AMIB to cause a fall out by saying no to RSVP?

[Wigmic]

DBIL and his DF have sent rsvps for their abroad wedding in 2026 which have to be returned by end of March this year and I'm really struggling with what to reply.

There's a lot of history with DBIL & his DF and admittedly I'm not fully over how they have acted towards/treated me & DH in recent years. Brief back story - they had a big falling out with someone else in the family, tried to get everyone involved and when DH & I declined to engage as we thought they were in the wrong they turned on us, primarily me, as I am really close to the person they had the initial falling out with.

I had thought we were slowly moving on but they have spelt my very common name wrong on the invite and cut out my surname, instead just putting DH's surname, when they know we both have double-barrelled with my surname first. Example- they've put "Mr John & jayne Smith" when it should be "Mr John & Jane Cooper-Smith". Petty I know but I'm pmsing and it's really gotten under my skin tonight.

I don't want to aggravate things further with them as I know, from previous experience, if I rsvp no they will make a song and dance about it. But the other part of me doesn't want to fork out ££££'s to go to a wedding where they can't be polite enough to get our names correct.

Who knows, 2 years down the line we may all be best friends again, but my knee jerk reaction it to tell them to feck off and send DH on his own!

Apologies! Title should be "AIBU to cause a fall out by saying no to RSVP?" 😊

If you don't want to go, don't go.

But to base your decision and risk a family fall out over the name on your invite seems disproportionate and dramatic.

2026? I would commit to anything that far ahead. Just ignore it. Besides why is it on you to reply. Its your husbands family

I can’t imagine telling my husband that I am not going to his brothers wedding.

Are you unavailable on the date in question or are you trying to make the point you dislike them? Presumably DH is the one to decide whether he is going, more than you.

You have over 2 months to decide. When DH responds he can make sure that he spells both of your names correctly.

It's barely 2024

Who do these people think they are?!

I suspect a huge amount of drama laamaing on both sides. Wedding is two years away, perhaps all will have matured by then.

How can anyone predict what they will be doing and what their financial position will be in 2 years time? Fine to tell folk your plan so they can start saving etc, but a formal invite?

Anyway, sounds like you don’t want go, so don’t. Or if you do think it will all blow over then say you are going and pull out nearer the time.

My concern would be, in your shoes, that if I did not attend it would put my husband in a difficult place. It may also cement your role as (one of) the black sheep in the family.

Not to dismiss your feelings of course, but sometimes one has to take one for the team and suffer dickheads with a dignified insouciance.

I would go, hold my tongue, and present myself in a good light. It gets hubby out of a tight spot, confounds the dickheads, and allows you to regain some control over the situation.

@GintyMcGinty It's not just because of getting our names wrong. More it's brought up feelings from their past actions that I'm trying to move on from and it's just sent me in a spiral tonight.

I just needed to vent and get some opinions but more than happy to admit if im BU and need to suck it up and go

@Marmalady75 That's also a little bit of my worry. It's a kids free wedding abroad and we want to start trying for a baby in the next year so wont know what our financial or baby situation will be by the time of the wedding.

That's a good shout. I might rsvp yes for now with the hopes the relationships improve by then but not fully commit until closer to the time in case.

I would not go to an overseas wedding if it won't fit in to our normal holiday plans, but I do think you are finding excuses not to got and if it was not this in your op there would be something else

You don't want to go say not
, I hate destination weddings unless everyone does it as group all in favour thing but yes I think you are being dramatic

I’d go. It’s not worth blowing up a close family relationship over. Yes they should get your name right, but it’s more likely to be accidental than a deliberate slight. My extended family get my name wrong all the time. It’s not that they hate me (I hope), it’s just that they aren’t so great on spelling. Even though my name is common and doesn’t really have spelling variants in common usage in my part of the world.

If, in 2 years time, you have a little one and can’t make it then apologise and send a gift. I’d find it odd that someone rsvp’d no to my wedding just in case they have a baby they couldn’t travel with.

Invites 2 years out is strange, but they could be trying to be considerate since it’ll likely require travel for everyone, which may require lots of notice for some.

Expecting people to RSVP 2 years ahead is nuts! It’s a lifetime!

and I hear ya on the incorrect name. DH’s family has been doing this to me forever and it’s irritating and rude.

When we get an invitation, I always tell DH, “you and that chick Eliza are invited to a wedding!”

I would put the fall out and the wrong names aside, but I would not commit to something two years ahead!

Me neither. Are they part of the Royal Family or someone equally important/busy to be demanding RSVPs two years before the actual wedding?

I wouldn't be spending hard-earned money on anyone's wedding abroad.

What's wrong with popping down to the local registry office. COL is bad enough already for most people.

This typical English thing of "keeping up with the Jones". Ridiculous.

dh should rsvp maybe and explain you are trying for a baby so will confirm closer to the time, thank them for the invite.

It’s dhs brother, without an exceptional reason of course he should be there.

The name inaccuracy wouldn't bother me and is a ridiculously petty reason not to attend. The nature of the wedding being abroad is a perfectly good reason, though as it is his brother it may come into the category of things you (especially your dh) feel you have to do.

The name thing is rude. Several people in my family insist on (after 30 years of marriage) calling me by my DH’s name even though I decided to keep my birth name at marriage and politely and with humour remind them of it several times over the years. So, I understand why you are annoyed.

But the wedding decision shouldn’t be connected to the name issue. Just go if you can, and want to. But it’s really for your DH to communicate with them.

@MariaLuna do you really think that ‘keeping up with the Jones’ is an English thing?’ I have lived in 3 other countries and I don’t agree with you. If you’re talking about English middle classes, it’s definitely not considered classy to be flash, it’s seen as vulgar. The biggest and most expensive weddings I have been to have been in other countries. Unless you are comparing English to eg. Welsh, Scottish?

Say yes to avoid inevitable dramas from any other response but know that backing out is an option and make sure any bookings are fully refundable.

Quite simply I would never pay thousands to go to someone else's wedding...unless I gave birth to them. Otherwise it's a polite but firm no thank you.

I would rsvp yes but not book anything. You can always cancel closer to the time if you can't go or if you have fell out.

It won't cost them any money as long as you cancel with some notice. But 2 years is ridiculous.

To add...in this scenario dh can go if he likes. I wouldn't spend extra for me to go.