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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of saying yes?

30 replies

Willow39 · 21/01/2024 20:20

Sick of my mum asking me to do stuff constantly.
Every day she'll ask me to do mundane errands for her that she is perfectly capable of doing herself. Whether it be 'pick this up from the shop for me'
'Can you go check that your nans heating is on'

She is unemployed and has been since I was born so it's not like she is super busy during the day and can't do these things. My parents are well off and comfortable in their late 50s living the dream basically and on holiday every month or so! My mum is in perfect health, drives and can do everything herself, so why am I expected to do this..

This evening, she's asked me to go to Tesco, pick some stuff up and drop it round to my nans. She lives closer than me to my nan (her mum) so not sure why I'm being asked! I told her I was unwell and she said 'but you went out with your friend last night and you're on your phone so you can't be unwell.' I left early last night feeling very sick and have been in bed all day today. I told her that I can't because I'm unwell so she'll have to and now she's in a huff with me for being selfish because she's had to go out as I 'can't do her a favour'

UGHHHHH

I'm fuming, why can't she do it herself?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Willow39 · 21/01/2024 20:21

For context, I am 27, live away from home, receive nothing from my parents and work full time... She lives about 30 minutes away from me

OP posts:
Lammveg · 21/01/2024 20:22

I think it's just going to be a case of saying no. Simple to say but hard to practice I know. If she gets annoyed with you saying no, oh well, she's an adult I'm sure she can handle some big emotions.

Holidayhell22 · 21/01/2024 20:28

I would send a text and tag your father in.
”No I can’t. You can do it.”
Rinse and repeat.
She sounds incredibly lazy.

Snowydaysfaraway · 21/01/2024 20:32

Make a group chat with her and df in. Let him see the constant nagging you endure...
Have some pre prepared replies handy. Keep to the same few... She will come to predict your answer and hopefully stop asking..

KnowledgeableMomma · 21/01/2024 20:33

You have every right to be fuming but if you have always said yes, what incentive does your mom have to stop asking? Time to start saying no.....for your sanity.

GreatGateauxsby · 21/01/2024 20:35

I don’t get it…
Just say No…

Neodymium · 21/01/2024 20:35

geez she sounds like a nightmare. Have you asked her why she can’t do it? When she starts saying stuff like you can’t be too sick ect. I’d stop answering the phone. Maybe even talk to your nan and see her thoughts.

gamerchick · 21/01/2024 20:35

You've said no tonight. Saying no gets easier trust me. Keep it up.

thelengthspeoplegoto · 21/01/2024 20:35

You're right. You're not her skivvy! Keep saying no and avoid some of her calls and messages.

sockmuncher · 21/01/2024 20:42

Jesus Christ, grow a backbone.

I've no sympathy for you. It's as simple as saying no

Sandtownnel · 21/01/2024 20:45

sockmuncher · 21/01/2024 20:42

Jesus Christ, grow a backbone.

I've no sympathy for you. It's as simple as saying no

This! Stop complaining about something you have complete control over. Say no, don't do it and ignore her calls for a bit.

Sparkletastic · 21/01/2024 20:52

Why do you keep saying yes?

K37529 · 21/01/2024 20:54

The more you do for people the more they expect. The only way to stop this is to keep saying no she will eventually stop asking.

Tinkerbyebye · 21/01/2024 20:56

Just keep saying no

HalloumiGeller · 21/01/2024 21:10

My god your mum sounds like an insufferable, lazy sod! Just say NO, she will soon get the message.

RobinsInTheTree · 21/01/2024 22:08

If you do what you always did, you'll get what you always got!

So stop saying yes to her op, and give her a big fat NO, every time. No further explanations necessary, after all, NO is a complete sentence.

holidayhair · 21/01/2024 22:16

My mum is like this. Her latest one was would i drive to her GP and physically go in to make an appointment for her (routine thing, she wasn't sick) because she couldn't get through on the phone. I have a job, kids, a dog and she is 70, in perfect health, retired and can drive. I said no. Something clicked when i turned 40 and i just say no to stupid requests now.

FedUpMumof10YO · 22/01/2024 06:45

Don't reply till you're home. Say you've only just got it and you're not going back out.

GreyhpundGirl · 22/01/2024 07:02

She keeps asking because you keep doing it. Just say no, then no again and no some more.

Alwaysalwayscold · 22/01/2024 07:16

Well you've said no once, but you felt like you needed an excuse. You don't.

BogRollBOGOF · 22/01/2024 07:26

Say no.
If she sulks, let her.

If you're 27, I'm guessing she's late 50s/ early 60s. She's still young and able enough to adapt to doing normal adult things for herself. If she doesn't, she'll accelerate herself into the mental and physical declines of old age and could take decades of caring.

Saying yes, and maintaining an enmeshed relationship is unkind to you both.

BogRollBOGOF · 22/01/2024 07:31

When I was training my mother, the phrase "that's your choice" was very useful in putting her threats/ emotional blackmail back on to her.

We have much healthier relationship for it 15 years on.

Soddingcat · 22/01/2024 07:33

Hi mum,

Im getting quite stressed about all the requests from you to do jobs.Its getting too much

Im working full time and you have all day free every day, so im a bit baffled as to why you keep asking me to do things when you have way more time than me?
Im always happy to help in an emergency of course, but all these errands are not my job, im exhausted after work as you can imagine , and im sure you will agree its unfair to ask this of me.

Is there a reason why you ask me instead of doing it yourself with all your free time ?
No reasonable person would expect me to do a time consuming trip to Tesco when you live closer!

If she goes in a huff, then let her huff, it will get worse as she gets older so please nip it in the bud now.

Learning to say no has been life changing for me as a reformed people pleaser.
Its hard at first, but its so worth it

LookItsMeAgain · 22/01/2024 09:20

What I would do is this.

For the time being, just repeat that you're unwell and that you can't run around (park the issue that you were out the day before as that isn't relevant at the moment) and do tasks for X or Y when there is another adult who can do it, her.

Then when you're feeling better, you need to have a discussion with your mother about her expectations of your availability, and as you're an adult now, she doesn't get to demand that you do X or Y when she could be doing it, particularly when you're unwell. Then you can bring into the discussion that it shouldn't matter that you were out the night or day before, you're allowed to be unwell and no one knows when they are going to be unwell so her trying to use that against you is not something you will entertain now. She is perfectly capable and able to do these things and she is no longer to contact you to do these things if she can do them herself or if she can do an online shop for the things and get them delivered.

You are not her skivvy and you will be muting her number on every sort of social media while you're at work going forwards as a result of this interaction (she brought it on herself by asking for a spurious request that she could do herself).

Have that conversation though and keep saying no to doing her bidding for her.

ManateeFair · 22/01/2024 10:25

If you are sick of saying yes, start saying no. Why are you letting your mum order you around like you're a child? It sounds like you all live in each other's pockets a bit. How does she even know you were out with a friend last night? What's it go to do with her?!