Be annoyed with my partner 3 weeks postpartum

[mkwar]

Hi all,

Long story short, I had a really traumatic birth New Year's Day, and have not been recovering well physically, I had a episiotomy and during my first week home all the stitches come out so I now literally just have an open wound down there which is extremely painful and uncomfortable and triage won't restitch or do anything for it so I am left to just let it heal and have done a course of antibiotics. My partner is back to work next week on Monday, we have been taking it in turns doing a night each with DS, so we both can rest a bit so to the point it has ended up meaning I do tonight and tomorrow night but then when he goes back to work days and night will be 100% on me due to him having to drive a lot for work and we agreed we are not happy him driving so far on little sleep, so he done last nights feeds and what not, his mum and his family said he should let me have tonight off too so I can rest as it's all on me from Sunday, he agreed - then tonight says he is too tired considering little man was good as gold last night and he got a good sleep, and that he thinks I should do tonight instead. The thing is physically I am still exhausted and in a lot of pain and it's hard to walk still and use the bathroom, funny thing I kind of knew he would do this, Aibu? And just being hormonal and moody about it, or do you think he should have let me rest, considering I take the baby every morning and let him lay in sometimes till midday then I do everything for DS all day, he gets to shower eat and what not I don't even get the chance to shower! Sorry for the essay just needed to vent lol I'm open to the fact I could be wrong here so don't be soft if I am lol x

See this is how these lazy fucker men start. Now he'll go back to work and you'll be expected to do all the child care, all the nights because you're on maternity leave. Then you'll go back to work but the baby will get used to you caring for them because he never bothered his arse so you'll have to keep doing everything because he does everything wrong and the baby cries and he might even say he thinks he has post natal depression 🙄 because he thinks the baby hates him (convenient) then you worry about that and take over permanently while he lies on his ass all weekend when he's not doing his very important hobbies.

I suspect there's a handbook some king incel is issuing these cunts.

Does he understand your wound?!!!

I'd leave him once you're recovered. In sickness and in health

I remember my episiotomy (33 years ago) and it was like sitting on razor wire for fucking weeks. Tell him he can play competitive tiredness when he is dealing with an open wound that is agonizing everytime you move, let alone pee or try to sit down, alongside his Big Important Job. Until then, zip it, fucking whiner.

Paternity leave is not for him to lay in bed until noon, wtf!
I hope your wound heals soon, it sounds terribly sore.

Why are you doing everything all day? Why dont you ever get the lie in?

funny thing I kind of knew he would do this
sounds like he was shut before this too. How much does he generally do at home?

Jesus if my DH tried to lie in until midday when we had a 3 week old I might have actually murdered him.

It's a classic case of him prioritising 1) himself 2) the baby 3) you

....and you prioritising the 1) the baby 2) him 3) you.

You need to force yourself up that order, at the very least on your own list.

Honestly, midday is mental. Unless you get to do it too, it needs to stop.

He is being selfish.

I never understand partners who are okay with mum not getting any sleep and looking after the baby. God forbid, if mum finally passes out from exhaustion and the baby was positioned wrong on a sofa, then the baby might die. That's the worst case scenario of course but does it never cross their minds?

My friend had the same as you and her episiotomy stitches burst and they wouldn’t re-stitch due to possible infection (if I can remember right). Your partner and family really need to be stepping up right now as her recovery took a longgggg time.

It’s such a hard phase when the other half goes back to work even without your extra issues, but if you have family around that can come and help please lean on them - let them look after baby for a few hours, even if you just sit on the couch and relax while they see to baby.

When I had DD back in the summer DH and I split the nights in 2. He did the early shift, from 7pm until 1am, and I went to sleep. We would then swap and he would sleep from 1am until 7.
Then I would grab an hour top up. It worked for us until DD started sleeping through enough that we could go to bed together.

Even now DH will do a full day doing a physical job and as soon as he is home and clean, he takes DD. Although DD sleeps amazingly, I need 20 mins.

Your DH needs to up his game. He is being a prick.

Update - I told him it's was unfair and then he said he would do the night, then proceeded to show he clearly didn't want to, do which I said 'if your going to make a big fuss of it I'll do it' cause he said 'I won't hear him cry in the night so you'll just have to keep waking me up anyway' so that didn't fill me with confidence I would rather do it myself if that's his attitude but he was quite happy when I said I would do it so looks like I'm doing it I don't even have the energy to argue about it but how fucking selfish x

So how did he manage to do nights in the first place ? if he now thinks he won't hear baby/

So he can sleep on baby's bedroom floor - I am sure he will then hear the baby, or the baby's cot / moses basket /whatever baby is sleeping in can go in the living room and he can sleep on the sofa.

