To ask for help to sort my life out?

[BrieCamera]

Bit of background first .. live with DP, both mid 30s, two primary aged kids. Both work full time - pretty standard life, no major health issues, family support etc.

The problem is nearly every aspect of my life I’m low level failing at (I say nearly but somehow I’m doing well at work).

In no particular order, issues are as follows:

• I’m in quite a bit of debt (about 20k)
• I’m classed as obese but only just (size 16)
• My diet is rubbish - to the point I became quite deficient in a few things last year to the point it affected my quite badly
• My house is a cluttered mess I just can’t keep on top of
• The kids are great but I’m don’t feel like I’m the best mum like we’re always behind on reading, not enough quality time together, too much screen time etc

I’ve realised they all pretty much link in together for example on a weekend, house is a mess so spend a couple of hours inefficiently trying to get on top of things or doing important bits like washing uniforms, pretty much ignoring the kids in the process, then realise we’ve not got much in for tea (freezer is full but due to general overwhelm I can’t think to put something together) so nip to shops without much of a plan and end up spending £40 on credit card on a couple of teas plus a load of rubbish snacks for a dopamine hit.

I’m stuck in a cycle of burying my head in the sand and/or feeling constant panic about everything going to shit.

I feel like I need to freeze time for a week to get on top of everything and then restart. I feel like just making small changes isn’t going to work and I need to overhaul everything at once. One idea I had to start with was like a two week rolling meal plan. I can then ensure it’s healthy, it’s I don’t have to think about what to make, and I don’t have to constantly be going to the shop giving me more time with the kids and saving me loads of money.

Does anyone know of any ready made meal plans with inexpensive easy meals that also cover most food groups, vitamins etc? I hoping getting this bit kicked off and working will lead me to then sort the rest of my life out.

Sorry it’s a bit long - will massively appreciate any advice especially if you’ve managed to go from chaos to organised!

What’s in your freezer - meat and veg for start. Do you have rice pasta potatoes in store cupboard. That’s the basis of meals

I don’t think you’re in an unusal situation. I would look at slow cooker recipes
BBC good food have a great spag bol one - you can make twice as much one week and then freeze the other half.

Consider a weekly food delivery too. Same time every week.

Eggs are your friend for many important vitamins and minerals, and their fats are able to dissolve more vitamins on the way. They're also incredibly filling. Throw a bit of veg in and you have an omelette, throw it into a pastry base and bake and you have a quiche. All easy and straightforward meals.

For everything else, you need a plan. I have a weekly planner. I have a list of areas of my life that need improvement, e.g. my house is still a shitheap (it was one when I bought it) and I am crossing something off every week to make it nicer. Last week, I added chains to the plugs in my bathroom sink and tub. A tiny change, which made a little difference. This week, I have bought new bed sheets and thrown a few faded and torn ones out. Next week, I am installing another curtain pole.

That way, you do just one thing a week, but it makes a big difference over time. You cannot tackle it all in one radical move; it's not realistic. So small steps it is, you just need to bring some reminders and organisation in.

If you’re on FB have a look at feed your family for about £20 a week. Not that you have to stick to that budget but they do some good weekly meal plans.
To add I know just how you feel:
Some debt (burying my head in the sand)
House needs a good sort out but I work FT and spend my Saturdays with DM since DF passed away 3 years ago.
Popping to Tesco on my way home from work every night for tea when I know I should do a “big shop”.
Like you I’m going to tackle the food issue first and tomorrow I’ll be grabbing a note book and pen and trawling feed your family for meal ideas

You sound like me and my daily struggles - I have ADHD. Not that I’m trying to diagnose you over the internet but I constantly battle the stress of work, burnout, overwhelm of laundry/tidying, parental guilt, meal planning and feeling like I’m in sensory overload.
We use an app called TimeTree to plan our life. It’s a diary but also has memos so we write our shopping lists etc on there.

I handwrite a meal list and stick it on the fridge as a whiteboard one we had was too much hard work for my brain 🙈.

We use Bored of Lunch slow cooker and air fryer books too and meal plan for the week on a Sunday.

Is there any chance you can get a couple of days off work to make a start? I’d start with checking what’s in the freezer and do a meal plan based on that.

I’d get the washer going on Friday nights and do uniform then. Could you then do another couple of loads on Saturday morning, then set aside 90 minutes to get outside on Saturday afternoons - off to the park? That involves spending some time with the DC and gets you some exercise.

