To say something to SIL and MIL about comments made 3 years ago

[Cookiecrumblepie]

About 3 years ago, I had my first baby abroad without family around, so my mum flew over and stayed with me for just 2 months to help. During this time my MIL came for 2 weeks and SIL popped in as she loved about 1.5 hours away.

Both MIL and SIL were very unpleasant about my mum staying at my home for an extended period. I didn’t say much at the time to preserve peace.

To this day it irritates me that they were mean when I was quite vulnerable. I have opportunity to speak to them directly coming up. Should I raise this with them and express my annoyance at their unkindness? Or should I just let it go and AIBU in raising this years later.

For context I haven’t seen them for years face to face as we live in different countries. (SIL used to live in the same country but moved).

You don’t give your knowledge away to people who wouldn’t be able to listen. Has this time of inappropriate domineering behaviour been a once off or a pattern. If it is a pattern keep it yourself and use it yourself to inform your future connection in the relationship. If it is a once off thing accept that everyone behaves like an arsehole sometimes and let it go. Our patterns of behaviour is essentially our written scripts that we default to unless we learn different scripts

You need to learn to categorise relationships to ones that serve you and ones that don’t. Don’t invest time and emotional energy into relationships that don’t serve you. Expect the behaviour you have ready experienced because people behave in patterns and step right back.

@Beyondbeyondbeyond thank you that is really useful. Definitely a long pattern of this behaviour, only tempered by the fact that they don’t want to lose contact with their son/brother

This is so profound that I have screenshotted it for my own use.I hope you dont mind.
Its something that I need to follow and remind myself.

No you’d be giving it oxygen and setting them off again. I expect they’d make themselves the victims, you’ll end up even more frustrated and it’d damage the relationship even further.

Round one to them. You’re going into round two less vulnerable and wiser. Perhaps have a few stock phrases up your sleeve to rebuff any attempted insults. I find clapping my hands together and saying ‘right children, I think on that note it’s time for lunch/time to go home’ works well. It says so much without saying anything at all.

I’d save a few comments for if they happen to mention it. Nothing direct, maybe just make a point of happily remembering that time out loud and confidently stating how grateful you are to your mum for her support, etc. and that you’d never change it.

Absolutely what this poster says. Put your boundaries up nice and high and don't let them hurt you again, they have shown who they are.

I'd go so far as to say you should plan an option B so that if they are horrible you can stay with a friend or in a hotel with your kids and not engage - find an excuse - tummy bug etc.

Tough one. Could you say something like ‘you can stay for 2 days but please don’t make any comments about my mum or any of my family staying with us’.

3 years ago, let it go! I can't believe you are still stewing over this.

If you couldn't say anything then, it's pointless saying anything now as peoples memories will conveniently be remembered differently and things turned into a joke or even that they don't recall it at all.

Then you'll end up looking like a lemon.

You know they were unkind but bringing it up three years later serves no purpose as the kind of people that are unkind are hardly going to fall at your feet sobbing "Forgive meeee!"

Let it go, this time. But if they say anything untoward moving forward you call them out straight away

My mother in law did something in September that really hurt me. I still find it difficult to be in her company. I can't bring it up as it would be my word against hers and I know sh3 would deny it or say I'd misinterpreted things. But I know what she did.

Over the months since, I've realised that she behaved like that because of a huge issue she has with herself which has made her so selfish. I also now clearly see where I stand. She doesn't care about me in the way I thought she did.

Good to know.

I'll be pleasant and civil, but I will make future decisions based on this fuller picture of her character. Knowledge is power.

No. It’s not healthy to hold onto a passing remark made 3 years ago. Your MIL will almost certainly have forgotten it and you will achieve nothing by bringing it up. She’s not going to suddenly think “oh yes, I did say that, because I’m a snidey bitch and wanted to make cookie feel stupid. How awful of me. I’ll change instantly”. She’s more likely to think you’ve made it up to have a go at her, or maybe she said something that you’ve taken the wrong way and she’ll feel justified in having you down as over sensitive, or she’ll think, yeah, cookies mum staying for 2 months was super weird.
The time to say something has gone, three years ago. Next time she says something you don’t like then stand up for yourself at the time. Or don’t but let it go straight away. You can’t hold onto shit like this. You’ll be knackered.

You don’t overcome people pleasing by taking things up from the past to confront.

@Wadermellone I think it can be helpful to confront a bully etc later on. Even if just to tackle your fears and face something

Nah, just avoid them as much as possible for life. Lucky you living in a different country to them 😀.

MIL & SIL will just gang up on you.

This situation has lived in your head rent free for 3 years! That is crazy

And it only impacted you and not them.

You can’t change other people only your reaction to them.

If you are feeling brave these days tackle her nasty comments head on when she comes

Definitely don't say anything. They have forgotten about it and at the end of the day she's always going to be your husband's mother. Least said soonest mended.