AIBU to not know how to move forward - late diagnosis autism/adhd

[chocolaterevs]

40 yr old female, with recent diagnosis of autism/adhd. I've masked, or tried to, my whole life and am exhausted. Marriage has fallen apart, I'm in a low pay job with very little possibility of achieving a higher income (believe me, I've been trying my best for 20 years - I don't even think working full time is feasible due to the exhaustion), no friends, very little family, and I can barely cope with being a parent. AIBU to just not know how to move forward in a positive way?

I can't afford to leave DH and support myself and 2 kids. Even renting a one bed studio or flat and surviving on my wage in my area would be difficult.

Divorce would destroy the kids but the situation is completely unbearable. I don't think either of us are well equipped to have sole custody, but I think the kids would hate 50:50 shared. I can't see any way out of the current predicament.

I see a very lonely life ahead. I do like solitude and am happy enough doing my own thing at times, but also crave connection. I find the stress of parenting too much at times.

AIBU to not be able to find a way out of this complete mess??

Please clarify what the "complete mess" is. You don't want to stay in your relationship but don't want to parent separately either? Is that your question?

Why do you think your children would be destroyed?
I split up from my ex and they needed a period of readjustment, they didn't die.

If you're unhappy in your marriage, staying would be detrimental to everyone, 100%

I think they would be 'destroyed' as they would have to lose their home which they love and would go from an average/reasonable standard of living to living in poverty.

There doesn't seem to be a solution - financially or otherwise - which would mean the children have a good life. Neither of us are good at parenting solely for long periods of time, and neither of us can afford to provide for the children as single parents.

I'm very sorry you feel that way and sorry that you see no way out.

You are worried for your children. They will be aware, beyond what you realise, that your marriage is at breaking point.

Changing everything at once is overwhelming but maybe you could start changing things one by one. What about a working from home situation? If you find the work environment overstimulating there might be a better fit. Some jobs like software testing, bookkeeping etc are well suited to those who aren't massively keen on mixing socialising and work.

How old are your children? Parenting evolves and the type of exhaustion you feel now won't always be there.
There are lots of charities and community groups who provide support for parents, both practical and moral.

Do you have any special interests? Would a group centered around it be helpful? Or a group for people on the autism spectrum to help you feel heard?

Can you work on your marriage and rebuild it?

I really don't see how. DH has done some truly hurtful things, cannot communicate at all or chooses not to, and shows absolutely no love or respect. Trying to have a relationship with him has been like hitting my head against a brick wall.

Go back to the psychiatrist who diagnosed you and follow a treatment plan. Medication for ADHD is life changing. You need to find out as much as you can about the dual diagnosis and start to look at how you've been affected. Masking can become so ingrained that it feels impossible to even be honest with yourself. Get support anywhere, online groups might help but support is there, you can feel better and manage.

Kids aren't going - 12 and 9.

Those are some good ideas, but I've been exploring different work options for such a long time and really haven't figured it out. I maybe do need to try harder to find a work from home job, but I don't know where to start really. The only entry level roles seem to be on the phone all the time which would drive me mad.

I haven't got any interests at all - the kids have taken up every ounce of my energy and spare time for 12 years as I really wanted to be a good mum and parent them well. I have no hobbies or interests at all.

That should have said 'kids aren't young'

If you are only recently diagnosed, it will probably take some time to process the diagnosis and what it means for you, and it may free you to try doing things in ways which are easier.

Is there scope for you and your husband to work something out - a way of coping for a while.

Parenting is hard if you are neurodiverse. Are you kids also neurodiverse? It can be challenging because the usial stuff quite often doesn't work for them.

Can you find something to do for yourself? One thing which will make you happy, even if it's small. I like sitting by my window and reading with a cup of coffee. Doing that for myself does make me feel good.

I was also late-diagnosed with ASD (though I'd suspected for a long time). It takes time to adjust.

There's a facebook account called ADHD_love - I assume also on twitter. It's an ADHD woman and her husband making funny and compassionate reels about living with ADHD. I find it helpful because my daughter is ADHD (and autistic) and it helps me to understand what on earth is going on with her!

@chocolaterevs I have recently been diagnosed at the age of 51. My advice regarding your family situation would be just to “sit with” your diagnosis for a bit. Maybe make a list of things that you would like to change, even if you don’t know what you want to change them to. Then reassess. Is your DH generally supportive of you? Is he understanding of your diagnosis?

Being a parent and being someone’s partner when you’re ND is so bloody hard. I finally understand why I’ve found it so, so, so hard. It’s hard anyway, but then you add neurodiversity into the mix and woah, it’s hard and scary and totally bloody overwhelming and soul-destroying and I’ve felt like I’ve been going mad at times (many many times for long periods of time if I’m honest).

Like you, I crave solitude but I also need a connection with people. I think I’m what’s known as a sociable introvert who can’t cope with changes of plan or surprises….

I started this thread last year - initially it was about my ND teenager but, as you will see if you read it, it prompted me to think about my own life and to pursue an assessment for myself too. There are some really wise posters on there who may be helpful to you so I’d encourage you to have a read as some of the later posts may resonate https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs_chat/4930709-support-for-parents-of-autistic-teens?page=2&reply=131582530

Solidarity

Thank you for your helpful post. I have read your other post also. It's so so hard. Life has always felt so so hard. Now I know why. How are things for you and your daughter now? My DD has recently been referred and I'm petrified for her future.

