Lost whole friendship group

[Xenia13]

Don’t know where to start but I’ll try. I had a best friend for the last 20 years and we’ve recently fallen out.
She has been through the mill over the years and I have always been her go to person. Dropped everything to be there for her, answering numerous calls a day, visiting at all hours of the day and night to check on her, lending money etc. I had no issue with this she was my best friend and I loved her.
In the last year she’s got a new partner and she fell off the planet. Barely a phone call. I got really bad news about a family member having cancer & she was the 1st person I reached out to. She said all the right things and then radio silence. The person I thought I could depend on was no wher to be found. I asked numerous times to meet and it was always the same answer. She was meeting the new guy.
This really upset me and I did express this to the other friends in the group. They live beside her so they would call me telling me stuff about the partner and her, asking me if I’d heard from her etc and this opened up the conversation.
Since before Christmas I have heard nothing from any of the group. I have seen on social media that they have all been out together including my ex best friend and I wasn’t asked.
I feel like they’ve all turned on me. I feel like a fool confiding in them, they were calling me filling me in on what she was doing but now I think she has made me out to be the bad one.
I did back off her, I had to for my own sanity but I didn’t think I’d lose a whole friendship group for making a stand against one.
She was like a sister to me but it became so one sided I had to let go. More fool me as now I am the one with no one.
We had a group chat and I left it after seeing the pic on social media and no one has asked me why. I just feel so let down and stupid

This really upset me and I did express this to the other friends in the group. They live beside her so they would call me telling me stuff about the partner and her, asking me if I’d heard from her etc and this opened up the conversation.

This is where it went wrong.

In my experience, if you get to the point in a friendship where you have to sit down and chat to someone about them not being there for you anymore, the friendship is already moving away from what it was. Having the conversation won't change that, and even if it guilts the other person into making more effort for a while, long term they will go back to what they were doing before. The best thing to do when a friendship starts to fade, is to let it go. In time, you may regain the closeness again. Accept that friendships wax and wane. By challenging your friend, she may have felt cornered and hassled, made worse by you talking to mutual friends about it.

I agree with you all. Replies have been a real food for thought.
Yes I admit I pulled away hoping she’d reach out that hasn’t happened.
Yes I confided in people I shouldn’t have confided in, they have said a lot too and worse but she doesn’t know that.
Feeling hurt I vented to people and for that I am sorry as it’s made me the bad one and her the victim

OP, you've learned a hard lesson.
Despite appearances to the contrary, many people prefer surface-level friendships with no demands.
For the big stuff, dig deep into yourself, learn resilience, talk to a third party with no knowledge of the runners and riders (a doctor, a priest, a counsellor...).

The thing about this friendship though was I was there for her through marriage breakups, deaths , abusive relationships so didn’t think it was unreasonable to expect a little support back when the shoe was on the other foot. It wasn’t just a surface level friendship that’s what makes it so hard. She drained me with her issues over the years but as a friend I would’ve done anything for her and did when her chips were down.

@Xenia13
The rest of the friends where prop jealous of the friendship you had and had to find a reason to break it up, or they could of been bad mouthing you and that's why she has been dry, either way I would not bother again, just tell them you are an adult and haven't got time for their childish behaviour.

She drained me with her issues over the years

In a few weeks or months once the hurt has subsided a little you'll be able to reflect on the friendship and might see that it has probably been quite one sided or a little dysfunctional for a long while.

About 8 years ago someone who I considered to be a good friend manipulated or strongly encouraged me to tell her things about someone else that I never should have told her (and I hold my hands up to that, I was out of order). She then used that against me to join forces with the other person not only in a personal sense but also in business competition - it's a long story, but it was a harsh lesson learned.

DH and I have fairly recently been introduced into an established friendship group and I'm quite happy to keep it light and remain on the outskirts. We are enjoying socialising when we are invited along but we expect nothing. I can already see some interesting dynamics playing out within the group and we have no desire to get really embroiled.

The days of having really intense close friends for me are over. If I have a few people I can have a coffee or go to the cinema with or couples that DH and I can meet at the pub for a drink or go for a walk and keep it casual that's great, that's all I want.

Sounds like they’ve been quite bitchy and told your friend what you’ve been saying (so I’d want away from the other friends anyways) girl code - you don’t talk shit together and then rat on the other person- sounds like you’ve been baited and then thrown to the dogs.

I guess in hindsight it would have been good for you to have an open-honest conversation with said best friend with how you were feeling, but sounds like one way or another you didn’t want to or feel comfortable to.

If after a few months off from that friendship group ask yourself did you value all of them/value your best friend- or was it a one-sided convenience thing? Like she leaned on you hard and it just so happened when you felt you needed her she was busy with this new partner? It can be hard but life moves in different waves and people can appear quite selfish. Time and space is good for healing and realising If you want to continue with your best friend, if you get to reach out you could explain and apologise for not approaching sooner - see how she reacts if she values your friendship she’ll understand

We all approach friendships in different ways. Instead of contacting friends to complain about her not supporting you, why did you not just ask those friends for support? It comes across as all very uncomfortable for those caught between you both, so I'm not surprised they've stepped away. From her perspective, your behaviour may have been very hurtful. When you're looking at other friendships in future, don't expect any one person to meet all your needs, spread the load a bit and then it's easier for others to be there for you.

I think the word friend is used too easily. You had a set of good associates. Only when you have been through it can you tell who your friends really are. You can have not had an issue for years and the one time you need someone they are not around.

Sorry this happened to you OP but the best thing you can do for yourself is move on. Reach out to individuals from the group if you value their friendship but do not gossip behind anyones back. Hard lesson learned.

She was clearly a bit of a user, unfortunately and the others presumably gleefully told her what you had said and made it clear that you were 'bitching' about her. Be sad and move on. Find better friends.

Your just finding out what people are like, you'll come to terms with it.
Everything teaches us a lessons in life. Just keep moving forward.
Things can turn bad with people in an instant.