AIBU to not know how to move forward - late diagnosis autism/adhd

[chocolaterevs]

40 yr old female, with recent diagnosis of autism/adhd. I've masked, or tried to, my whole life and am exhausted. Marriage has fallen apart, I'm in a low pay job with very little possibility of achieving a higher income (believe me, I've been trying my best for 20 years - I don't even think working full time is feasible due to the exhaustion), no friends, very little family, and I can barely cope with being a parent. AIBU to just not know how to move forward in a positive way?

I can't afford to leave DH and support myself and 2 kids. Even renting a one bed studio or flat and surviving on my wage in my area would be difficult.

Divorce would destroy the kids but the situation is completely unbearable. I don't think either of us are well equipped to have sole custody, but I think the kids would hate 50:50 shared. I can't see any way out of the current predicament.

I see a very lonely life ahead. I do like solitude and am happy enough doing my own thing at times, but also crave connection. I find the stress of parenting too much at times.

AIBU to not be able to find a way out of this complete mess??

I really hate to say this but if he isn’t adding anything positive to your life…..

Do you have any other support? Family? Sorry if you’ve already said, I’m on my phone and finding it hard to read back over previous posts.

Counsellor? Psychologist? Priest/rabbi/imam etc?

OP have you looked at medication. My dc with asd and adhd is finding none stimulant mediation amazing for helping him control his emotions and improve focus.
My children with just adhd find stimulant medication works well.

I’m slowly learning that where one partner is considered NT and one is ND, there can be a significant mismatch in what is said and done by one partner, and what is downloaded by the other.

So it could be that you’re both causing significant hurt to each other without that being the intent on either side - hence both being in shutdown / flight mode as there’s no obvious way to fix it.

And to know the true intent is crucial I think.

I’m not sure if it would be helpful at all but I’ve discovered Mark Hutten on You Tube who is helping me to understand this a bit more.

OP Something about your post really resonates with me, including the emotionally closed off spouse and the sense of almost panic you express about how you're going to cope/parent/work when your head is such a mess.

I suspect I am also ADHD, and I suspect DP is something ND but whereas I am hyperemotional and articulate, he is the opposite - I think he feel things quite dully and has a hard time distinguishing and articulating his emotions. It makes for a toxic brew sometimes.

Does your DH have any 'pros' you can focus on/that serve you? e.g. is he the organised one, the one who remembers to pay the bills, when the dentist appointments are, who keeps an eye on the mortgage, savings etc? Does he go in for 'acts of service' as a way of expressing care and love - will drive anyone anywhere, makes cups of tea, cleans things you didn't even notice were dirty/didn't care if they were?

My DP does this and it took me a long time to 'see' his love/care because it came out in a language i didn't understand, or rather currency I didn't value. I couldn't spend his 'money' in my 'country' as it were - whereas he didn't get anything at all out of my more verbal, more sentimental, more psychological expressions of affection, and in fact found some of them (like my compulsive desire to 'understand' him) quite intrusive.

It seems like at the moment your relationship is your big headache, and I 100% understand that feeling of intense loneliness when you're living side by side with someone you feel unconnected to. There may be a lot more to your story and he may be irredeemable. But it may also be that your ADHD brain is going to extremes (like mine does!) and he can only be the love of your life or a total bastard/the worst mistake you ever made/the one thing that is ruining your happiness. Is it possible if you take a big step back and try to critically appraise what he does offer you, what he could offer you, and what he simply can't due to his own inherent limitations, and try to identify if there's a way you can work together?

This may feel like a harder and more pyrrhic project than listening to the inner urge to cut and run; but that just sees you running into the dead end of 'what about the kids?', so maybe give it a bit more consideration. I have run this maze so many times in my head. But do keep coming back to the fact neither DP or me is 'rounded' - we're both quite extreme creatures, and while that means we often clash from a family unit perspective it also means we fill in each others' gaps and can offer our children more together than each one can apart.

Something I did recently as well is getting him to read Shaparak Khorshandi's book 'Scatterbrain' because, as I told him, it's like peeling off the top of my head and having a look inside. He read it. We haven't discussed it. But just knowing he's ingested it with that filter in mind makes me feel we've shared something, and it's comforting to me, without him having to feel overwhelmed by me talking at him for two hours about how it feels to be me and wanting a detailed and emotional response to that he simply isn't capable of. It's about finding ways to connect that are manageable for both of us.

I honestly think your husband might be part of the problem you are so exhausted all of the time. Maybe leaving him would leave you more energy. You would get housing benefit etc potentially as a single parent.

Getting things onto paper always calms me down. Make a big mindmap of all your problems. You might find there are less than you think or that some are easily solvable. It helps stop that spiralling feeling.

I can't get any housing benefit. I've already looked into it. I can't afford a separate home. Housing costs, bills, food, are all too high. I agree with what you're saying though.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush That is a really beautifully written post. Thank you so much for taking the time. I'm going to read it again and have a think about what you've said. So much has happened, so many struggles and he just isn't capable of offering any words of reassurance. Even now, he gaslights me about DD's issues even though she's on the pathway and clearly struggles immensely. He offers no emotional support regarding the stress and worry over the kids. Maybe he just isn't worried. I'm so tired of the mental load of it all.

Are you sure? have you approached citizens advice? they may be able to advise on if there are extra benefits etc available. I'm a single parent (no maintenance paid to me), in an expensive city in private rented accommodation on a low wage. It is possible. You might need to get advice on how it can be done, or maybe team up with someone else in a rental but it can be done. Get yourself on the housing list too.