Be annoyed with my partner 3 weeks postpartum

[mkwar]

Hi all,

Long story short, I had a really traumatic birth New Year's Day, and have not been recovering well physically, I had a episiotomy and during my first week home all the stitches come out so I now literally just have an open wound down there which is extremely painful and uncomfortable and triage won't restitch or do anything for it so I am left to just let it heal and have done a course of antibiotics. My partner is back to work next week on Monday, we have been taking it in turns doing a night each with DS, so we both can rest a bit so to the point it has ended up meaning I do tonight and tomorrow night but then when he goes back to work days and night will be 100% on me due to him having to drive a lot for work and we agreed we are not happy him driving so far on little sleep, so he done last nights feeds and what not, his mum and his family said he should let me have tonight off too so I can rest as it's all on me from Sunday, he agreed - then tonight says he is too tired considering little man was good as gold last night and he got a good sleep, and that he thinks I should do tonight instead. The thing is physically I am still exhausted and in a lot of pain and it's hard to walk still and use the bathroom, funny thing I kind of knew he would do this, Aibu? And just being hormonal and moody about it, or do you think he should have let me rest, considering I take the baby every morning and let him lay in sometimes till midday then I do everything for DS all day, he gets to shower eat and what not I don't even get the chance to shower! Sorry for the essay just needed to vent lol I'm open to the fact I could be wrong here so don't be soft if I am lol x

I don't think you're wrong. You're a new mother and you're in pain. He should be supporting you wherever possible, absolutely.

Something sounds wrong with the lack of stitching though. Do you perhaps have a sympathetic GP who could advocate for you? It sounds awful.

He lays in bed until midday and you have a newborn 😳

I think you should call 111 or the hospital you had your baby at to get your wound looked at.

Yes he should do the night feeds. Please tell him again how you are physically feeling.

He genuinely has been supportive but more so in the first week home I don't think supportive enough since he sees going back to work as the harder job and that has changed his attitude slightly, in regards to my stitches I have spoken to so many midwife's each one that's visited the home and I have been to triage and still got no where they have just told me they will not and don't normally restitch I have an appointment with a specialist on the 5th of February so hopefully something is done then x

He shouldn't be lying in till midday! And he should be having the baby for long enough for you to shower and eat properly. My goodness he is letting you down.

Unfortunately I have done all of this and they have said there is nothing they will do and to wait for it to heal, it's so bad and the aftercare has been awful, the whole thing is completely wide open sorry for tmi, just adds to post baby insecurities too x

That's exactly it hit the nail on the head, I really do feel let down x

No, he’s being a dick.

Let’s see how he would feel having a watermelon forced through the end of his penis and then having stitches come undone and being expected to carry on as normal. No. Just no.

I left my now ex for similar reasons. Selfish arses.

He shouldn't be lying in bed until midday! How's that fair! Have you communicated this with him?

We did sit down and have a chat about how I was feeling because I didn't feel as supported as I did the first week we came home and just to remember that I was only a couple of weeks postpartum and things are still hard especially physically and he seemed to understand but in all fairness his actions stayed the same x

Hi.
Just to offer some reasurance with the wound. It happened to me on day 7 stitches opened. Went back to hospital for antibiotic. It does heal on its own. They dont re stitch as they would be stitching the infection inside. So they let it heal itself. They told me that instead of it healing closed from the top down as it would with stitched it heals from the bottom up. The wound will fill with new tissue until it comes to skin level where the scar will be. It does heal. I didnt believe anyone either. Say several consultants etc. i am now 4 years on and no issues at all. Wound was closed by my 6 week check. Its so vascular there it heals faster than most places on the body i was told. Message if you have any questions or want a chat about it. All the best xx

He's selfish, lacks empathy and completely unreliable. He is absolutely in the wrong here. There are so many fathers who put the hours in with a newborn after a day at work. Him being tired is no excuse.

You're tired (and I can imagine on the brink of exhaustion) and you deserve a break, no questions asked. You need to speak straight with him and ensure he doesn't get into the habit of getting away with it.

