Frustrated by double standards

[Fakirek]

Need to vent because I'm seriously frustrated with my husband. He earns twice as much as I do, yet we've always split bills 50/50. Lately, he's been flaunting this "breadwinner" label, completely ignoring the fact that my contribution, though smaller in income, is significant and equal when it comes to expenses.

To add to the frustration, I'm the one doing the heavy lifting at home – cleaning, hoovering, handling groceries, and managing everything around the house. He can't even remember when the bin goes out without my reminder, and I have to tell/text him if I am not around.

Am I justified in feeling hurt and seriously down that he doesn't see me as an equal contributor? How do you handle situations where your efforts are undervalued, despite contributing equally financially and putting in extra work around the house?

In need of advice and maybe a reality check. Thanks for listening.

Split them in proportion to earnings then, we do about 70/30

Bill him for your time for x number of years

When he states again about being the breadwinner just tell him, ok we will now split the bills proportionally , that’s 70% you, 30% me so I will be reducing my contribution to xx.

in addition chores will be split 50/50 now, ( assuming you both work the same amount of hours) so this is your list, ( and include his own washing etc, )and just leave him to it

If he says he’s the breadwinner let him actually be one, why haven’t you just brought this up with him that he’s not actually the breadwinner unless he splits all the rest of his earnings with you, does he?

What does he do with the extra salary he brings in?

Do you work the same number of hours? Similar stress jobs?

Ask him if he wants to split everything equally as you have been doing meaning that he takes on 50% of household stuff or be the ‘breadwinner’ meaning he pays and you do the house but he can’t have it both ways.

And if he’s going to ‘forget’ do do half the house stuff then you can ‘forget’ to contribute financially.

He’s taking the piss and you’re letting him. Put on your big girl pants OP and tell him what you deserve and are demanding. You’ve got this! ❤️

Why on earth are you contributing equally if he earns twice as much as you? You are husband and wife, not housemates! What’s he spending all his spare cash on?

Personally I think once you’re married you should treat all money as shared, but if that doesn’t work for you, at least pay proportionally to your salaries. So for example if he earns £40k and you earn £20k, that means his salary represents 66% of the household income and yours is 33%. Therefore he should pay 66% of all expenses and you should pay 33% of them.

He is only.the bread winner if he shares the bread, at the moment he is.a lazy greedy man mooching off his lower paid spouse.

You're being taken for a mug.

Do you work full or part time? You should at least be splitting the bills proportional to your income.

If you're part time I'd expect you to be doing more chores, but if full time more equal.

I work P/t and my DH pays a much bigger share of the expenses because he's the higher earner by a long way. He still does some chores at home.

If you have the time try reading Fair Play by Eve Rodsky, it really helped me to articulate what I felt was going wrong in my own home.

He has a stressful, quite niche job and I know that with my education and background, I will never earn nowhere near as much as he does. I don't mind doing more chores around the house and I understand that he is tirerd/stressed after work. He does help when I asked him (hoovers, cleans the bathroom etc. but it's hardly his initiative).

Because of the stressful job he has, he wants to earn as much as he can now so he (we) can retire early. Most of his disposable income is invested. I do the same even I'm on a smaller salary so don't spend money on silly expensive things (but we do treat ourselves to nice holidays, so we are not scrimping either).

I felt deeply hurt when he referred to himself as the breadwinner, despite not being one. When I confronted him about it, he claimed it wasn't what he meant. I find it frustrating that he likely understands the term and is just using a weak EXCUSE. English is his mother tongue for God's sake and it's my second language!! It seems he believes he's superior due to his higher income, despite my full-time job and contributions to household responsibilities being rather undervalued.

why the fuck are you paying 50% AND doing all the chores AND being put down as the 'non breadwinner'. Stop putting up with this crap.

Well, quite.

Presumably you work full time and work hard too?

Start doing 50% of the stuff in the house and see what happens.

That's interesting. I'll look it up, thanks for the recommendation 😉

I like to have a clean house (I'm not OCD mind) and find it difficult to relax when there are bits on the floor or dishes not put away etc. So I try to be on top of things and if I were to stop cleaning things regularly, then it's going to be a much bigger job at the weekends... This is not a solution for me. All I want is a bit of appreciation and him seeing the effort I put in on a daily basis.

Pisses me off this no end. Men are happy to gloat that they the “breadwinner” thanks largely to the gender inequality but not happy to pull their weight at home or in their relationship. Communicate you are not happy with this unfair arrangement if he’s so proud of being the “breadwinner “ he should put his money where his mouth is & pay his way fairly! Just speak to him!!

When you say "flaunting' it, in what way? As in bragging to others, or just to you, or both? It sounds like he's quite insecure. If he says it again just laugh and say 'you need a dictionary love if you think your a breadwinner/ Oh, that's why I have to pay x % of my wages and I still have to do all the housework?'
What an arse. Tell him he needs to pay for a cleaner out of his own wages to help you as he does f all in the home. If he refuses that then you will know he's a tight fucker and will never pay a fair %.

Next time he says he's the bread winner I'd ask him how he thinks this as you contribute 50% which means you are equal. If he wants to be the breadwinner then let him

He's not winning any more bread than you at this rate is he. You're both paying for equal amounts of bread.

As absolutely everyone here has said you need to split costs relative to income. It's very simple. If he can't comprehend that then you can divorce him and take half of all the money he's squirreled away. Perhaps that will focus his mind.

He’s not the breadwinner if you are splitting costs 50/50. Even if he was contributing more, why would he feel the need to comment about it? He sounds like a bit of a knob.

You still take the time out of your day for work, even if the wages are different.

He is taking the piss and disrespecting you.

Stop doing things for him, just for yourself.

The comments are all well and good while the genders are as they are described... but I bet people would change their tune with the opposite situation.

I'm a man, and my wife earns 2-3 times what I do. We each put the same amount into the joint account. I figure that she has earned that money, and as long as we put enough into the joint account to maintain our family, the rest is hers.

Maybe I should start asking her to pay 75%... 🤔

Does he say this to other people? If so call him out publically every single time. Point out that not only do you pay 50% of everything on a much smaller wage, but you also do the vast majority of stuff in the house too.

It won't take long for him to stop...