Affair

[Mummydearest91]

AIBU to hate my ex

when I was 15/16 I met a man online he provided me an escape from an abusive home where I suffered sexual assault etc the reason I mention that is because I want to give insight to my state of mind anyway during our affair I knew he was married he told me he hadn’t slept with his wife in 16 years and that they are essentially good friends he had two kids the same age as me. A few sessions into our affair he told me he loved me that we were making love I said no didn’t think so but over time I considered maybe he did love me so we went on as a couple I got pregnant he wanted an abortion said it was wrong to bring a child into this I agreed and probably would have done anything he said because he was my world I had no family or friends it was just us. In the end he decided I should keep the baby as it would save our ‘relationship’ so I agreed 6 months in he changed his mind but I said I couldn’t have an abortion now because I felt it was too late at this stage I was very excited for the fairytale I thought I was getting we argued and he said he would have nothing to do with me and give me 3k a month for cost. I was very upset actually distraught I offered to adopt the baby he refused to agree said it was cruel to have a baby then give it up in the end we made up and he apologised so we had the baby. I got a huge dose of reality and adulthood at 19 suddenly with a baby I started to worry I put pressure on him to commit to being with us all the time and financially we argued all the time he even grabbed me by the throat and slammed me into the wall after I hid his passport and made him call his wife I was a mess I had this baby I didn’t want it wasn’t a fairytale I wanted to adopt her but he wouldn’t allow it I was really ill mentally and I told him I didn’t feel safe with the baby many number of times. I was also high functioning doing everything for her breastfeeding cleaning baby clubs meeting all the red book stuff etc anyway 18 months in he told his wife the truth text me on the day I was expecting him over that he wasn’t coming that he’d told his wife and needed to deal with things I behaved badly I lost it I needed him to come and help I was relying on that break help never came and many years later we have a financial agreement and a chain of some inappropriate emails here and there. So aibu to think he groomed me as a teenager ?

He groomed you. You were vulnerable and were reaching out for love. He took advantage of this and thought you’d be some young girl he could control.
I’m so sorry your life has been hard. I’m hoping this can be a turning point for you and your daughter and you can protect her from the upbringing you had.

So he was a wealthy businessman who, in his 50s, was chatting up vulnerable 15-year-olds online? And he didn't tell you his real name? And his wife also harassed you? This is appalling stuff.

As well as the obvious age issues here, his wealth and status meant there was a MASSIVE power imbalance.

I'm so sorry you've gone through this, OP. Personally, I think this man deserves to be hauled through a criminal trial as publicly as possible (neither you nor your daughter would be named, by the way - you because you would be the victim of a sexual crime and her because she is a child).

However, I think you need to ask yourself whether you are ready to face the inevitable stress and worry of that process, and also whether you would be able to cope with him potentially walking away unpunished if it can't be proved that sex happened when you were underage.

Lots of love to you, OP xx

Seriously? She was a vulnerable 16 year old who was being sexually abused by a family member in her own house. She had no life experience (or experience of a healthy sexual relationship, I imagine). He was a 51 year old married man, a father. He had been an adult for decades whereas she was essentially still a child. He impregnated her, physically assaulted her.
I'm sorry but she wasn't some worldly wise woman who understood the ways of the world. I was utterly clueless at 16, especially when it came to men and sex.
Yes I'd say he groomed you.

So he was 51 and you were 16? Yeah that's insane. My first response when I said I knew what I was doing at 16 with someone older, the age difference wasn't even remotely like this! More like 10 years.

Thankfully, 'your opinion' is in the minority.

OP, he absolutely did groom you & I hope you get the justice you deserve, he sounds revolting.

Have you met any 16 year olds?

Quite - at 16 you THINK you know what you are doing...

He chose you because of your age and background 💯 because he thought that you’d either never realise he was a groomer or you wouldn’t report it because of the legal process and fear of costs etc

This is an absolutely horrible, incorrect, nasty and ill-informed statement.

No abuse victim is ever to blame for being abused. EVER.

A 51 year old man and a 15yo child is illegal as well as being immoral. He groomed you. You were vulnerable and he took advantage of that. You haven't done anything wrong. I hope you are getting real life support as you deal with this. So what if it gets in the papers? He deserves the shame that will be healed upon him. Sending you strength.

Yes, I do think that. He sounds like a repulsive individual who treated you and your child like his property. He was appallingly abusive, and of course it's grooming. He was married, and you were a child.
I would strongly consider speaking to the police. But definitely speak to a counsellor.

What a terrible time you've had. Yes he absolutely groomed you and abused you and you, as a vulnerable child, in no way should take any responsibility for that.

I hope you and your daughter are in a better place, I don't know much about the legal system but pursuing something like this will require more energy and commitment than I suspect you'd be able to give right now. (No judgement, but after a suicide attempt you are still vulnerable).

Please focus on yourself and healing, caring for you and your daughter. Make yourself and her the priority. Sadly, although he is a piece of scum in his mid fifties he's approaching the age where he can't pull this bullshit so any legal action can wait till you are ready.

Hi OP
I'll share a little of my story here, in the hope it helps you.
Approx 20 years ago, when I was 15, I met an older man who was in a position of trust. As I saw it at the time, we were in a relationship for about a year, which involved domestic violence.
Time and therapy have helped me to realise that he groomed, physically and sexually abused me and repeatedly raped me.
I made an initial very brief report via the local police force's online reporting tool last August. I prepared myself to be ignored or disbelieved.
What actually happened was that within 2 days I got a call from a lovely police officer (female) who took an initial statement a few days later and referred me to an Independent Sexual Violence Advocate (ISVA) for support. My case was then assigned to a (female) detective who met with me and talked me through what would happen next, including a video interview. The investigation is still ongoing, but I at least know that my abuser is on the police's radar and has had to attend a police station and be interviewed under caution. It's not been easy going through the details of what happened back then, but throughout the process I have felt believed and supported by the officers involved, and have also had the support of my MH team and ISVA as needed. The process has started to bring me some inner peace, if that makes sense - I now know I wasn't a horrible, badly behaved, 'slutty' teenager: I was an abused child.
Sending you so much love.