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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if they are friends at all

35 replies

Serpentiner · 19/01/2024 22:18

I have a group of 5 friends from school and uni who have been very close over the years and are still in touch. We regards ourselves (or I think we do) as close friends and go away together once a year and although we live a a distance away from each other (in some case other countries) try and meet up as much as circumstances allow. I am the organiser but it has struck me that my calls can often go unanswered and nothing happens without my organisation. Some of us are godmothers to each others children so there is a bond but I don’t feel that I can call for a chat or catch up - it’s just not welcome and I’m talking about a phone call every couple of months.

Im starting to feel like I mean so little to them and to be honest I’m actually quite upset.

AIBU to think that maybe it’s time to just take a step back and see who comes makes any contact with me? I’m
not one of life’s flouncers but I really am just hurt

OP posts:
Urcheon · 19/01/2024 22:27

Surely it comes down to whether you value these friendships and want these people in your life?

Original poster
Serpentiner · 19/01/2024 22:30

I do urcheon but I think the question is do they value me and if I’m the one doing all the running and calls often aren’t answered, has the relationship become just one way

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 19/01/2024 22:34

I think distance and different lives make phone contact difficult. There is just no time that is universally convey. I temember hours on the phone with friends before children. Now after children, or even now that the children are grown and Im working off hours and have eldercare responsibilities, I just can’t always answer the phone and chat. If one of my friends organized a meet up Id leap at the chance. Then having shed my responsibilities I would evaluate the friendship by the intensity of the event not the frequency of contact.

sharptoothlemonshark · 19/01/2024 22:34

can you whats app instead? I don't have any time or space in my life for calls for catch ups! but am in contact with many friends through what's app, which is non intrusive, and can include pictures and video snippets (SHORT! please) and links to news stories, etc.

YOu could even put together a whats app group for the whole group of you maybe?

easilydistracted1 · 19/01/2024 22:35

I've lost friends because I'm crap at returning messages and calls. It's so sad. I have bad organisational skills for lots of reasons both life experiences and biology. I greatly appreciate organisers who persist with me. Unfortunately you've ended up in the role of organiser so you might need to let people know if there's a new system. It's not particularly fair but just to provide the perspective that it may not be what you think

Yuckyyuckyuckity · 19/01/2024 22:36

But are they like that with each other as well or just you? I have a friendship group with a similar dynamic, some of us message/call more than others but in general we rarely call each other and can often go weeks without messaging. But then randomly there'll be an evening where we WhatsApp like crazy in a group and it's like no time has passed. It's nothing personal, it's just how we operate especially since we now all have small children and family life just takes over.

And there's always one person in the group that ends up being the organiser, usually the most, well, organised, proactive one. In our group there's a running joke that nothing ever happens unless 'X' does it and she usually does, it's not because we don't value her it's because tbh we've all become a bit complacent/lazy with organising and she loves doing it.

Pipersouth · 19/01/2024 22:36

If you don’t feel comfortable giving them a text or call once every couple of months I think you are now their travel broker and access to the group fun. Sadly not as close as you were but that does happen and maybe they’ve got used to taking you for granted?

Urcheon · 19/01/2024 22:38

Serpentiner · 19/01/2024 22:30

I do urcheon but I think the question is do they value me and if I’m the one doing all the running and calls often aren’t answered, has the relationship become just one way

Well, it depends on whether you’re finding the friendships more nourishing than they are frustrating, I suppose? I’m very unlikely to be the one to instigate contact in the majority of my friendships, but it doesn’t mean I don’t value them. I’m also not great at phone calls. I haven’t spoken to my best friend on the phone in about eight months.

sharptoothlemonshark · 19/01/2024 22:38

I have several life long friends, with whom the friendships have not always been balanced. 10 years one person does all the work, then 10 years another way, then 10 years the first person again... after about 50 years I can look back and see overall we have both but a lot of effort into keeping the connection going at different times.

But as I have said, and previous posters have said, phone calls are very inconvenient and intrusive, and just not how we have done it

RatatouillePie · 19/01/2024 22:39

No contact doesn't mean out of mind.

I graduated 20 years ago and am lousy at keeping in touch with my uni friends but when we do get together we have a fab time. I really appreciate the friend that organises the get together.

