DH's secrets and lies

[UnicornAndSparkles]

I'll preface this with the fact that DH is generally a wonderful husband and father. He in incredibly loving and patient and generous and will always go out of his way to be a real 50/50 partner, be that with early starts, sharing the parental load as best we can (he'll always get up early with the kids for instance, and does most of the nursery drop offs and pick ups despite working full time). We've been married for almost 15 years and he is my absolute rock.

But. He has lied to me, on multiple occasions, about finances. At first it was to cover up a drinking problem, which I obviously knew he had, but he wasn't ready to admit to. With a lot of support from myself and others he has overcome and is now 4yrs sober. Something I am hugely proud of him for. But that drinking problem got him into significant debt which he didn't reveal to me. When he got sober he came clean and told me of the loan and credit card debt, totalling around 10k, all repayable within 2y he said. 2y came and went and I presumed it was paid. It's now 2y on and I find out it's not repaid and there's still around 10k to repay so there must have been significantly more at the outset. His company has recently gone bust and he hasn't been paid a salary for around 6m. He initially kept this from me for 2 months, contributing to the family finances as he usually would but only now I find out it was through a credit card. Obviously this was unsustainable and we he revealed the issue we started paying all the bills from our savings, which are almost depleted. I earn money too but not as much as he does, and my salary isn't enough to cover the mortgage and childcare costs. He put off finding a new job as he was sure the money would come in. It didn't and he has admitted he should have got a new job months ago rather than only starting to look now, when we have little savings left to fall back on. He's also revealed that he's been living in his overdraft for 3y. Again, something he kept from me.

He was on a 90k salary, which to me is a huge amount, but is so bad with money that he couldn't budget his spendings. He lives a champagne lifestyle, which I presumed was because he could, but it's become apparent that he couldn't afford half of it. I, on the other hand, would rather save than spend. It gives me far more of a thrill to see savings mounting up and shop in the likes of new look than it does to buy fancy things and not have any savings. Of course I enjoyed the holidays and all the rest of the things DH was spending money on, but only because I thought he could afford it and it was never overly lavish. My salary is far below his and I obviously had a very naive view of what 90k can afford, as it's clearly not the lifestyle we've enjoyed. He's always been this way, his family joke he was always awful with money. But the issue is the lies he's told me, the fact that he's kept the loan amount and credit card bills and overdraft secret from me, whilst the debt mounts up and up. We've always said we share finances and so it came as a shock that he wasn't being open and honest with me. He says he was embarrassed about the whole thing but now I don't feel I can trust him with money and am questionning whether he really does earn £90k or that's an exaggeration, whether the total debt is bigger than the 20k he's admitted to (he initially said it was 8-10k), whether there are more credit cards with payments due. It really worries me as we share a mortgage and have two children.

The crux is I asked him to prove he was being honest with me about the level of debt he now admits to. I've asked to see bank statements showing the figures and the repayment plan. But he won't show me. AIBU? We are very close to having to ask my grandfather to help us with money when our savings run out as until he starts getting paid again my salary cannot cover all of the outgoings (grandfather is in a position to help, financially, and has offered to do so as he is aware that we are living off our savings). Or we default on the mortgage. I cannot believe we're in this situation. I feel cross that he hasn't been honest with me and cross that he didn't up sticks and get a paying job sooner when he realised the company was going bust, but I can't turn back the clock and he recognises he's been a fool. But am I being unreasonable to not be able to trust him with the finances and to want to see the debt in black and white? Or is he unreasonable not to show me the level of debt he (and realistically "we" as we are a partnership) owe?

I'm so sorry for you, OP. You sound really lost and bewildered. I wish, wish, wish that my Mum had had access to a place like Mumsnet all those years ago because she was second-guessing her decisions.

One tip... make absolutely certain that your husband has no replacement bank cards hidden away or due to arrive by post - to your home or elsewhere. My father made a big performance of 'handing over' his bank cards knowing that the new ones had been safely squirrelled away. His 'need' to gamble overrode every decency, every concern for his wife and young children. His wants mattered more. That is the mind of a gambler and that is the mind of your husband.

I think he's realised that if he wants to stay in the family home he has to agree to whatever you say but, be under no illusions, he will be thinking of ways to thwart your attempts to stop him gambling. That is absolutely at odds with his addiction which will be working harder, much harder than you can, to get him back to it - and it will win because it is what he wants.

