My poor dog

[indiandreaming]

I put my beloved dog to sleep on Wednesday. She moved in with me and my boyfriend in April 2023 when my brother could no longer care for her. Whilst she was my dog, my boyfriend was exceptional with her and cared for her until the end. We were both very upset when we had to put her to sleep and we cried together at our loss.

His kids came over for dinner last night for the first time, 22, 17 and 14 and not once did they acknowledge her death to me. I was really upset and went upstairs and did not come back down til they left. They only live round the corner so they pop round for food when they want.

Am I right to be upset? My boyfriend said they passed their condolences to him when he told them she had passed away, via their family chat, but he did not tell me this at the time. I said they should've still reached out to me. His other family members have messaged me directly as they live abroad.

He knew I was upset last night so he asked the oldest who said he didn't say anything as he didn't want to upset me. I said he still should've said something. Of course I would be upset and it's not like I was gonna start crying in his arms.

I never asked them to ever help look after my dog. She would greet them at the door when they arrived but she was never intrusive or wanted them to play with her. She was just happy to be sat amongst us and they all petted her.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. Ive lived with him for over 3 of them. Whilst I don't have a relationship with them, I am still pleasant and acknowledge their highs and lows and make sure the house is clean for when they come over.

His ex hasn't even messaged me. They all knew how much my dog meant to me and I feel like they just tolerated her as they do me and I feel so disrespected. I have no children of my own.

They have guinea pigs and a cat so I know they like animals and I always ask after them.

Am I being too sensitive.

I just spotted the bit about you being upset his ExW didn’t text you - is there a significance of the relationship there OP?

Oh dear yes you are being too sensitive. I’ve never ever gotten in touch with any friend who has had their pet pts because when it was me I didn’t want to talk about it at all. I think you do need to grow up a bit though - why in earth would you expect to hear from your DP ex?

I think this would be an ideal moment for your DP to talk to them about how to talk to grieving people. They need to understand that their awkwardness is not the priority.

I notice you said you don't have a relationship with them - at all? Even though you live with their dad?

I'm sorry for the loss of your dog but I think you're being way too sensitive. Feeling disrespected and expecting your partner's ex to text you is way over the top.
How can you not have a relationship with his children after five years?

It’s crap to not recognise significant events in the lives of our loved ones. Especially ones which are so emotionally impactful. Don’t let mumsnet convince you otherwise.

Their lack of empathy could never detract from the good times you shared with your dog. You made sure he spent his last days loved and comforted.

I lost 2 stone when my boy died and years later tears still fall for him (but in a nice way). How lucky we are to have experienced that mutual unconditional love.

Sorry for you loss, OP. Spoil yourself in whichever ways you can.

I have two kids in upper teens/early 20s and I am not sure that they would have brought it up in these circumstances you mention. Especially since they had already offered their condolances to your partner.

You say that you don't have a relationship with them, you had the dog for less than a year and teens are terrible when it comes to offer support to unrelated adults. That side developes much later in life for most of them and comes with a bit of life experience. I think you are expecting way too much from them.

Sorry your dog passed away OP. That's really tough.

I think if I had passed on my condolences via message I would have assumed they would be passed on to you and then I can see not wanting to bring it up in person in case it upset you. Especially given the age of those involved I can see them feeling awkward/ unsure of how to address this appropriately. I would try and move on and not take this personally. I would imagine the last thing the kids wanted to do was upset you further.

Other way around I think - dog belonged to the brother and for whatever reason he couldn’t care for it so the OP had the dog for 9 months or so before it died

Name change fail OP?

Having read this I think you’re expecting too much from 2 children and a young adult who you, by your own admission, don’t have a relationship with. Also I would expect a stepparent to condole a child about the loss of a pet - parent/child dynamics are something of a double standards but for a good reason.

As an aside yes us Brits are super awkward about death but as someone who lost a parent quite young can I urge people to see that avoiding the elephant in the room is waaaaaaaaay more awkward than talking about the death.

The approach is always use now when a friend has lost a loved one is “So do you want to talk about it? If you do I’ll talk as much as you want but if not I promise to keep schtum”. That way you aren’t upsetting or offending anyone!

I think you're being totally unreasonable.

The dog lived with you for 9 months.

The young people do not live with you and have a limited relationship with you. They visit your house to see their father.

I have no idea why you think they need to console you (an adult) for your sadness at the death of your pet. It wasn't their pet, it wasn't their father's pet.

I can imagine the conversation back at their mothers if they told her you were expected her to call you to 'express condolences'

Speaking as someone who ADORES dogs, I think YABU.

It's not about how much you loved your dog, it's just about the fact that people don't always know what the best thing is to do in that situation - regardless of whether it's a pet or any other loss.

One of my colleagues lost her dad a couple of years ago and she actually found it really, really hard when people offered their condolences when she came back to work. She just didn't want to talk about it. Every time it was mentioned, she just felt tearful. People meant well, of course, but actually they just upset her more. That wasn't their fault - they weren't to know she didn't want to talk about it. But equally, your partner's kids weren't to know that you did want to hear their condolences - they didn't want to bring up a subject you might have found upsetting. It isn't their fault that this isn't you preferred way of doing things.

I'm really sorry you lost your dog, but you are being incredibly harsh on your partner's kids and making this into something it isn't.