AMIB to cause a fall out by saying no to RSVP?

[Wigmic]

DBIL and his DF have sent rsvps for their abroad wedding in 2026 which have to be returned by end of March this year and I'm really struggling with what to reply.

There's a lot of history with DBIL & his DF and admittedly I'm not fully over how they have acted towards/treated me & DH in recent years. Brief back story - they had a big falling out with someone else in the family, tried to get everyone involved and when DH & I declined to engage as we thought they were in the wrong they turned on us, primarily me, as I am really close to the person they had the initial falling out with.

I had thought we were slowly moving on but they have spelt my very common name wrong on the invite and cut out my surname, instead just putting DH's surname, when they know we both have double-barrelled with my surname first. Example- they've put "Mr John & jayne Smith" when it should be "Mr John & Jane Cooper-Smith". Petty I know but I'm pmsing and it's really gotten under my skin tonight.

I don't want to aggravate things further with them as I know, from previous experience, if I rsvp no they will make a song and dance about it. But the other part of me doesn't want to fork out ££££'s to go to a wedding where they can't be polite enough to get our names correct.

Who knows, 2 years down the line we may all be best friends again, but my knee jerk reaction it to tell them to feck off and send DH on his own!

Everything else aside there's no chance I'd be RSVPing to a wedding 2 YEARS in the future.

Anything could have happened or changed in anyone's life by then, and they sound like the sort to kick off or sulk if someone backs out having RSVP'd yes.

I'd reply saying you won't be able to attend. Why would you commit to spending a fortune on a wedding abroad when the people getting married aren't even friendly towards you?
If asked you don't have to get into reasons or excuses. Just say it's too far ahead to commit so it's better to decline now, rather than causing them inconvenience in the future if you have to cancel. Then rinse and repeat that - don't talk about possible babies, finances, other commitments...

An RSVP to an abroad wedding 2 years in advance? Hmmm, sounds like they need a certain number of guests to get their wedding at a heavily reduced cost or even free. Good chance that you will be subsidising them.

If you do decide to go, check how flexible flights and accommodation etc are. And get iron clad insurance that covers wedding cancellation. Because if they do need a certain number of people attending to get it cheaply for themselves, a few drop outs might cause them to cancel it and you'd be stuck with a very expensive, unwanted holiday.

Is this your husband's brother? Why are you the decision maker? It's a bit weird.

No way would I be going. From the backstory you’ve given they sound like they like to manufacture drama. Your H can go alone. His family, his problem.

You need to discuss it with OH, but it wouldn't be unreasonable to say you simply cannot commit to the wedding this far ahead, as your circumstances may have changed by then. If they are getting married abroad and not including children, then they are going to realise fairly soon that they may well get quite a few 'sorry but no' responses.

Thanks for all your inputs, its been really helpful. After having a good sleep, I've put the anxiety to bed about it and will be rsvping yes in the hopes things improve by the wedding. But really good shout @OrderOfTheKookaburra to remember to get really reliable holiday insurance in case!

For those questioning why it's my decision, sorry if I wasn't clear. I was umming and ahhring over my attendance not DH's attendance. He decided he was going to the wedding but said he supported it's my choice if I went, and I supported that he wanted to go.

It’s your H brothers wedding! I think you are being petty.

Why are you needing to RVSP so far in advance do you know? By all means, it's courteous to let someone know in advance if it's a destination wedding as it gives people time to save if they want to go, but a save the date would have worked?

There is no need for an official invite yet, unless as someone mentioned they need to have a minimum capacity for a venue, but they would have to take the hit and pay if they didn't fill numbers!

Plus you can normally grasp if someone wants to attend by the reaction from the save the date too. We've just sent save the dates for our wedding in 2025, but the official RVSP invites won't be going out until about 9 month before. Already lots of people have replied saying they are looking forward to it, which I'm assuming is an unofficial yes

Surely you can RSVP either way and just say "BIL and DF, our surnames are actually X-Y, not sure if you've forgotten" or something. Not sure why you wouldn't correct them.

This all sounds astonishingly petty.

Imo someone else's wedding should never cost the guest more than a card and the taxi fare there and back...

If I join a dating site tonight I might get married before then. 2026 wtf. Is their wedding like the World Cup. Maybe they will have split before then. And no don't tell them you are ttc

I would RSVP yes for now, providing it's not prohibitively expensive, and see how their behaviour is over the next year or so. If they act like dicks then don't feel bad about withdrawing your acceptance (DH can still go if he wants).

If you should be heavily pregnant or have a baby by that time then you have your get out of jail card and can say you're no longer able to attend, without feeling guilty.