Only when he has hit rock bottom and there is no more leeway for him to gamble, when there is every reason to genuinely choose recovery and find his way back to his family, is there hope. He is not there; he is not nearly there.

I realise that reading these posts is jolting for you and make very unpleasant reading. There's no way around that because this is a serious subject and I guarantee that you do not know everything or even nearly everything... how could you? Your husband left you in the dark about the extent of his gambling. This is who he is. He has shown you. You want to believe the best of him because you love him but, he is not the man you believe he is and, if he were honest and able to look at himself with any clarity, he would agree with that.

I will offer that your husband may be a 'nice guy' underneath but think of him as a zombie for now. He has no mind of his own, he is an addict and until he stops being an addict, he will continue to lie and cheat and take from his family.

Never mind what he says, look at what he does.

What you do next really, really matters.

Get support from your family, they will want to help you. Let them do that. They have nothing to gain but the best for you and your children, to make sure that you and they are safe. The best thing that could happen to your husband is that he hits rock bottom, hard and fast. That can't happen whilst he's living with you and your children in the family home, it really can't.

I'm sorry for what I'm writing to you, I don't know you, but I'm earnest about your situation because I was the child of a gambler. Our lives were blighted by him, we had so little money and my Mum worried herself sick all the time. That is what is on the horizon for your children if you focus too far on your husband and his needs. He is an adult. Your children need you so, so much.

Please call out for support, but not from him. He is elsewhere and you cannot reach him right now, maybe never again. An addict services themselves first. Always first.

Your children, your house and your family money... protect those at ALL costs.

Regarding the house/mortgage - you can block a remortgage at the land registry but the only way to ringfence your half of the value I know of is to divorce.

OP, I can't advise on your husband's addiction, and your decision to stay is very much yours to make, rightly or wrongly. I do however strongly suggest you go to the MSE debt forum and put together a SOA (statement of affairs). This level of debt will be very difficult to clear unless his monthly payments are manageable and they will give the best advice on the way forward.

Yes, we're taking legal action against the company, which is essentially going bust so I don't know if we'll see any of that. I've had proof of that and have known about the situation for months. What I didn't know about was the gambling, which seems to have escalated on account of him not being paid.

Don't stay with him because of the children; leave him because of the children.

Just wanted to add that StepChange are really good, they will sort out with you, the best way of tackling this , be it making himself bankrupt or something else.

i don’t make anything near what your husband does but they helped me clear £28000 of debts in 4 years, I knew I had debts but didn’t realise the full amount, if he’s been putting in his “monthly wage” to pay bills , he will have racked up the debt quite quickly

The gambling escalated because your husband is an addict. He will always be an addict and he will continue to gamble or he will find something else to replace it.

rubbish

This is exactly how the discovery of an addiction plays out (sadly)

Report it if you like

He deserves one last chance and I have said in no uncertain terms that he will be out if he messes up.

I hope you're serious about this because I can guarantee you that in a few weeks or months, the backsliding and the minimising and the justifying and the claims that he's "proven he can be responsible" or that he's "changed and is never going back to the way he was" etc etc will start along with requests for a little loosening of the purse strings.

My financially irresponsible ex said and did all the same kind of things as yours is currently doing when I discovered his multi-year, $200K+ financial lies.

I didn't want to be a financial jailer to a liar and addict so I left him. Within a year I could tell he was sliding back into his old habits and now, years on, I can see he hasn't changed at all.

Your financial future is at serious risk here, make no mistake.

He's not a rock, he's a millstone.

I mean, all power to you for wanting to forge ahead with this relationship, but I could never, ever, ever get over someone lying to me on that scale. Lying over and over. £110,000 in debt… it is utterly unthinkable.

That is a life destroying amount that will hang over your heads likely until the end. What a life…

I’d be gone I’m afraid. I would be leaving the relationship for my children, not staying for them. Before that man destroyed all of our futures.

Who wants to have to parent their husband that much? All respect and all love would be gone.

I have to add, that I agree with the poster above. There is never an end, there is never a moving away from it because an addict is who he is. The OP is stuck in the lie/ get discovered/ promise never to do it again / lie etc etc cycle forever until she leaves, and by default this means her children are stuck in the cycle too. The consequences also get more and more dire. 1k in debt becomes 2k, becomes no home to live in...

