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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend in need

33 replies

Ozzy91 · 20/01/2024 19:14

Hi,

I'm in a tricky situation and would like to hear your thoughts.

I have a friend who I have known for 15 years. He has suffered from alcoholism and drug addiction for many years.

I myself am 4 years clean and sober, having struggled for a long time and I have tried to help him on several occasions.

He has messaged me today to tell me he has been kicked out of rehab, his parents don't want him at the house and can he stay with me for a few days.

It's a difficult decision and I want to help, however I have had to say no. As mentioned I am in recovery, as is my husband and we have a baby. I've told him it's too risky to have him stay (last time he was in my home, he used in the bathroom).

I feel incredibly guilty for saying no and worry about what will happen to him. He is in a very bad place health wise and it's not far fetched to say he might not live for much longer.

Have I made the right decision? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
sharptoothlemonshark · 20/01/2024 19:15

100% the right decision - stay strong!

Lizzieregina · 20/01/2024 19:16

You’ve done the right thing. You can’t save him or fix him. He has to take responsibility for himself and allowing him in your home puts your recovery at risk.

MadamVastra · 20/01/2024 19:18

You HAVE to put yourself first

Tinkerbyebye · 20/01/2024 19:19

You are doing the right thing. You and your family come first

Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2024 19:19

Of COURSE you've made the right decision.

Justcallmebebes · 20/01/2024 19:22

Totally the right decision. However hard, don't threaten your own sobriety

Surprisenewtcatcher · 20/01/2024 19:22

That must have felt very difficult. You've made the right decision for you, your husband and your baby.

Createausername1970 · 20/01/2024 19:24

I agree. But can you stay in touch with him? And maybe make some enquiries about other places he might stay.

I am assuming he got kicked out of rehab because he broke the rules, so you couldn't really have him in the house, not when you and your husband are doing well and raising a family.

But I get how guilty you feel about saying no.

OneTC · 20/01/2024 19:25

It's not as easy decision but it's probably the right one, if you foresee a terrible outcome for him then obviously it's gonna bother you though. I ended a relationship with someone on a similar note and I still feel bad about it now but also know what the outcome would have been had I stuck with it

Universalsnail · 20/01/2024 19:26

You were right to say no.

I understand though. I had to do something similar to a friend once when I first had a baby. She would have put me at risk. I would feel guilty too and did feel very guilty. But you have to put your baby and your own recovery first. I'm sorry it's so difficult

eyespartyparty · 20/01/2024 19:28

You've done the right thing, don't feel guilty, your baby is the priority.

LifeExperience · 20/01/2024 19:29

Do not let him. You are in recovery and need to think of yourself.

Sera1989 · 20/01/2024 19:29

You must be feeling guilty but I completely agree it's the right decision. He has got himself to this point, made decisions that meant he was kicked out of rehab, and it is not your responsibility to try to save him or even put a roof over his head. He broke your trust the last time. Congratulations on being clean and sober for so long! You have to put yourself and your family first

Alwaysalwayscold · 20/01/2024 19:29

That must have been really hard OP. Well done for making the right decision.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/01/2024 19:32

He has messaged me today to tell me he has been kicked out of rehab, his parents don't want him at the house and can he stay with me for a few days.

Four years sober you KNOW the answer to this. It's written in 5 foot neon letters in your brain. I suspect your own addiction has been working out a little and is trying to find ways to get you. Having an actively using addict in your house is dangerous.

Are you courting danger. Did life get too good?

Khdzgg · 20/01/2024 19:34

You can’t have him in your house with a baby; you just can’t. On top of that it risks your recovery. He’s not your responsibility. We’ve had this with a friend and felt bad but our DC have to come first

Neolara · 20/01/2024 19:38

You absolutely have done the right thing. You'd be completely mad to have your friend come and stay. Waaaaaay to risky .

SerenChocolateMuncher · 20/01/2024 19:40

You can't help people who won't help themselves. It sounds like others have tried to help him, but he can't or won't accept help.

You must put your family and yourself first. He has already abused your hospitality before and you have every good reason to think he will do so again.

He will drag you down if he can, so don't give him the chance. Addicts like the company of addicts, so he is a threat to your new life and happiness. Taking him in won't help him, but it will probably harm your family. Don't let him do it.

Riverlee · 20/01/2024 19:43

He’s not your responsibility. You’ve done the right thing.

scorpiogirly · 20/01/2024 19:49

You are not being unreasonable. To alleviate any guilt you might feel, you had a choice between him and your baby. You chose your baby.

Worriedaboutleaving · 20/01/2024 19:51

Please don’t take him in. My parents took a heroin addict / alcholics in to our family home from when I was 7 ... ‘to help people and do the right thing’. It screwed me right up. Your home should be 100% safe for your children and YOU.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 20/01/2024 20:02

As a parent you must put your baby first. And doing that means you don't bring an addict into their home. If it we're just adults in the house I would still advise against it, but ultimately you'd be free to take the risk if you chose to. As a parent you're not free, you have a responsibility to your child.

If social services discover you've got an addict in the house with your baby they will come snooping, and very likely start questioning whether you can be trusted to make the right decisions to protect your child, especially with your own history of addiction.

I get that you want to help your friend, and yes you're probably right that he may not live much longer with the path he is going down. However, to churn out an age old saying, you can't help someone who won't help themselves.

Addiction is awful, and it is very very sad. But you must protect yourself and your child.

PeskyPotato · 20/01/2024 20:04

Yes you're doing the right thing. Your baby and your own health is too important.

LakeTiticaca · 20/01/2024 20:09

Yes you have done the right thing. He must be drinking to get kicked out of rehab, he's not safe near you or your baby x

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/01/2024 20:10

NO ! Your 1st responsibility is to your baby.