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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Lost whole friendship group

37 replies

Xenia13 · 21/01/2024 11:53

Don’t know where to start but I’ll try. I had a best friend for the last 20 years and we’ve recently fallen out.
She has been through the mill over the years and I have always been her go to person. Dropped everything to be there for her, answering numerous calls a day, visiting at all hours of the day and night to check on her, lending money etc. I had no issue with this she was my best friend and I loved her.
In the last year she’s got a new partner and she fell off the planet. Barely a phone call. I got really bad news about a family member having cancer & she was the 1st person I reached out to. She said all the right things and then radio silence. The person I thought I could depend on was no wher to be found. I asked numerous times to meet and it was always the same answer. She was meeting the new guy.
This really upset me and I did express this to the other friends in the group. They live beside her so they would call me telling me stuff about the partner and her, asking me if I’d heard from her etc and this opened up the conversation.
Since before Christmas I have heard nothing from any of the group. I have seen on social media that they have all been out together including my ex best friend and I wasn’t asked.
I feel like they’ve all turned on me. I feel like a fool confiding in them, they were calling me filling me in on what she was doing but now I think she has made me out to be the bad one.
I did back off her, I had to for my own sanity but I didn’t think I’d lose a whole friendship group for making a stand against one.
She was like a sister to me but it became so one sided I had to let go. More fool me as now I am the one with no one.
We had a group chat and I left it after seeing the pic on social media and no one has asked me why. I just feel so let down and stupid

OP posts:
giveituplucy12 · 21/01/2024 11:59

It is very cruel. I would say there is very little you can do until one of them reaches out to you and explains why the didn't invite you. People always show their true colours eventually, perhaps you've finally seen theirs.

MidnightPatrol · 21/01/2024 11:59

“I did back off her, I had to for my own sanity but I didn’t think I’d lose a whole friendship group for making a stand against one.”

This suggests you may have caused a bit of a drama.

CharmedCult · 21/01/2024 12:00

Gossiping about other members of a friendship group, no matter how solid you think you all are, rarely ends well.

It was very unwise to compain about your best friend to these other friends, who were obviously stirring the pot.

This could have gone either way but unfortunately for you, you’re the one that has been frozen out.

Original poster
Xenia13 · 21/01/2024 12:02

If making a stand for my own sanity caused drama well so be it. My issue was with one friend who was my best friend for 20 years and her alone not anyone else.
I do think some meddled by passing back stories to me and I stupidly fell for it

OP posts:
Original poster
Xenia13 · 21/01/2024 12:03

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head and believe me I feel like an idiot for showing my hand

OP posts:
Didimum · 21/01/2024 12:08

It was wrong of your friend not to support you. Perhaps she organised the night out that you saw on social media.

It was entirely childish of you to flounce off the group chat.

Address things like an adult.

Original poster
Xenia13 · 21/01/2024 12:14

I think taking myself out of the equation all together is the adult thing to do rather than give them more to talk about. Believe me enough talking has been done and it’s got me no where

OP posts:
Moranda · 21/01/2024 12:20

You need to talk to your friend straight up. You can talk to other friends in concern for her but it always comes back with women. Start by telling her how you feel. You miss her, you feel she's been distant, you want to come by for a coffee just the 2 of you. You tell her she's your best friend and you are having anxiety cause you feel she is leaving you out. You have to support her choices in guys and her life. She may have cut you out because of your attitude to her life. But never talk behind her back with women, it always goes bad.

Original poster
Xenia13 · 21/01/2024 12:27

I thought I could trust these people. They all live beside her so were calling and telling me the ins and outs of what what going on. They all talked, obviously she is not hearing that side.

OP posts:
Kastri · 21/01/2024 12:31

Honestly,move on and find better friends.She sounds so selfish and they sound fake.
You will feel better without all the backstabbing and drama.

SaturdayGiraffe · 21/01/2024 12:32

I wouldn’t rule out the new partner being a factor too. Some people demand a lot from a partner.

girlfriend44 · 21/01/2024 12:35

Move on, not worth it things won't be the same even if you have words and might not change anyway..

