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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BLOODY HUSBAND HAS BOOKED HOLIDAY

85 replies

hifi · 19/03/2008 14:07

dd starts school in sept, we normally go away for 3 weeks at xmas as its easy for dh to be off, he wanted to go away for 5 weeks this year. this was fine as we were going to keep dd off school for a year, she has now got into a fab school so couldn't turn the school down.
we spoke about the holiday and i said we would now have to go around when she is off at xmas,lots of huffing and puffing from dh about its the best time for him to have off. i have tried to explain to him that we have to work around term times now.

he has just called,all very up beat and said he has just booked the flights for 3 weeks off, meaning she will have to miss a week before xmas hols, im fuming.
aibu in thinking this is totally selfish, he says it doesnt matter as his mate says its only her first year and it doesnt matter.
do i tell school or feign illness?

OP posts:
Hulababy · 19/03/2008 20:19

I thnk it does matter personally. I think the timing is really bad for a child in their first year of school. OK, they don't do much work in taht last week, but it is the week of the nativity play, Christmas party and other fun stuff There will be a lot of time spent in the weeks before practising the nativity, and making party hats and things for the party, and learning carols for the service/assemblies. My DD would have not liked to have been doing all that practise knowing she was going to miss the real thing, and she would have been missing out in her eyes.

I don't think it will matter academically however, not at that time of year and for a week at ths age.

I persoanlly won't do term time holidays. I want to install the idea into DD that school is not optional.

Hulababy · 19/03/2008 20:20

I would also be cross with Dh for going against my wishes and booking the holidy when I had said not to. That is disregardig your opinions and showing you lack of respect.

sophiewd · 19/03/2008 20:22

Our local primary school allows 10 days authorised absence a year, maybe yours does, when DD starts we have to go in term time or not go at all and to be quite honest it doesn't really matter at such a young age

FluffyMummy123 · 19/03/2008 20:23

Message withdrawn

QuintessentiallyAnEmptyCave · 19/03/2008 20:27

She will probably be even more gutted to not get a part and sit on the side line and watch while her friends who are practicing for the nativity play, for a lot time during november and december. Because obviously, you will not let her take on a part, and then let everybody down and ruin the play by her not turning up (as she is on a beach somewhere)

Judy1234 · 19/03/2008 20:34

Some women of course give most power in a relationship to their husband so it may be she just has that kind of submissive relationship to him, will kow two and yet again prove he decides things even if her child suffers.

Original poster
hifi · 20/03/2008 09:33

not submissive xenia, i agree with him having the power as he has all the money, im a sahm. it does get very frustrating.

OP posts:
mumeeee · 20/03/2008 10:11

It doesn't mater she won't be doing a lot in the last wek of term before Christmas.

Hulababy · 20/03/2008 10:18

hifi - he really shouldn't have all the power. You save him a fortune by being at home - presumably you take care of childcare, house work, ironing, shopping, cooking, keeping the social diary to date, etc. This would cst him a small fortune i you had to outsource it all, or a lot of time if you had to share it at weekends 9if you worked).

Don't belittle how much you do and the fact that you should be EQUALS in the relationship, especially with regards to decision making.

bozza · 20/03/2008 10:22

I agree with nab, hula, cod, xenia etc. But particularly the point about him just going ahead and doing it totally against anything you want. Just cos he earns the money does not mean he has the right to make all the decisions. Could you not go to Thailand for two weeks?

Having said all that I am having to take DS out of school for one day. But that is because instead of having 6 weeks holiday they are having 5 weeks and 4 days. How ridiculous is that? I am not telling them until the last minute because I want to see if he can get an attendence award. He missed out last year because he had a hospital appt that was midmorning but this year it is on an inset day.

Clayhead · 20/03/2008 10:24

I agree with Hula - doesn't matter too much academically but a social nightmare missing all of the things which go on in that week. My friend did similar with her dd in reception and never did it again - her dd was distraught at missing out after being in all the practices.

Original poster
hifi · 20/03/2008 12:46

he does think he can ride rough shod, not only me, but everyone. hes so used to having his own way. i have spoken to him and he sees it as doing something nice for the family. so, i have told him we have to change it.

OP posts:
jammi · 20/03/2008 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Judy1234 · 20/03/2008 14:35

This is why women should work full time so they maintain a correct balance of power in a relationship and aren't cap in hand to a man who has the decision making and money making power which never works very well (hence why most women don't do it nowadays)

Original poster
hifi · 20/03/2008 14:43

xenia, i will go back to work eventually, i have to its affecting my self esteem. he doesnt make all the decisions, we make them jointly, he thought he was doing something nice.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyAnEmptyCave · 20/03/2008 14:47

Sad old world if the only way a woman can keep a healthy power balance in a relationship is by taking work outside the home.

That is not even "women liberation" that is stereo gender typing gone OTT.

Why should a woman not have merit on all her achievements, rather than be undervalued for her domestic contributions?

Attitudes like these are not only misplaced, but not doing women any good.

Any woman should be able to chose what she wants to do, stay at home, or not, totally dependent on her own terms, belifs, qualification and personal ideas. Not feel she has to take full time work to gain an even footing.

Anna8888 · 20/03/2008 14:48

The fact that a woman works or not has absolutely nothing to do with her ability to negotiate a fair balance of power in a relationship.

In fact, women who insist on working for that reason generally aren't able to negotiate a fair deal with their partners - they work to protect themselves from an intrinsically unfair situation.

Read "Life and How To Survive It" for a good analysis of this.

Anna8888 · 20/03/2008 14:49

x-post Quintessentially

Original poster
hifi · 20/03/2008 14:58

i think on the whole most women go back to work because they have to financially.yes some do because they want to but from the people i have met they are few and far between.
i earned more than dh when we met,i had a very demanding job that interfered massively with our life. when he started his own company he needed more support, i went part time, he was earning more in a week than i was in a year. he did however make up the difference in what i was losing in salary.

OP posts:
clam · 20/03/2008 14:59

Why must it be 3 weeks? 2 weeks is enough for most people, (and we're going to Thailand in May for only 10 days. It's do-able) although you could stretch it by a day or two either way if there are INSET days.
And by the way, it's not just the missing of their school plays/carol concerts etc... Much of the second half of the Autumn term is taken up with practising. That's going to make all the dull sitting around even worse for her if she's not involved.
And I too would be livid if DH came home and announced he'd gone ahead and booked a holiday without discussing the final dates with me, especially if there was already an issue about it. Does he ride roughshod over your opinions elswhere in your relationship?

Original poster
hifi · 20/03/2008 15:02

no clam he doesnt, we discuss most things, have the same goals, dreams etc.we both have focuses which we decide on our xmas holiday as it happens, thats financial, family,home, social. we then decide who does what, who makes it happen.

OP posts:
clam · 20/03/2008 15:14

So how come he "has just called,all very up beat and said he has just booked the flights for 3 weeks off, meaning she will have to miss a week before xmas hols, im fuming."

Original poster
hifi · 20/03/2008 15:21

we had decided to go at xmas, if i was going to delay her start at school we were going to go for 5 weeks, anyway she is starting this year, i had said we couldnt go for 5 weeks, jhe just knocked 2 weeks off and thought it would be ok, he meant it to be a surprise.

OP posts:
QuintessentiallyAnEmptyCave · 20/03/2008 15:22

Lets not all start reading things in to hifi's relationship that isnt there.

If this had been normal behaviour for her dh, I doubt she had posted in shock.

bozza · 20/03/2008 15:23

Yes but why did he not find out what dates the christmas holidays were first? It is obviously not about money, so you could do two weeks in Thailand at Christmas and a week in the Canaries in February.

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