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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so devastated by tragedies involving children

82 replies

StolenCookie · 19/01/2024 21:57

I’m feeling really devastated and broken by the recent story of the poor little boy in the news. I burst into tears when I read the headline, and can’t stop imagining his last days, his confusion, how he was found cuddling his dad’s leg. I have tears in my eyes writing this!

Does anyone else struggle in the same way? I was doing some child safeguarding training the other day and the story of Baby P came up and I couldn’t stop myself from reading more about the details and feeling so disturbed that these things happen to babies and children. I even researched where his grave is to see if it would be possible for me to visit it (I’m not going to! It was just an impulse).

I’m a normal, functioning person in real life, I promise! I work with vulnerable children and have a 17 month old boy. I think having my own baby has made this all worse for me but when I read about these dreadful events I find it hard not to fall apart knowing some children are just born to suffer.

I’ve been in therapy for years so sadly that won’t make a difference to me. I would really just like to know if anyone else gets as deeply affected as I do? I feel so so sad.

OP posts:
ADoggyDogWorld · 20/01/2024 11:18

I would recommend setting your devices to non autoplay so that videos don't play as you scroll. It is a really simple thing to help you choose whether to watch awful things.

Original poster
StolenCookie · 20/01/2024 12:36

Darkdiamond · 20/01/2024 10:57

I don't get affected like this. Any death is sad, regardless of how old the deceased is.

There is something about a child, so young and trusting, with so much potential ahead of them, so dependent on their caregivers and so lacking in maturity that makes cases with children particularly heartbreaking. By nature, children are more easily frightened and haven't developed any kind of resilience to make sense of a terrible situation. The cases that are the most heartbreaking are those where the death was preceeded by a period of abuse, in which the child was helpless due to the very nature of their young years. The ultimate power imbalance.

Little children are scared of loud noises that we, as adults, know are caused by the bin lorry, or strange shapes on the wall which we know are just caused by odd shadows. The abuse and murder of a child is driven by an evil which relies on the vulnerability of a child. We are hardwired to want to protect these little ones, or should be. Their maltreatment leaves a sense of horror that reflects the hellish experience, and ultimate demise, of those young children. It just gets me in a different way to anything else.

Other things do get me, by the way, but the thought of anything happening to children leaves me disgusted and distraught on another level.

Thanks for this, it captures exactly how I feel. The abuse and murder of adults is horrific of course, but the emotional and physical abuse of a child is something different entirely. They are completely reliant and helpless. They can’t resolve to make a plan to escape. They can’t hide money and make a run for it. They can’t problem solve. There are no options open to them at all if the adults around them decide their fate. I think having my own baby drives home how it’s just a roll of the dice of which family you’re born into, and some babies just don’t stand a chance. It sounds like Bronson at least experienced some love and happiness in his short life, but others are born only to suffer, and the thought of that makes me so angry and saddened with the world.

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 20/01/2024 13:13

@Bitterbum, I don't know what failings. The investigation will take time. But I suspect there are some. By all agencies. Police called 3 times. Neighbour reported it to nspcc. Father previously begged SS for help. He was supposed to be under a weekly check. I don't know the last time a sw'er actually saw him. But sw'er last contact was Dec 27th. Was that a phone call? Then sw'er couldn't get access, despite trying twice on 2nd and 4th, I think, until 9th Jan. They can't just gain access, but no next step? Chasing police again, or magistrates, to gain entry? That's 13 days. The weekly check didn't occur, because that's nearly 2 weeks.

Boomboom22 · 21/01/2024 22:18

Oblomov23 · 20/01/2024 13:13

@Bitterbum, I don't know what failings. The investigation will take time. But I suspect there are some. By all agencies. Police called 3 times. Neighbour reported it to nspcc. Father previously begged SS for help. He was supposed to be under a weekly check. I don't know the last time a sw'er actually saw him. But sw'er last contact was Dec 27th. Was that a phone call? Then sw'er couldn't get access, despite trying twice on 2nd and 4th, I think, until 9th Jan. They can't just gain access, but no next step? Chasing police again, or magistrates, to gain entry? That's 13 days. The weekly check didn't occur, because that's nearly 2 weeks.

The social.worker clearly went above and beyond. 27th to 2nd is 6 days. The police are not meant to do a welfare check for 1 missed appt. She did push for it as it was unusual for him but technically I believe services didn't do wrong this time. The mother on the other hand, where was she?

TheTimeIsNowMaybeNow · 21/01/2024 22:22

I work for Crown Court and read awful stuff every day, I try not to dwell on it all

MorrisZapp · 21/01/2024 22:36

I went down a rabbit hole a few years ago about historical abuse of little boys in institutions. It was started by something that came up at work, but then I couldn't stop reading about it, researching etc, even though it was traumatic. Like a pp, I felt I had to bear witness and couldn't turn away. It affected my mental health and I had to force myself to stop reading. In weak moments I would go back to it, only to regret it every time.

I can cope better with it now, I seem to have processed it somehow. It has absolutely no personal connection to me whatsoever so it isn't my story and it isn't my pain. But somehow I let it in until it consumed me. Be careful.

lamenao · 21/01/2024 22:46

I went through a stage a while back when I read a lot of misery lit and I did get a bit affected by it all. But to be honest I know there was controversy about some of those stories (doubts about their veracity) and I think I became a bit numb to it all. Now I read stories in the news and I am not even surprised at the stuff that happens, there seems to be a new tragedy every day and I don't have the energy to get emotionally affected by it any more.

I've also had family members who have been hounded a bit by social services on spurious grounds, and I sensed they only spent so much time on them as it was an easy case since my relative was fearful and quite compliant - something that always comes to mind when I read about social workers having unmanageable caseloads.

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