I’d try to make those changes now - and when those are going well, tackle another problem.

If I feel overwhelmed, I’ll set a timer for five or ten minutes to spend picking stuff up, tidying. It’s amazing how much you can get done in that time.

I use the to do app to make a shopping list and a list of whats in my freezer, its been super helpful. I also do a monthly meal plan as I hate doing it so planning weekly feels overwhelming.

Could you take a couple of days off work to focus on this or maybe get the kids to grandparents for a weekend and make a start. Decluttering is often a winner - clears space which keeps the house tidier by default, hopefully you'll find some bits you can sell, helping chip away at the debt?

Agree with pp's. little and often is the way to go. You won't solve the debt etc overnight, it's about improving habits so you are more organised with the meal planning, meaning you do less (expensive) impulse shops.

We have a magnetic whiteboard stuck to our fridge freezer and lots of multicoloured pens. We plan activities, meals, and add shopping list reminders. Very cheap and low tech but highly effective!

Also suggest taking a week off work to catch up, de-stress and have a new start.

Magnetic Weekly Planner Fridge Whiteboard - Weekly Meal Planner - Family Planner - Get organised to Reduce Stress in Your Life amzn.eu/d/85xc30h

I did this - I made a resolution that every day by the time I went to bed, the house would be tidier and more sorted than when I got up. So very day I tidied the mess for that day AND something else, big or small, got done too. This started things moving in the right direction for me. HtH

I agree with your general approach - pick 1 thing to change then get that workinf before you tackle everything else.

It's hard to recommend meal plans as it depends what you like to cook and eat - can you just start by writing a huge list (maybe as a family?) of all the meals you like? Including what veg / sides to serve with them.

Then you can spend 20 mins putting them into a logical order based on how much time you have each night and when you can double up eg chilli and rice one night, something else, then chilli with jacket potatoes.

Make sure the meals are loaded with extra veg / herbs / nuts / garnish as that really boosts your nutrients / gut health.

realfood.tesco.com/meal-planner.html

Maybe you could take a week off work when the kids are at school to relax and do some stuff around the house? I feel good now when I complete a task, even if it's a small one. For example, I had a box on top of my wardrobe that was full of crap from when we moved 18 months ago, I finally sorted it and created space for something else, which felt good. I love small wins!

Next I need to get a few bits from the garage disposed of via a waste carrier, which I'll get pics of this weekend.

As for cooking, I do struggle with this I'll admit, as working FT means I don't have the time and energy to cook, but I try to plan ahead as much as possible and do meal plans.

Well firstly - where's your DP in all of this? What's he (or she) doing to help? All of this simply can't be your responsibility.

Second, can you get a cleaner? Even if it's just in the short term? That would help you get on top of a lot of the house stuff.

... and third, don't make things worse by trying to do everything all at once!

I'd say that the most important thing is to get on top of that debt. You need to work out a plan - firstly by identifying how you've ended up with that debt, and then how you can start to re-pay it. Who do you need to talk to? What's your plan for paying it off going forward? If it's credit card debt, can you shift it to a 0% card? etc.

I also get overwhelmed by work and household chores and financial stuff to do.

One thing that has helped me is to make a list of chores/things to do everyday. It sounds a bit silly- but like 'get out of bed, make bed' 'put on wash' 'empty dishwasher' and so on. I put in what we are having for tea as well. Bin day, bed changes, vitamins. One for the morning routine, and if I had little kids, one for the evening routine.

Part of what is tiring you out is the mental load of rehearsing what you have to do every day. Look at the list, and it tells you. So, in the evening it would have 'prep uniforms for morning', 'read for 10 minutes' and so on.

It doesn't matter if you don't do it all perfectly, that's not the idea. The idea is to tell you all the things you do in a day to give your brain a break from trying to remember when tired.

I even add lists of friends in there to text/meet up with!

I also have a cleaner for 2 hours a week to do the bigger jobs so it's just the daily kitchen clear up and the odd bit of tidying/swish round the loo the rest of the week.

I don't know if you have a partner or how old the children are, but once you have written it all down it's easier to delegate jobs as well. Children dishwasher unstacking on rota, partner on shopping and laundry or whatever. If you are a lone parent as I am then you are doing most of it, but at least you know what you're doing.

Try the free meal planner here. The recipes on this site are great. Always go down well.

www.easypeasyfoodie.com

I think it might be worth taking 2 days + weekend giving you 4 days off to get on top of things. You could blitz the house & meal plan & grocery shop on the 2 days the kids are in school & still have a weekend to do something active/ fun with them.