In fairness to the OP, as someone who’s been there, she will be in an utter shock. I think lots of women confronted with betrayal go into crisis mode and fix things, because they are worried about children and their DH. The thought of all this and on top separating is just too messy and too much, so you focus on fixing, especially with a partner saying they are so sorry and want to change. She will probably feel embarrassed (how did I not realise this, and what will other people say) and also utterly scared (will lose the house etc).

OP if you are going to stay my advice would still be to go and speak to a solicitor (I wish I had) and just find out what the position would be if you separate. You also want to try and improve yours situation if you need to leave (so increase income). Tell people - you need support.

I had a husband like this and he always hid things, racked up debt etc. It was a terrible way to live, always waiting for the next shoe to drop. Find a way to leave before your financial future is destroyed.

This, a marriage is nothing without trust. This man is untrustworthy and you need to find out the full extent of his debts and get your house valued for equity. I'd divorce a man who lied to me the extent your DH has. Where has all this money gone? You say he was an alcoholic was he a gambler too? He clearly chose the alcohol, and to rack up the debt above being honest with you and putting the stability needs of you and the DC first. Don't let your Grandad pay the price for your DH recklessness.

You need to check he's not put any debt in joint names and not told you. Do a Credit Karma report or Experian.

Surely if he goes bankrupt they take the house to pay off some of his debts. Surely you can't be bankrupt but still own a house? Why should OP lose her home because of him? Do you mean go bankrupt and then rent?

Wow, just seen your update, £110k. That would definitely be divorce territory for me. I wouldn't be protecting him either I'd tell my family and friends what he has done. He's ruined your married life and the lives of your DC too as they will be impacted because any spare money he has won't go for good quality family life but for debt repayment. You need to see a solicitor to find out where you stand financially. I think if you're married all debt is joint and several. If you divorced him at least you wouldn't risk further debt going against you. Do it quickly with a solicitor.

OP can only get the mortgage in her name if her earnings are enough to cover stress test. It's not as easy as just put it in her name.

He is going bankrupt that means his 50 percent of the equity needs to be handed over (his beneficial interest).

Taking a guess there will be a low number of equity that she might be able to purchase/ the granddad money to purchase.

The side benefit is she owns the house.

Adding to this, if he were to go bankrupt I think the Official Receiver would have something to say about "putting everything into OP's name"....

This is why debt advice is needed which it sounds like OP/her DH is getting.

The key to this is that he hasn't came to you because he wants to stop. He was forced into a corner and continues to lie. You had to catch him out. Who knows what other debt is there. Has been borrowed from family and friends? Is he going to therapy? If his addiction is so severe that he owes £110k it won't stop simply by handing you his bank card.

Are any savings missing? Kids savings?
I wouldn't be surprised if he owed his family some money. Even if he doesn't they all need to be warned not to lend him money.

I could never respect him again. I wouldn't want to be on edge every day. If you are going to stay then he needs to get proper help. Addicts can move from one addiction to another. He needs to address why he is an addict.

OP I think you need to give your DC a chance of a normal childhood. With your DH debt hanging over you all can't you see by not divorcing him you are gambling with their future security?

Exactly. OP doesn’t have to end the relationship but she needs to divorce DH legally to protect herself and her kids.

He might pull himself together now or he might continue & be 200k in debt next year.

Obviously that wasn't the end of it. More lies have come out. When will this end?!

I encouraged him to tell his family. He refused, saying he would when he could show he's made progress. I pushed further and he admitted he's borrowed £10k from his dad over a year ago and a further £3k from his brother more recently. Again, he was trying to pay off some of the gambling debt debt by gambling and now it's gone. I was furious with him and absolutely blew up. I've told him I need time to take stock and consider whether we have a marriage to save.

He's told his family and I've spoken to them to confirm he's told them everything. They're devastated but will support him emotionally.

Financially I can't afford to leave. I'm absolutely trapped. My savings are almost gone and I work part time due to childcare.

He's said he'll sign over the house to me but I don't even know if this is an option as the mortgage provider may say I'm not earning enough.

To the poster who said this was an AI generated post. I wish.

@UnicornAndSparkles I’m so sorry. I guarantee you have more options than you think. for one thing if you leaveDH you may be entitled to benefits and help with childcare. You don’t need to do anything now, but you need to get some independent advice and consider your options.

Do you have a friend who is really good on organisation, getting things done? That’s what you need at this moment. The friend who will help you research and consider all your options. You are in shock (understandably) and have so much to deal with. You need someone calm to help you consider all your options.