Wictc · 19/01/2024 22:42

We never call!! Unless something is very wrong. Usually WhatsApp as a group, we arrange a date via the meeting app on there and then catch up in person, usually try and do once a quarter. We all love each other to pieces. Two are very organised and arrange, one asks to meet up and never arranges, the others just do as best they can. It’s just who we are, and we don’t berate each other for it, we all just have a jolly good time when we do meet up!!

user1492757084 · 19/01/2024 22:43

They are possibly just busy. Literally unable to stop and chat often at random times.

Would you be better off messaging that you'd like to catch up with a phone call and asking what time in the next couple of days suits? Or text that you'd love to hear their voice and can they please phone this week when they are free.

Original poster
Serpentiner · 19/01/2024 22:43

We do have a WhatsApp group, again I’m the most active but I take the points on phone calls - maybe they just aren’t the thing now.

I think I value female friendship maybe more than some, because I don’t have sisters and this means that I am maybe wanting more than they can offer.

OP posts:
GintyMcGinty · 19/01/2024 22:45

I loathe chatting on the phone. (Although enjoyed it when younger)

Happy to WhatsApp and love to meet up. But talk in the phone 😳

Maybe your friends are like me.

Wictc · 19/01/2024 22:45

Serpentiner · 19/01/2024 22:43

We do have a WhatsApp group, again I’m the most active but I take the points on phone calls - maybe they just aren’t the thing now.

I think I value female friendship maybe more than some, because I don’t have sisters and this means that I am maybe wanting more than they can offer.

Seems to be the opposite in our group, the ones who are more active have sisters.

blackpanth · 19/01/2024 22:47

Take a step back. It has to go both ways. Both sides have to put the effort in x

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 19/01/2024 22:50

GintyMcGinty · 19/01/2024 22:45

I loathe chatting on the phone. (Although enjoyed it when younger)

Happy to WhatsApp and love to meet up. But talk in the phone 😳

Maybe your friends are like me.

I'm like you - when l am on the phone all l think is how quickly can l get off?!

Urcheon · 19/01/2024 22:52

Serpentiner · 19/01/2024 22:43

We do have a WhatsApp group, again I’m the most active but I take the points on phone calls - maybe they just aren’t the thing now.

I think I value female friendship maybe more than some, because I don’t have sisters and this means that I am maybe wanting more than they can offer.

I have sisters, but we’re not close, and tbh, I’m generally deeply suspicious of those who chirp that they’re best friends with their siblings.

Do you have other friends, OP? Is it simply that you’re perhaps overly dependent on this group, whereas the other members also have other friendship groups? What about diversifying and making some new friends, maybe closer to hand, without stepping away from these friends?

SkaneTos · 19/01/2024 23:11

In most groups of friends there is one person that is more often the organizer than the others. It would be nice if someone else could step up, but it might be worth it for you to keep doing it! But only you can know if it's worth it to you.
Are you all having fun when you meet up? Do you want these people in your life?

In some of my groups I'm happy to be the one organizing things, just to make things happen!

I hope it will all work out for you.

Original poster
Serpentiner · 20/01/2024 08:18

@Urcheon I am making an effort with other friends and it’s great so it’s not that I’m lonely.

@SkaneTos we do have fun when we meet up, it’s like we saw each other yesterday and yes I’m the organiser all the time

OP posts:
Anxhor · 20/01/2024 09:14

Once you have children your life focuses on what's immediate

When you're younger your friends are you family because you spend so much time in each others lives

It just becomes less intense over the years

wizzywig · 20/01/2024 09:16

Are you keeping this going as you like the concept of having lifelong friends?

Anxhor · 20/01/2024 10:24

Some people just are the organisers because they're better at it because they want to do stuff

I was always rubbish at organising but was always happy to host at my home a lot or out for club nights but anything else other friends were better at

A lot of my friends are doers so are always calling everyone to organise stuff

I'm lazy AF because I get really tired with work so I have no FOMO

Copen · 20/01/2024 11:09

I agree phone calls aren't as popular now, I don't catch up with anyone on the phone, but message a fair bit and meet in person when possible.

I'd take a step back from the organising this year - say you have a lot on and would appreciate someone else doing it. If the friendship group has had its day and it's only hanging together because of you, it's probably time to let it go.

bessytedsy · 20/01/2024 11:11

isn’t it just friendship dynamics/roles eg one is the organiser, one is the crazy one, another is the listener etc