Nah sod that. My DD was born 3 days after yours and my DH gets up every time baby cries, asks me if I need anything (I'm breastfeeding so he can't help there), changes baby if she needs and then will have a short chat before he goes back to sleep and I finish feeding. He's awake for less time than me, but he then takes older DD in the morning so I can carry on sleeping with the baby.

Your DP needs to have a word with himself. Of course he's tired, you both are, you have a newborn, but he needs to step up and stop being a dick.

Do you have supportive family who you could go and stay with for a couple of days? If you can, I would sit down with your DP and tell him that his actions aren't supportive and if he doesn't immediately sort it out then you will go and stay with family for a few days so you can rest and heal. You should be prepared to follow through on that though.

@HafNedd123

I hope the OP finds this reassuring, (as it's not something I have suffered from so I wouldn't have known that) altho her 6 week check is still almost 3 weeks away.

I hope the father resumes the nights on Fri evening, and does Saturdays too.

Appreciate that but was trying to reasure that it will close. When i was at the three week point mine was still a open wound too. Went to the six week check to be told it has closed. To be fair i had good after care and was seen in the hospital by a consultant weekly until week 4 where they were happy with progress. Then discharged to care of GP. Saw consultant again at 4 months pp who said everything was completely fine. Its hard to feel like it will heal now. But it will. X

Hi OP- you poor thing, I know how you feel to an extent. My DH works nights, my second DC is now 5 months old so I've been through the newborn stage twice in this scenario with the nights completely on me etc.

Both times I've gone to stay with family for a week when he went back to work but I guess this may not be an option for you.

You have to put your foot down on his days off and insist that he allow you to catch up on sleep, even if it means he's tired the next day. As long as he's not driving straight away he will have to suck it up and be tired! Whilst it's not safe for him to drive while overtired, it's also not totally safe for you to look after a baby on no sleep so you need to insist that he consider yours and baby's wellbeing. If you need to grab 2/3 hours sleep when he's at home before/after a shift then he'll need to take the baby.

This stage is so very hard but I promise it will become easier. I had many arguments with my DH during the first 8 weeks postpartum, it's a very difficult time but he does need to step up a bit by the sounds of things.

I hope your tear heals very soon and congratulations on your baby

Hi I have private messaged you thank you so much! X

Honestly needed to hear this from everyone I think because I was really wondering if I was just being dramatic I am doing to try and talk to him again tonight but to be honest i just feel drained saying the same things because I feel like he thinks I am just going on, it's such a shame cause I read some people saying their partner was really attentive and supportive and I don't feel like I've had that even though I really thought I wouldve thank you everyone your all right he is being a dick 🤣

Hi @mkwar I just wanted to add my voice that your wound will heal, although I know it feels impossible at the moment. I'm also happy for you to message me, if it helps. My midwife recommended sitting on a doughnut cushion, don't do too much walking and letting air reach the area helps after a gentle salt water baths (it didn't sting). Although that's easier said than done with a newborn.

FWIW I think your other half is being unreasonable and having been through similar I would reach out to family for support.

He's being a terrible husband. You should be having plenty of time to shower and eat. He should be doing as many nights as poss and NOT LYING IN TIL MIDDAY, the lazy fucker.

When have you had a lie-in till midday?????

Start getting angry and expecting more.

Why is he tired if your ds had a good sleep last night?? Why?

I'd remind him of your episiotomy and how shit you feel, and say your job isn't 9-5, it's 24/7, so you need him to step up.

I'm angry on your behalf.

Well if it helps, tell him that my partner just read this and said " Lazy wanker".

I knew I come to the right place for advice 🤣 thank you all for confirming I am right part of me feels like reading this all back to him now x

Oh yeah I would go mad. You must be in so much pain.

I'd also be making him use AL to take time of during the first few months on a Friday so he does Thurs/ fris and Sat nights

If he is tired tell him to have some caffeine as it's going to worse not better in my experience.

Ps I have from pregnancy to present day read stories and post from MN and tell my partner what I think and what I would not tolerate. Your meant to be a team, him being safe whilst driving absolutely, he is not working the next day its putting your sleep needs first

Don't forget if your finances allow he can take unpaid parental leave if you need him to in week blocks