Affair

[Mummydearest91]

AIBU to hate my ex

when I was 15/16 I met a man online he provided me an escape from an abusive home where I suffered sexual assault etc the reason I mention that is because I want to give insight to my state of mind anyway during our affair I knew he was married he told me he hadn’t slept with his wife in 16 years and that they are essentially good friends he had two kids the same age as me. A few sessions into our affair he told me he loved me that we were making love I said no didn’t think so but over time I considered maybe he did love me so we went on as a couple I got pregnant he wanted an abortion said it was wrong to bring a child into this I agreed and probably would have done anything he said because he was my world I had no family or friends it was just us. In the end he decided I should keep the baby as it would save our ‘relationship’ so I agreed 6 months in he changed his mind but I said I couldn’t have an abortion now because I felt it was too late at this stage I was very excited for the fairytale I thought I was getting we argued and he said he would have nothing to do with me and give me 3k a month for cost. I was very upset actually distraught I offered to adopt the baby he refused to agree said it was cruel to have a baby then give it up in the end we made up and he apologised so we had the baby. I got a huge dose of reality and adulthood at 19 suddenly with a baby I started to worry I put pressure on him to commit to being with us all the time and financially we argued all the time he even grabbed me by the throat and slammed me into the wall after I hid his passport and made him call his wife I was a mess I had this baby I didn’t want it wasn’t a fairytale I wanted to adopt her but he wouldn’t allow it I was really ill mentally and I told him I didn’t feel safe with the baby many number of times. I was also high functioning doing everything for her breastfeeding cleaning baby clubs meeting all the red book stuff etc anyway 18 months in he told his wife the truth text me on the day I was expecting him over that he wasn’t coming that he’d told his wife and needed to deal with things I behaved badly I lost it I needed him to come and help I was relying on that break help never came and many years later we have a financial agreement and a chain of some inappropriate emails here and there. So aibu to think he groomed me as a teenager ?

The only reason i'd say no is at the age of 16 I was obsessed with a man who in my mind I was totally in love with and I'd never say it was grooming because I was obsessed with him and wanted to be with him all the time. I knew what I was doing at 16.

However, was he morally right, no definitely not!

I found your post impossible to read without any punctuation but from the first few lines he has clearly groomed you.

He was around 40 going by the info in the OP's post. I suppose it's easier to blame the adolescent victim rather than the fully adult man who groomed her.

51… 🙃🙂

Perhaps you’re right maybe I did I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ 16 is the legal age for consent. However looking at my child I don’t know if I agree and she just a normal happy kid. When I take into account that he knew I was an abused child from a dysfunctional background it’s less likely to think he didn’t groom me.

People say at 16 you know what you're doing. LOL

But at 15 you don't?

He was 51, she was 16 - yes, he groomed you, abused you, manipulated you. He's a total prick.

I was also technically 15 years old turning 16 that year. A lawyer has told me I should press charges which is partly why I have posted. Thinking of protecting other girls from my background. It would be a big case though a likely in the news.

Please tell me you don't have kids

You were 16 and vulnerable given your abusive background. He had kids the same age as you. Just because it may be (just) legal on paper doesn't mean you were mature enough to deal with this. Yes he groomed you in my opinion

100% groomed.

You were a vulnerable child. He was an adult.

I do feel he’s a total prick. Thank you. 😢

He certainly took advantage. I think grooming is a legal term so I wouldn’t want to say based on the evidence.

Unless you have difficulty with reading, in which case I apologise, the post is perfectly readable.

Given the subject matter your response is extremely unpleasant. Sometimes it is best to say nothing.

He's a paedophile and you were groomed.

He absolutely took advantage of a very vulnerable child.

You were in an abusive family with very little or no support. You were significantly younger, less knowledgeable and with less financial means. You were a child and already dealing with far more than any child should have to do.

His behaviour what entirely inappropriate and you were clearly in a position where he had power and control and you could be manipulated and taken advantage of.

I'm so sorry you were abused by both him and prior to that. I hope you know none of this way your fault.

My only question is where is your child now and what understanding have they of the situation and how do you think proceeding will impact them?

I do think you were groomed.

He had no intention of leaving his wife, he just treated you as a play thing.

I do not think I would report him though.
You were 19 when you had your baby and unless you have physical proof of a sexual relationship at 15 then it’s going to be very hard to prove it.

You would basically be having to argue your case and be accused of lying etc, which I wouldn’t take lightly.

You also have a child with this man and you have to think about the implications of pressing charges against him, which will also affect your child.

Why do you have a lawyer?

I’m sorry this happened to you.

How old are you now?

Why do you think it would be a big case and likely in the news? The facts as you describe them suggest that he absolutely did groom and abuse you, but prosecutions of that nature are not typically big news stories unless there's a wider context. Do you mean that this man has already been charged with grooming other girls? Or is he someone well-known locally?

You as the victim cannot 'press charges' in the UK. You can report what happened to the police, and then they will go through the evidence with the Crown Prosecution Service, and the Crown Prosecution Service will decide whether the man can be charged with anything or not.

When you say 'a lawyer' has advised you, do you mean that you went to a solicitor for advice about this? Was the 'financial arrangement' drawn up via a solicitor?

How old are you now?

She was actually 15, was already a victim of sexual abuse at home, and has a mental health condition. I do not think she 'knew what she was doing' at all. She was a very, very vulnerable child who was promised love and care.

I cried at this. Thank you for saying so I do blame myself immensely I think how could I be so foolish but then I think would I say that to a teenager? no so why do I say it to myself.

My daughter doesn’t live with me at the moment as I had a suicide attempt last year and was in a coma and have some complications. I will be moving back into my home after my recovery from mental health services. My daughter will also be moving back in with me.

I told her the truth for the most past about why her dad doesn’t see her anymore. That he has another family but that he does care about her. I haven’t thought much about what the impact will be on her while she is young as her name won’t be in the public domain. I do think about how she will feel as an adult but I hope that she will be as disgusted as I am.

My lawyer is from a while back when he left me and the child. He got in touch during my suicide attempt last year.

I assume he’s famous?

Honestly, I would focus on your MH and getting your daughter back before opening this huge can of worms.

This is going to be a very difficult time for you and you need to be in the best place mentally, before even considering starting to pursue this.

If you want justice, which I would completely understand, then perhaps get your mental health sorted and then start on your family and those that sexually abused you.

He is a public figure to some extent. Founder of a significant company. I don’t know if he has been charged for anything else. I only really found out about him when we went to family court.

Yes he did actually pay for a lawyer to draw up a financial agreement. After he and his wife got on FaceTime screaming at me to agree on a contract for the child. The wife was furious with me as she would be told me he didn’t love me or the child and then screamed at him to say it to me. He told me he didn’t love me but wouldn’t say he didn’t love his child then she hung up.

I’m in my 20s now.

No not famous I didn’t actually know his real name until the affair ended.

technically I do have justice for the sexual assaults as a child. Although I don’t consider it justice as my life sentence is genuinely for life.

He absolutely groomed you. Know what you’re doing at 16 years old, indeed 🙄 I mean I suppose you do up to a point. But a 16 year old is no match for a man of 51 who is manipulative and preys on a teenager who has already been abused.