how much the grief hurts and just carries on, but I accept his death is only hugely devastating to me, as the loss of your dog is to you.
I hope your heart heals a little soon Flowers

AliceS1994 · 22/01/2024 12:11

Sorry for your loss, it is devastating and I am still grief stricken 2 years in from the loss of my beloved cat.

Honestly though, I would not expect teens and young adults if that way to understand your grief, or to know how to sensitively express their condolences. It's actually a very sophisticated and nuanced skill that most adults even struggle to get right all the time. Death is still a very taboo subject. Many people do not acknowledge pet deaths as the same as human deaths, although thats not true for so many people, myself included. Accept that they didn't want to upset and focus on taking care of yourself.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/01/2024 12:12

No wonder you’re upset OP, I do feel for you. 💐
Maybe they didn’t want to upset you by mentioning it and reminding you.
People can be so callous and thoughtless, though.

I actually had a non-doggy person say to me, after the dog we’d had for 14 years had been PTS, ‘Oh, well, you can always get another.’ As if we’d had the Tv nicked or something. 😰

TonTonMacoute · 22/01/2024 12:16

From your OP you have only had the dog since April last year. Is that right?That's not that long for them to have built up much of a relationship with her.

Im very sorry for your loss but I think you are being a bit U.

andymary · 22/01/2024 12:16

"...he asked the oldest who said he didn't say anything as he didn't want to upset me."
There's your answer right there.
They came over for dinner, and obviously didn't want to bring it up incase it upset you more. Sounds like they were being respectful of your feelings to me.

WagWoofWalkMeeoow · 22/01/2024 12:19

his children are probably being truthful when they say they didn't want to upset you, but probably mean they didn't want to deal with anything emotional.

none of the children I know in that age bracket would have said anything either.

and what's with expecting HIS EX to get in touch, I wouldn't even expect it if a parent had died.

Especially when you've only had the dog a few months.

i know how heartbreaking it is, but I think YABU expecting people you're not close to, to say/do anything.

Mumof2teens79 · 22/01/2024 12:20

Yes I think you are being too sensitive and expecting a lot.
The dog had not even lived with you a year.
And the kids are young
But I think expecting people to extend sympathies is a lot....especially if you Don't really have a relationship.

AmethystSparkles · 22/01/2024 12:24

They’re quite young and don’t have the social skills to know how to deal with this. I’m sorry but it’s a bit childish of you to expect them to offer words of comfort.

My two are autistic so maybe slightly different, but it wouldn’t occur to them to say anything. (One of them would be upset if you explained to him how upset you were.) I’d be really upset if their dad’s new partner expected comfort from them and went off in a strop because she didn’t get it. Your expectations are too high.

I am very sorry about your dog (I have two dogs and I adore them) but my feelings about them are my responsibility. I acknowledge that I may be coming from a place of never having received comfort for anything though and I’m used to it.

AmethystSparkles · 22/01/2024 12:31

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/01/2024 12:12

No wonder you’re upset OP, I do feel for you. 💐
Maybe they didn’t want to upset you by mentioning it and reminding you.
People can be so callous and thoughtless, though.

I actually had a non-doggy person say to me, after the dog we’d had for 14 years had been PTS, ‘Oh, well, you can always get another.’ As if we’d had the Tv nicked or something. 😰

I did something similar. I’m autistic and at the time was useless socially. I asked if my neighbour had got rid of her dogs (they’d died😳😳😳).

She clearly hated me after that. I’ve always adored dogs too and have two bichons almost glued to me 24 hours a day!

Luckily I now have exceptional social skills as I’ve worked very hard on them!

wilmer1974 · 22/01/2024 12:42

Thank you All. My dog wasn't a fish that was in a fish bowl; she was very much part of our household. She was everywhere and a member of the family. I think it is social etiquette to say something. I passed on my condolences when their bearded dragon died. Regarding the ex, she comes over with the kids regularly, and she knows that I don't have any friends and family here and that I only live in this town because of my boyfriend. I work from home, too, so I don't see anyone. Everyone who ever met her has passed on their condolences, even colleagues of my partner who did not meet her but knew we had a dog and acknowledged her death. I think it's just rude not to say something. You can say I don't know what to say to you, and still say a million things. I think it's a cultural thing.

KarenNotAKaren · 22/01/2024 12:48

Ah OP I’m sorry to hear about your pooch. I used to have dogs and won’t anymore for various reasons including it being so tough when they pass on.

I think some people are super awkward around death and are terrified that someone will cry in front of them. People are quite involved in their own lives and problems and just forget that others are going through the same. Plus 2 of them are just teenagers and so they get extra self-absorbent ‘points’ by nature of being a teen! Right now you’re grieving and therefore probably more sensitive than usual so I would just give it time and not dwell on how other people’s reactions (or lack thereof).

As an aside, 2 of your your SC (kind of SC) are still quite young and their dad lives with you - you say you don’t have a relationship with them, I really think you should make the effort. 5 years is a long time to build up a relationship and it’s a shame that it hasn’t got past what seems like pleasantries and small talk. Perhaps if you were closer they’d have been more confident to share their condolences? A good reason to start building a relationship up now!