I do have some things I enjoy - long walks, short walks, reading and coffee. I need to find the time to do these more.

DD has just been referred. She is certainly ND. DS has signs of ADHD, but nothing is worrying me for him yet. It is very hard. DS still doesn't sleep through the night, and struggles with falling asleep as his mind won't switch off. He is also constantly, always talking which is hard for me. Car journeys are stressful as I can't concentrate. He has so so much energy, whereas I am extremely low energy.

DH is so cold and uncaring and unsupportive. I guess we don't have any choice but to stay together until the kids have grown up, savings have increased and mortgage is paid off. It's just so hard to cope with. When you only get one life, and this is it.

Hi I’ve recently been late diagnosed in my 50s. My children have dual diagnosis too.I echo what others have said. It’s all so hard- parenting, marriage and work. Is your husband ND?

I’d read up on both diagnosis as much as you can, particularly books aimed at women. See if you can join some groups and access whatever support your county has to offer. I’d then broaden your life outside the home but look after yourself within it so you have a safe space to recharge. Try some more mindful hobbies- walking, jigsaws, reading, cross stitch etc.

Could you access therapy in anyway?

Also don’t give up on a career change.

One by one, members of my family are beong diagnosed as ND. Not sure about myself, others have said I have traits. I do find parenting, jobs but mainly marriage very hard.

Is there a book you can ask your DH to read maybe to at least learn about your dd if she's diagnosed?
Is there some help you can access either as a couple, if you want to stay together for the kids sake, or separately, in the form of counselling or therapy?

Being autistic and having an ADHD child is really hard! It's just not very compatible. I've learnt to 'surface listen' a bit - pay enough attention but not fully engage - because they really want to tell you things rather than have an actual conversation. I think it's really important to them to be listened to.

It's obviously very variable, but I think things are much better for autistic girls now than when I (now 44) was a child - we just didn't exist. How old is your DD? It's very hard being an autistic teenage girl - much more pressure, social stuff to navigate, social media, weird two-week timetables to navigate at school - but there is more support and awareness at school. Having a good senco makes a massive difference. The good thing about secondary school is that there's more scope for them to find a group of equally quirky friends. There's also lots of ND-positive stuff on social media. I can understand you worrying. I do worry about my two, but it's not as bad as I expected in some ways, and a diagnosis enables them to understand themselves.

Try 'neurowild' on Facebook as well - good resources, explanations, and different ways of seeing things.

Sorry didnt read @SquareSix666 's post properly, it's very much along the same lines as mine!.

@chocolaterevs Things are actually much better for DD and me since my diagnosis, now that I understand why I react the way I do…. Or, rather, now that I realise that I can’t help reacting the way I do….

How are you doing today?

I'm ok, still overwhelmed with worry about the future. DD is having a tricky time. DS has been wild today. It's dawning on me that none of this is actually normal. Other people don't have all this to deal with. It's like your whole life flashes before you with the realisation of why everything is so hard. I don't see how I'm going to cope over the next 10-20 years. I'll be amazed if DC transition to adulthood ok.

@CoffeeCup14 It definitely isn't compatible! DD is 12, so I think the next 6+ years are going to pretty harrowing. I just hope she finds some real friends at school. Thanks for the tips. I'll check out neurowild.

Your children will be OK @chocolaterevs - it’s really hard right now, but once you’ve come to terms with things you will find your groove.

Parenting ND kids is super hard. Parenting when one is ND is super hard. Parenting ND kids when one is ND and their needs directly conflict with one’s own at times is just horrendous, but at least now you know WHY it’s so horrendous and can start to think of ways to make it more bearable. Also I’ve found that I feel less guilty now when I say “no” to my DD when she needs something if saying “yes” would be detrimental to me (obvs I wouldn’t deny her food, medicine etc!!). A good example is me picking her up from college… sometimes I can’t drive due to anxiety, and on those days she gets a taxi home (she can’t get public transport due to her anxiety, and only really wants a lift from me, he dad or her brother, but this isn’t always possible and I know that I’m providing a safe alternative even though it’s not her preferred option).

What does your husband think about your diagnosis? Do you think there is any way he can be supportive of you and the children?

Ask your GP about melatonin for DS. It's really helped my DS1 (15) he is diagnosed ADHD and has always found it hard to wind down and then he can't wake up on time in the morning. He is very very extroverted and did the constant talking thing until all his friends got phones and he switched to talking to them instead of me, it was an utter utter relief!! He still does come and talk to me a lot but not for the entire evening as soon as his screen time runs out

Is there a possibility DH might be ND too? We do tend to attract each other.

DH doesn't offer any comment about the diagnosis. He doesn't talk, so I don't know what he thinks. I'm also not sure what he thinks of DS and DD. Like I said in original OP, trying to garner anything from him is like hitting my head against a brick wall. He offers no emotional support whatsoever, which is why family life is such a struggle.

He could be. I have thought about it. But he has a lot of friends and is very good at maintaining friendships so I don't know. He definitely has communication issues, lacks empathy, and some other issues.