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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put DS in nursery one day a week?

52 replies

Bature · 22/01/2024 00:03

I have a seven month old DS. He’s a glorious wee man, but we have exclusively contact napped and bed shared since he was born. This means that for the last seven months, I have almost always had him somewhere about my person. I’m finding it exhausting. I made a rod for my own back and really don’t want to sleep train, so feel a bit stuck.

DH does more than his share, taking DS in the mornings and on weekends, so I can get some proper sleep. But, I’m still pretty desperate for some proper time to myself and it’s starting to depress me a bit. I don’t even want to do anything, I just want some time alone where I don’t have to engage and can hear myself think.

DH has suggested putting DS in nursery one day a week, so I can have a day to myself. There are several very good ones near us. On the one hand, a day to myself would be lovely. On the other, I worry that DS is too young and think I’d feel very guilty about dumping him in nursery for no other reason than to veg in silence.

Has anyone else done this? Do you have suggestions as to what else I might do?

OP posts:
BrutusMcDogface · 22/01/2024 00:10

I think I might start with weaning him off the contact naps. Will he sleep in the pram if you go for a walk, for example? I am all for mums having time to themselves (I literally go insane without it) but it might be a big shock for him to suddenly go to nursery for a whole day. Also, in my experience and from talking to my own kids’ nursery workers, two mornings would work better than one whole day a week at that age.

Marblessolveeverything · 22/01/2024 00:17

One day a week isn't enough for him to build a relationship. This usually means an upset baby which will probably make him even more clingy.

I would work on reducing the contact naps and consider more days less duration?

I had to put my son in as I returned to work at six months. I think it was successful because he had a routine of four days.

Original poster
Bature · 22/01/2024 00:18

BrutusMcDogface · 22/01/2024 00:10

I think I might start with weaning him off the contact naps. Will he sleep in the pram if you go for a walk, for example? I am all for mums having time to themselves (I literally go insane without it) but it might be a big shock for him to suddenly go to nursery for a whole day. Also, in my experience and from talking to my own kids’ nursery workers, two mornings would work better than one whole day a week at that age.

He does fall asleep in the pram, but not for very long.

We’ve tried to put him down for naps, but he simply won’t have it. From friends, my understanding is that nursery is quite helpful with getting them to nap independently?

I worry that it might be too much for him. I’d be happy to start with one morning, with a view to moving to two mornings. Any time at all would be great, tbh. I just don’t want to traumatise my poor baby. 🫤

OP posts:
hargiuni · 22/01/2024 00:19

I think it's good for parents to get a break if they need it, but I'd agree that a day of nursery isn't ideal from the baby's point of view. Generally it's better to do at least a couple of days if you're going to use nursery, to allow them to get used to the routine. And more half days are better than fewer full days.

In your situation I'd try to find someone like a nanny or babysitter for shorter periods rather than a nursery. More one to one attention for the baby and could be done in your home which would be more familiar.

BrutusMcDogface · 22/01/2024 00:21

Going back to my comment about two mornings, reiterated by a pp; little ones need a shorter times between nursery days, so for example a Tuesday and Thursday morning instead of one whole day each week. It means that they don’t forget and go back to square one each week. Little and more often enables them to get used to being looked after in a different environment.

Heathenland · 22/01/2024 00:22

Have you considered a mother's help?

HoppingPavlova · 22/01/2024 00:27

None of our nurseries/daycares will take babies or children for 1 day a week, it’s a 2 day minimum. Supposedly 1 day is not enough to build the required relationship with carers at nursery, peers etc.

ImustLearn2Cook · 22/01/2024 00:30

@Bature I worked in nursery for many years. In my experience babies and children who only go for one day a week tend to not settle well and find it harder. If you want to try nursery I advise two days a week. To help baby transition to going to nursery start by visiting with him. Then leave him for an hour or so, then increase hours to half days and if you want and it is going well, increase to full days.

But even two half days is better than one full day.

Manth101 · 22/01/2024 00:50

My DD(6) and twins DS(3) all went in to nursery at 9 months old for 2 afternoons a week (10 hours a week) and honestly it was more scary for me than them. I had to return to work so didn't have much of an option but if I'd done it all over again I'd still have done it. I don't think they'd have handled a whole day but thats just my kids, 5 hours a session twice a week was enough for them to get a change of scenery, build new relationships and gain some extra social skills. Its of course an adjustment and might take time initially but tbh if they're tired they'll eventually sleep with you there or not.

My daughter is in school and transitioned really well and am hopeful that the boys will too in September. I say give it a go, stick it out for a couple of months and see how it fits with you as a family and if it works out well take some quality time for yourself!

WestendGrrls · 22/01/2024 01:22

It may give you a break, but it won't solve the underlying problem that you are permanently attached for every nap. I don't suggest sleep training either but you could you lie down somewhere safe with him then edge away when he is in a deep sleep?