I suggest looking up some simple recipes which allow you to cook 2 nights meals in one go. Adding in as many veg & nutritious ingredients as you can.

I work full time & do this. For instance chicken curry. I add onion, ginger, spices, red pepper & frozen peas. I make enough for double the amount of people. For dh & dc I do rice in the rice cooker, nice naan bread from supermarket & chutney.

For me I just have a small serving of the curry with the rice. This approach has helped me lose 10lbs so far & I'm feeling far better already.

I cook things like curry, casserole, ragu, chilli, pasta sauce etc. We eat the same dinner 2 night in a row. It means I cook on Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday.
We have different meals at the weekend & I always have nice pizza / pasta / noodles / eggs / beans etc in stock for the odd night noone fancies dinner the 2nd night. I just put it in the freezer for another time.

Most evenings I shove a load in the washing machine & tumble dry to keep on top of laundry.

Depending on age you could get the kids to help in the kitchen so even though you're sorting dinner you're also spending quality time not on screens together.

Aim to do 1 fun thing as a family each week. When dc were small we did a mix of free & paid things. A forest walk. A picnic even in cold weather (flask of hot drinks & a slice of cake). Soft play. Visit a castle. Swimming. Hot chocolate in a cafe. Drive to the beach. Visit a lake. Go to the park. Go to the playground. Cinema. Home movie & supper on knees night with popcorn. Bake a cake. Etc

One of you takes the kids out for a few hours while the other tackles a job in the house. Alternate this.

You can do it & life will feel more fun again once you feel in control.

Ok. Lots of helpful tips about eating so I'll just address your debt.

Can you first share what kind of debt this is (credit card, car loan, etc) and why you took it out?

Yeah, I have ADHD too and this post made me think of it. Especially “I’ve realised they all pretty much link in together for example on a weekend, house is a mess so spend a couple of hours inefficiently trying to get on top of things or doing important bits like washing uniforms, pretty much ignoring the kids in the process, then realise we’ve not got much in for tea (freezer is full but due to general overwhelm I can’t think to put something together) so nip to shops without much of a plan and end up spending £40 on credit card on a couple of teas plus a load of rubbish snacks for a dopamine hit.”

Evaluation might be worth it, OP.

Does your DP pull his weight? Because you both work, yet talk about all the key domestics, supporting DC with school, shopping and meals, cleaning, laundry, is all on you? Tbh you can meal plan, batch cook and declutter all you like, but it won't alter the fact you seem to be doing two jobs. So I'd start with looking at a reallocation of some responsibility here. Then when you've reduced your workload you can follow some of the tips to help with the bits that are still your responsibility.

I like this idea! I might apply it in my life!

Agree to look at ADHD as it's fairly common and also in women of our generation often missed earlier in life. You don't need to be hyperactive.

That said the waiting lists are ridiculous. What to do in the meantime?

Prioritise. Pick one or two options to focus on, ditch the guilt about the rest and give yourself permission just to maintain the bare minimum (or whatever you're doing now) because that is not your current priority.

If you can tackle one item, as you say, it will help make all the others easier. So try and start with one that's the most impactful or that you already have several ideas about dealing with or have a whole family discussion and everyone can vote or just pick at random - it doesn't matter.

Once you've picked something to focus on, get totally obsessed with it. Invest money into it. Try out all the apps, read books, listen to podcasts about it. Brainstorm ideas and try them out. Ask friends what works for them.

If you asked me to pick for you, I'd say debt or house. Those will likely have the biggest effect on your day to day life.

If you wanted to focus on debt, money saving expert is the best site ever. Go through his guide on debt, the money makeover, and the debt free wannabe forum board.

To sort out the house, the most effective approach I've found has been A Slob Comes Clean. Just totally amazing. I love her podcasts and books.

There is a good book called the happiness project by Gretchen Rubin where she decides to tackle one thing a month for a year. It's very inspiring even though it takes me much longer than a month to be able to switch my focus!

get your partner to look after the kids while you go through your bank statements. Work out how your over spending - what cut backs can be made. Free days out for you and the kids -try and have a low spend month and get some bills paid you will soon start feeling back in control. I get a charity bag once and month and look at clothes if you haven’t worn in the last year bag it get rid. Do a room at a time breaking things down into smaller tasks works. Anything you can sell? Write lists and it does help.