To wonder if they are friends at all

[Serpentiner]

I have a group of 5 friends from school and uni who have been very close over the years and are still in touch. We regards ourselves (or I think we do) as close friends and go away together once a year and although we live a a distance away from each other (in some case other countries) try and meet up as much as circumstances allow. I am the organiser but it has struck me that my calls can often go unanswered and nothing happens without my organisation. Some of us are godmothers to each others children so there is a bond but I don’t feel that I can call for a chat or catch up - it’s just not welcome and I’m talking about a phone call every couple of months.

Im starting to feel like I mean so little to them and to be honest I’m actually quite upset.

AIBU to think that maybe it’s time to just take a step back and see who comes makes any contact with me? I’m
not one of life’s flouncers but I really am just hurt

Partly yes and also that I haven’t been brilliant at making lots of new friends over the years .

we also have a great time when we do meet up

I have a very similar group and tbh if one of them rings me I think it’s an emergency.

We communicate on our group several times a week though, and meet up about three or four times a year as well as for annual holiday.

Are you 'the organiser'? It's a lot of work - not sure why one person is delegated all the work and the rest just get to be themselves as their contribution.

I am often the organiser and get totally fed up with it, even though I am very good at it. I'm a PA so it's a complete busman's holiday. It suits everyone else to think (and say) 'Oh Copen is so good at arranging everything' and sit back like I'm some kind of travel agent. I purposely don't do it on occasion as I don't think it's a good dynamic.

Yes @Copen i am and I agree it’s not a great dynamic to do everything. I am tired of organising and wondering if I stopped would anyone even bother contact me, does it mean enough to them

I have a similar group of friends and we our group was starting to go the same way.
We had an open and frank discussion where we all said that we valued the friendship but day to day life often got in the way of us talking or meeting up as much as we liked. Basically we needed to work out a way to keep our friendship going with our changed lifestyles.

So we agreed to schedule in a regular weekend meetup once a year. We split the organising as we are mindful that it's not fair to leave it all to one person.

We also scheduled a monthly Zoom call - some months everyone comes and some months it's no one, but that's ok too.

We can of course talk or meet up outside of these but having these always in the diary means that we have regular touch points.

@Copen i have been & normally was the holiday sorter.

but all my friendships have whatsapp groups where we regularly communicate although there can be long breaks etc.

There are natural roles people take on.

Your role as organiser is probably highly valued by those who don't push themselves forward to do any organising.

Some people are fearful of suggesting a meetup in case they'd face a rejection.

So those people might be classed by you as the 'not bothered' because they are more the I'll wait til I'm asked but I won't do the asking.

Friendships mean different things to different people. We all accept that but can't resist the urge to rate and compare. We conclude that we mean X to so.eone because if you really cared you would/wouldn't do A, B or C....but just like romantic relationships we have different love languages.
I'm not one for hosting. If its an essential part of our relationship that I host I'm not the friend for you. I am howrver the one who might come over at midnight coz you're in a state. If won't come to your kids birthday party or sponsor you to wear your pyjamas to work but I might pick you up from the airport or help you move house. I'm happy to meet up but l find WhatsApp groups and organising these things extremely stressful. OK it might be that these friends aren't actually that bothered about you but it's more likely they each bring something else to the table

I think there's definitely a generational avoidance of phone calls and I must admit I am part of it. If someone called me without warning for a proper chat there's a good chance I'd be working, making dinner, dealing with the kids or something. However if you arranged a time to speak there's a much better chance of it happening.

In terms of you making the effort there are people like this in most groups. It's up to you if you want to carry on organising them if they don't make an effort but then that may be the end of it. If they are coming out to meets up you arrange then there must be some interest.