To say something to SIL and MIL about comments made 3 years ago

[Cookiecrumblepie]

About 3 years ago, I had my first baby abroad without family around, so my mum flew over and stayed with me for just 2 months to help. During this time my MIL came for 2 weeks and SIL popped in as she loved about 1.5 hours away.

Both MIL and SIL were very unpleasant about my mum staying at my home for an extended period. I didn’t say much at the time to preserve peace.

To this day it irritates me that they were mean when I was quite vulnerable. I have opportunity to speak to them directly coming up. Should I raise this with them and express my annoyance at their unkindness? Or should I just let it go and AIBU in raising this years later.

For context I haven’t seen them for years face to face as we live in different countries. (SIL used to live in the same country but moved).

Typo, my mum stayed for just over 2 months

Depends.

What exactly did they say?

Let it go

They showed you who they remember and let it go

@Bubbleohseven essentially that my mum shouldn’t be staying with me. It’s not right. Kind of telling me off for allowing her to stay.

I wouldn't. You're unlikely to get what you want from them and it'll make you feel worse. I don't think there's any benefit of raising something said 3 years ago unless there's a recent example of similar behaviour.

I wouldn't bother, just be clear and firm at the time if they make any further negative comments.

In that case, no. The time to say something was the time they said it.

You can't hold grudges for 3 years it's really unhealthy. Put it behind you and move on.

Nah, just nod and smile til they naff off back home for another three years.

It was years ago, you’ve barely seen them since, and it’s very unlikely that you’ll be put in anything like this situation again. If it does happens then by all means tell them then, but there’s really no point in causing arguments and drama over something someone said that you didn’t like, years ago

I should probably let it go, it’s just that they will want to host us and they will expect to stay over so it still bothers me. But certainly it would be better to leave it.

I am only considering saying something because I am a habitual people pleaser and trying to change

Yup, Ywould be being U to drag up a comment from 3 years ago.

REally unhealthy holding on to something like that.

If they ever mention it tell them when your mother stays with you is none of their business. But otherwise just leave it.

No I'd leave it unless mentioned to you

Honestly, just move on.

No. Hold it quietly against them - they’ve shown you the type of people they are and I think that’s always good to know.
My mother in law was horrible to me when my first and second children were born. She was thoroughly unpleasant. I didn’t really say anything at the time I decided for the sake of my DH I would let it go. But all these years later I do the bare minimum for her and she doesn’t have the close relationship with my kids that my parents have with them.
I am never nasty but I’m wary and I know she would like more of a relationship with me now.

I wouldn't say anything at this stage. Not unless they mention it again for some reason.
They are likely to be defensive and argue about it. I can't see how that will help you now.

Was your DH okay about your mother staying with you (assuming he was there too)?
Is it possible he found it difficult and they were on his side? Not that it would be their place to comment on the arrangements anyway though.

Wow that was really judgmental of them and rude to imply that you receiving support was wrong. What a pair of cows. They are probably jealous.
I personally prob wouldn’t mention it, but if the same comments came up again I would deffo say something like “I’m sorry you feel that way, I think having emotional and practical support allows me to be the best mum possible”.

im like this - I hold on to things and like you, a people pleaser. It’s so irritating isn’t it.

So much time has passed I really would not bother. You need to find a way to let it go...

Write a letter and burn it? Something like that

Next time you see them I'd be alert for any weirdness and challenge them on it if needed.

What good will come of saying something? I would only say something if you feel that it will help the situation to move forward in some way, don’t say something just for the sake of it. Consider where you want the relationship to be in year’s time (realistically, not in a dream world but based on how the relationship is now and what would be a realistic goal based on past history). Ifvoicing this grievance will help the relationship get to where you want it to be then yes, say something. If saying something is only going to cause issues which cause conflict and make the relationship worse than I wouldn’t say anything, having a fractured relationship with a bit of unspoken resentment may potentially be better than having a family rift.

@Darkofnight husband was fine with it, he gets on very well with my mum. I suspect it might have been jealousy and slight racism (as in how could my mum be more important than MIL, but I’ll never know). I think I’ll let it go and forgive.

I just thought given a face to face opportunity it might be worth having an honest conversation about how I feel so that a true relationship can be made (potentially).

It was absolutely none of their business who stays at your house, when and for how long.

Are they Nosey and judgemental as a rule?

You've got the measure of them now. Be prepared to stand up for yourself the next time they are unpleasant.

But I wouldn't dredge up the past of three years ago.

@BlastedPimples Yes especially MIL. Very negative, criticises, hardly ever a kind word. I tried to think of a single moment where we’d shared a laugh or had a happy time over the past ten out so years and I can only think of one short moment. It’s quite sad really

Definitely don't raise it. It was years ago and it sounds like you're very low contact with them. Thank your lucky stars for that and just smile and nod on the rare occasions you see them