Silence is powerful

HollyKnight · 21/01/2024 12:46

I do wonder if you took it more personally than it was. People by nature are self-absorbed. She was all caught up in her new guy, while you understandably were focusing on your own situation. I dont think it was necessary to take a stand because I dont think she was intentionally blanking you. The same way the others probably didn't think they were leaving you out but rather were just out with nearby friends. Or if this was after you made it clear you had an issue with ex-friend then it probably wasn't appropriate to invite you to that particular night out. But that doesn't mean they had stopped being your friend. They're all just a bit shit at it.

bloodyeffinnora · 21/01/2024 12:48

I think you did the right thing in leaving the group, you're protecting yourself.
I would leave them to it now, have nothing more to do with them.
I bet one of them will contact you soon, just so they can report back to the others and add to the drama for them.
Don't reply if they do, just move on with your life and concentrate on other friends or building other friendships.
These people are not your friends

pictoosh · 21/01/2024 12:50

Social groups, they're a fucking nightmare for the most part. Good friends do not come in a handy multi-pack no matter how much we wish it. There will always be someone or other(s) who you wouldn't choose to spend your free time with if you were honest, while you will be that person to someone else.
I don't think you can ever reliably trust the group as whole.

My experience is that groups don't side with who they like but who offers the most in terms of ease and social status. Sorry.

dottypotter · 21/01/2024 12:56

Things happen for a reason. This was meant to be because new friends and opportunities are coming your way.

Don't look back, don't dwell keep moving forward.

Original poster
Xenia13 · 21/01/2024 12:59

I had a conversation with said friend months back about not being there for me. We were the type of friends that spoke 2/3 times a day in normal circumstances,she was the first person I called with good and bad news. After I found out my bad news I was distraught, worried and up the walls. I didn’t expect any more than how our friendship usually was, chats on the phone but it all stopped when I needed it most. I did say this to her, she said it wasn’t her intention but nothing changed. These other ‘friends’ were on the phone telling me when the new man arrived when he left, gossiping. So just feel its rich of them now turning their back too when they were the ones stirring the pot.
I genuinely thought it would never get to this with us, we grew up together but I have to draw a line now as much as it hurts. It doesn’t make it easy though

OP posts:
blackpanth · 21/01/2024 13:01

Move on and find other friends

pictoosh · 21/01/2024 13:03

No it's not easy. It's hurtful and humiliating. I feel for you.

Divastrout · 21/01/2024 13:09

Xenia13 · 21/01/2024 12:59

I had a conversation with said friend months back about not being there for me. We were the type of friends that spoke 2/3 times a day in normal circumstances,she was the first person I called with good and bad news. After I found out my bad news I was distraught, worried and up the walls. I didn’t expect any more than how our friendship usually was, chats on the phone but it all stopped when I needed it most. I did say this to her, she said it wasn’t her intention but nothing changed. These other ‘friends’ were on the phone telling me when the new man arrived when he left, gossiping. So just feel its rich of them now turning their back too when they were the ones stirring the pot.
I genuinely thought it would never get to this with us, we grew up together but I have to draw a line now as much as it hurts. It doesn’t make it easy though

Edited

OP this also happened to. A friendship that had lasted 25 years! It hurt at the time. I moved cities and blocked her. 5 years down the line my life has both changed and improved. Iam so much better and happier. I have my life in order and that hurts her.
I hear from mutual friends occasionally that she is deeply unhappy and struck in a rut!!
Not my problem anymore, I gave her what she wanted.
I still think of her occasionally but looking back she was no friend at all to me.
She just was needy and self absorbed as ultimately it was all about Her.
You can and will get over this and then live your best life.
Sending you 💓

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 21/01/2024 13:11

Don't talk behind people's backs. Ever. It can all horribly backfire on you as you've just found out.

Apolloneuro · 21/01/2024 13:21

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 21/01/2024 13:11

Don't talk behind people's backs. Ever. It can all horribly backfire on you as you've just found out.

So true.

OP, I had a friend who I supported massively over many years. When I needed support, didn’t see her for dust.

The damage is done now. Forget them all and move on.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 21/01/2024 13:31

It is hurtful OP but kindly, what you did to her was also hurtful.

Rather than meet and talk through her lack of expected support, you spoke about her negatively to the friendship group. That rarely, if ever, turns out well. It seems like you were hoping that you telling the group about her lack of support would get back to her and she would change. That didn't happen. She spoke to the group and they decided that your behaviour was not acceptable so have met up without you.

It is a hard lesson to learn but passive aggressiveness is not the way to go, you need to talk openly and honestly with close friends when there is an issue. The leaving the group chat expecting to be contacted about why you had left is another example of that type of behaviour. You were not 'making a stand', you were being passive aggressive rather than saying 'look, I'm hurting and really need your support'.

My advice is to learn the lesson and move on. It will be very hard but you can do it. Good luck Flowers

gonetogreece · 21/01/2024 13:35

When people show you who the are believe them, I've been through similar and it's very hurtful but in the long run I'm happier without fake one sided friendships.
The only thing you did wrong was indulge in the gossip, lesson learnt.. move on and find better friends.

TheSlantedOwl · 21/01/2024 13:36

You’re well rid.