Cantdoitagain1 · 22/01/2024 01:26

You definitely need some time to yourself. I would investigate whether you can find and afford a babysitter as that would probably be an easier transition for your baby (1 day a week is a difficult transition - not often enough) but failing that consider two days of nursery maybe with shorter hours. And you aren’t “dumping” him at all. Don’t take on that pointless guilt.

Justfinking · 22/01/2024 01:58

If you're going to send him to nursery, then why not just sleep train? There are more gentle ways to do it if that's your concern. Personally I think that's too young for nursery, but he may enjoy it and if you're already feeling burnt out, then better to do it before you hit a wall. Agree with PP that it probably needs to be more than one day. Why don't you try two or three mornings for a few hours, and see how he does (then you could even do it before naps)

NoMoreFalafelsForYou · 22/01/2024 02:05

@Bature OMG, go for it!
Mine was slightly older as he was 2 but I wanted one day in nursery just for a bit of free time.
Even if free time meant being to go to sleep all day/watch Friends)
Don't feel guilty. Your DH is on board, so he should be so go for it

Heather37231 · 22/01/2024 02:17

Nursery unikely to agree to 1 day a week anyway.

MerryMarigold · 22/01/2024 02:27

I think 1 day per week would be awful for him, particularly if so attached. It takes time to get used to it. You expect crying to start with (initially for most of the time then gradually reducing) and then they eventually settle down. 1 day p/w will be like starting from scratch every week for the baby. The crying will likely be for most of the time he is there. I'm sure he will get used to it eventually but I wouldn't expect him to settle for a long time and it will be exhausting for him.

I think PPs suggestions of a childminder could work, just for few hours somewhere distracting like a toddler group and several times per week rather than a full day.

kisstheblarney · 22/01/2024 02:31

I think knitting would be awful for him and he'd hate going! He's used to sleeping in you and all of a sudden every seven days he can't do that? He had one stressful day, then all is good for the next six and bang it's awful again!

You need to sort this issue at honey? Don't want to sleep train, why not? I mean do it gently? Because he'll cry? What do you think he will do at nursery?

kisstheblarney · 22/01/2024 02:32

You're putting him into nursery for your benefit, not his. He will gain nothing doing one day a week.

NoMoreFalafelsForYou · 22/01/2024 02:39

@Heather37231

Nursery unikely to agree to 1 day a week anyway
Private nurseries let you do one .day a week, mine did anyway

RiderofRohan · 22/01/2024 07:00

NoMoreFalafelsForYou · 22/01/2024 02:39

@Heather37231

Nursery unikely to agree to 1 day a week anyway
Private nurseries let you do one .day a week, mine did anyway

What's a private nursery, out of interest? They all seem private where we live, as in not government funded.

And they wouldn't take a child for one day a week. Also, up and down the country, there is a huge childcare crisis with arm long waiting lists. Our baby isn't born yet but on a waiting list for nursery and still not guaranteed a place.

Giltedged · 22/01/2024 07:02

The funny thing is that threads where the OP loathes maternity leave, hates baby classes and can’t wait to get back to work are cheered on.

In some ways I am in a similar boat, @Bature . DD is 6 months and is going through a very exhausting phase of constantly squirming and arching her back when held but doesn’t much like being put down either Hmm She did have a very long nap yesterday and I’m hoping she may be moving towards two longer naps as she doesn’t sleep much during the day and it is exhausting. She’s very happy out of the house but I do need to get stuff done! However, it is not forever. I go back to work when she’s 11 months- if I wasn’t I’d say between 15-18 months is a good nursery age.

I personally wouldn’t want a childminder for a baby but I know others feel a childminder would be better. They are likely to be more flexible though.

SparkyBlue · 22/01/2024 07:29

I know nowhere around here will take a child for one morning a week it was always a minimum of two or three as otherwise the child couldn't settle as the gap was too long between sessions. Also nowhere takes under ones anymore. I'd say you be best to find a local childminder with other children who will be more flexible.

Quitelikeacatslife · 22/01/2024 07:30

Rather than leave him all day if focus on regaining control in your home. Work out what pattern you'd like for baby and slowly gently work towards it.

Thehop · 22/01/2024 07:32

YANBU at all I've been there.

as someone on the other side, I'd say one day a week is hard work for all and difficult to settle. I'd go for 2x half days over one full I til he's a bit bigger if you can.

Flutteringbutterflies · 22/01/2024 07:50

This. If the sleep were better, you’d feel a completely different person, and then could make the right choice about nursery, based on your own views, not sleep-deprived exhaustion.

speaking as someone who went through far too long a sleep deprivation, verging on depression, a sleep consultant was the best thing ever. It was such a kind process, she helped our whole family so
much and at the end of it, both baby and I were such different people. Think about it. Your time with your baby feels so different when you’re not permanently on the edge.

CupofTeaNoSugar2 · 22/01/2024 07:57

Sorry but that's not what nursery is for. I had two kids in nursery and we had a great experience but they were sleeping independently and so the transition was easier. And they definitely needed 3/4 days a week to settle, a day would have just been confusing. You parent how you want, bur if you need more alone time you need to gently sleep train I'm afraid. The longer you leave it the harder it will be.