He's a twat but I'd have made him do tonight, I'd have slept away from them both. He'll wake up if baby needs. You've gained no ground by asking him then letting him off, if anything you've shown him that petulance and being an arse pays off.
Good luck

Heya I had what you had, it takes time to heal and they are right. If they'd re stitch it, it won't heal well, as it actually takes longer. Alongside the infections risk happening it pockets underneath the stitches. I know at the time it feels like there doing nothing, trust me I understand, especially after going through a birth trauma and feeling the same. Having the same happen etc. also he's being a prick, most men are at this stage. Tell him he's doing it end of.

Just seen your update- he is acting like a child tbh. He needs to sort himself out. Do you have a spare room and a baby monitor? I would be taking myself off to another place to sleep ( spare room or sofa), keep the baby monitor with you if you're anxious about baby, but leave him to it and he will just have to wake up if baby cries. Alternatively send him and baby to the living room if you have somewhere for baby to sleep in there. The whole 'I won't hear the baby anyway' attitude is complete nonsense. If he 'can't' wake up then you need to consistently wake him up at first, he'll soon get the message.

I really feel for you, you shouldn't have to deal with this behaviour when you're still so vulnerable and healing. You also shouldn't have to teach him how to do his share of caring for the baby, but unfortunately I think if you don't send him a clear message at this stage it will set a precedent and everything will be on you forevermore.

I'm not sure if you're breastfeeding or formula, it sounds like formula from your OP. If it is formula, there is literally no reason at all why you can't be getting a full 6/8 hours of sleep on the weekend. He needs to step up and look after you.

He’s an abject failure.

I had a section and my dh did about 75% of the nights while he was off. No way would he have left me to do it after I'd just had major abdominal surgery. My ds woke every 3 hours for feeding as well.

It is usual not to restitch and just let the wound gradually heal over - and they have given antibiotic cover which is good. But it is, I know, very sore. Your OH should be helping you in every way possible - ask him how he might be feeling if the tip of his penis had been cut and stitched.

He said that because he knew that you would do it. He's perfectly capable of hearing the baby since he's done nights before.

Don't enable his behaviour. He needs to step up, I wouldn't allow working to be used as an excuse either.

Yanbu

This is step one of the useless bastard's play ok - make it harder to get them to help than it is to do it themselves. It's called weaponised incompetence, or in this case weaponised callousness - he knows you get upset that he thinks you're nagging, that you're worried about him neglecting the baby, that you don't want to argue, and he is using all that against you. It is deliberate.

In that case he needs to put a blow up bed in the baby’s room when he is doing the overnight care. If tou dont already have one, order one for next weekend.

Youre three weeks in. You need to step on this now. The routine you set now will be his expectation when you return to work. Then you will be stuck.

anf fgs dont get pregnant again.

Tell him that he is disappointing you, and you thought he was a better man than this. Tell him that you love him (if you do), but that you have a baby together now and love is not enough to keep this relationship any more, you need to feel supported and cherished and as if your child is cherished, not neglected and dragged down.

If none of that has any effect, make sure you shame him publicly - sounds like his mum is on your side and knows he should be doing more, so make sure you tell her he weaselled out of last night, make sure he knows, ideally do it when he's there. Make sure it's obvious you're angry and disappointed with him to his peers, his family, people he cares about the opinion of. He's filed you and your feelings under "doesn't matter", so there's no point appealing to his supposed love for you, his duty to his child, or his better nature.

Men like this thrive on the public image of being a great dad and husband in a successful relationship/family, as it feeds their ego and their self image. Don't let him have that to the world whilst treating you and your child like an appliance and an inconvenience in the home.

From personal experience, the selfishness some men exhibit after you have a baby, when you're at your absolute most vulnerable and they still prioritise their own comfort, is an absolute eye opener, and that bell can never be unrung - it changes how you see them forever. You can push on, make it work,reach a compromise, but they fact they made you work so hard for basic consideration when you had almost nothing to give changes the feelings you have for them forever.

Wow selfish twat. I'm so sorry you're feeling so sore, fwiw things will get better & you will heal. He's a complete let down & what he doesn't realise is deep down you'll never forgive him for it. This is where resentment starts & it'll only get worse if he doesn't change his attitude. Sending you best wishes & congratulations on your little one