Frustrated by double standards

[Fakirek]

Need to vent because I'm seriously frustrated with my husband. He earns twice as much as I do, yet we've always split bills 50/50. Lately, he's been flaunting this "breadwinner" label, completely ignoring the fact that my contribution, though smaller in income, is significant and equal when it comes to expenses.

To add to the frustration, I'm the one doing the heavy lifting at home – cleaning, hoovering, handling groceries, and managing everything around the house. He can't even remember when the bin goes out without my reminder, and I have to tell/text him if I am not around.

Am I justified in feeling hurt and seriously down that he doesn't see me as an equal contributor? How do you handle situations where your efforts are undervalued, despite contributing equally financially and putting in extra work around the house?

In need of advice and maybe a reality check. Thanks for listening.

What you’re saying isn’t the ops situation though. People are saying to pay proportionally because her husband is bragging about being the breadwinner and she is doing all the chores. Is that also your situation? Does your wife belittle you and you do all the chores? Because if so you need to do more than ask her to pay more towards the bills. Like the op does.

You should! I earn 80% of our household income, so I contribute 80% to our joint account for expenses. DH works as hard as I do, he just doesn't earn as much

It's got nothing to do with which sex earns more, it's about being a partnership and not expecting one partner to be spending all their wages on expenses while the other has plenty left over

Yes you should and makes not a bit of difference in the relationship who is earning more or less. Especially when married. To me, marriage is a partnership - we achieve what we do together. I would find it a pretty miserable relationship if one of us had a lot more of anything than the other.

Salary is not only equated to hard work. Nurses work hard. They earn a fraction of a city / corporate salary.

Especially once dc are involved, often one person earning less is because of childcare in one way or another. But the dc are a joint endeavour. Completely shared is best imo. Proportional the next best way.

Either he's the main man breadwinner guy and pays 90% of bills and works all hours so only does 10% of chores .... or not. And it's not, is it. He's paying 50% of bills and still only does fuck all about the house.

No, this isn’t the case for everyone. I contribute more because I earn more and I’m the female in our relationship.

Why do men sign up to mumsnet just to make shit up to feel aggrieved about?

Assuming you both contribute equally in non-financial resources (ie you both pull your weight with housework, childcare, etc) then yes of course she should pay proportionate to her salary, or you should combine your finances.

I assure you, I'm not making this up. You can search other posts where I've said similar.

Truth be told, I like my arrangement as it is. I don't want money I haven't earned, and my wife works her arse off! I actually don't get those households that don't do this... I know a couple where one of the guys (gay couple) earns four times what his husband is earning... and the lower earner is basically on a shopping spree every day. If one speaks up, you'll essentially end up in giving in (and resentment), or 'pocket money'... which could be seen as controlling...

Apologies to OP, my post 'gathered moss'

Why don't you just put all your earnings into a joint account, and pay out all the bills from this account?

I never understand why married couples keep their finances separate.

I agree with you. My oh was earning 110k and I was earning 25k both full-time. I paid 20% of bills. He still had several thousand more than me a month. Now he is on 80k as was made redundant and I'm on 50k but only working pt and earning about 10k from side hustle we pay 70/30. I think I should be paying a bit more but we are ok with this split I certainly don't feel i am entitled to any of his money although he is generous with holidays and takeaways etc.

Why haven't you sat down with him and discussed splitting things proportionally? The breadwinner talk is non-sense given you're being taken for a ride. Having a nice holiday every now and then doesn't make this set up acceptable. Do you have a joint account for anything? Do you even know where all his money goes? This situation would give me so much anxiety.

“I think it only counts as being the breadwinner if you actually contribute more than 50% into the pot, darling.”

Good for you that you like your situation as it is, but it’s perfectly acceptable for OP to not be OK with her husband’s arsehole behaviour. Why bother commenting just to shit stir? Yes I’m sure you can find some dated sexist views on this site but they are vastly outnumbered by comments advocating for equality - shared financial contribution, shared parenting, shared household chores, etc.

My DH has a stressful, quite niche job and earns 4 times what I do. We’ve had completely joint finances since we married. We have an agreed plan for our pension contributions.