The Big C

[Henrysmycat]

Not really AIBU but I got a breast cancer diagnosis, more test are awaiting as it spread to lymph nodes. I can’t sleep. Bit nervous and need a handhold and positive stories of people beating this and having long fruitful lives. I’m in my 40’s with a teenager and never been to hospital, so this is all new to me.
I told some of my closest friends and all the Brits completely ignored me, one said “ok. I got some fish in the oven” and hung up on me. These are alleged friends for over 20 years. So I’m a bit heartbroken about that.
I have my DH but having family that dealt with a lot of heartache and a teen doing GCSEs this year, I haven’t told them the whole story yet.
I feel so alone so I’m here asking for some positivity at 2.30am. Thank you.

I’m sending you a hello, a hug if you’d like one and some non-sleeping solidarity!
my sister was diagnosed with triple neg breast cancer five years ago, stage 3 (spread to lymph). She’s cancer free and about to celebrate her 60th this year. Cancer treatment has improved so much over the last decade, immunotherapy (which my sister has) is making a huge difference. My friends mum had breast cancer in her 40s and she’s in her late 70s now.
I’m really sorry your friends were so crap.
I need to try and sleep but wanted you to know you’re not alone 😘

I'm so sorry to hear this. No helpful stories here but just wanted to give you a handhold and say tell your family, they will want to know and support you no matter what else is going on. Good luck xx🌷

Hi, OP
I'm so sorry that you haven't had more IRL support.
I don't have any immediate experience, of the kind that I can offer specific details about, but what I can say is that about 3 years ago my best mate's mum rather quietly got diagnosed with, underwent treatment for, and subsequently was declared free of, breast cancer.
Just before Christmas, my dad shared with me and my sister that he too had been diagnosed, and I fervently wish that his journey follows along the same trajectory as best mate's mum, complete with a similar outcome.
I now wish the very same for you, and am offering a sincere hug (should you want one) - though if you'd rather, then a handhold.

Not breast cancer, but another form of cancer which was advanced and spread by the time I was diagnosed at 20.

Here I am 15 years later up in the middle of the night feeding my second child.

Several members of my extended family have had breast cancer and all cancer free for many years.

It’s going to be a rough ride, and you have a great team of doctors there to get you through it. Wishing you the very best OP, and giving you another hand hold.

I am so sorry to hear this OP and equally sorry that your friends aren't being supportive. As others have said, treatments have really improved over the years and cancer is something that can be beaten. There are many on MN who will have been through what you are going through, I am certain you will find a lot of support here. Sending you the very best wishes and a hug.

Hello! I was diagnosed in 2016 aged 34, lymph node spread so surgery and chemo. 8 years ago!
sorry you have had an unsupportive reaction from friends, feel free to message me, I am happy to chat and support, even at 3.30am (menopause sleep problems!). Also, speak to Macmillan and ask about their look good feel better campaign. I went on this course after diagnosis and met some lovely supportive ladies who had been in, or were on the same position I was. Xx

Hello, sending you hugs! I know of many people who have thankfully beaten breast cancer ❤️ just off the top of my head I can name at least 10 xx

I’m so sorry your friends have let you down, it’s no excuse maybe they are in shock. Hopefully things will get brighter for you soon, wishing you all the very best with your treatment x x

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and your friends are being this way. I have not been through this myself yet though I likely will one day (it runs in my family) so I don’t have any direct experience to share. However my grandma was diagnosed with breast cancer just before I was born. I’m now 25 and she’s as healthy as can be expected for a woman in her late eighties. My mum’s friend had it a while back and is fine now. My MIL also had it a few years ago and beat it quickly with no issues since. I don’t actually know anyone who’s had breast cancer and hasn’t had a positive outcome, apart from relatives who passed years before I was born, and treatment has progressed so much since then. I’m sorry I can’t be of more help but I wish you the best.

Sending hugs OP. Your friends should have been much more empathetic and supportive. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer for the first time in my GCSE year. She has had it twice and I’m happy to report 10 years later is hail and healthy.

I remember that she was also very hurt by the lack of care, she received from some “friends and family”. But for every person who was shit, there was a person who was truly amazing. It’s hard and it will take a lot out of you, you will need practical support and positive company sometimes, don’t be afraid to ask for it from the people who show you, they care. Sometimes people will really want to help, they just won’t know what you need.

Something no one ever talks about is how peoples mood and reactions can change because of hormone changes and how treatment makes you feel. Just be aware of that and talk openly about it as a family. Personally, as a teen this impacted me most. The second time round was so much better because we made sure she prioritised her MH, and we all prioritised keeping her spirits up.

I know so many people who have beaten this OP. Wishing you all the best x

I’m so sorry you’ve received this diagnosis.

As PPs have said, the treatments are enormously improved in recent years, and getting better every day!

For a positive story, I have a friend who was diagnosed at 42 with an aggressive BC. She’ll be 84 in May, so twice as old! And treatments 42 years ago were nowhere near as good as nowadays.

My nans friend had BC diagnosed aged 30 and was given a very short prognosis (keep reading it’s a positive outcome.) So she upped sticks and moved to Scotland to live out her last days. Anyway she had to come home again eventually because she lived until she was 92!!! 🩷🩷

There's a MN Board for cancer, lots of threads, you will also get lots of support and practical advice about what to expect there.

Join the cancer support thread in General Health OP.

I had stage 1 breast cancer 5 years ago. I found the worst bit was waiting for treatment to start.

It’s scary but you’ll get through it.

Also, tell your employer as soon as you can. Cancer is a protected characteristic under the Disability Discrimination Act.

@Henrysmycat one of my best friends was diagnosed stg 3 aggressive at 36. She had a mastectomy of the affected breast, chemo/radio and then she insisted they remove her other breast and uterus, which they did after much arguing. She said the chemo/radio was not pleasant and the enforced menopause was almost as bad but she's 5 years out the other side now and living life to the full.

At the time her boys were 11 and 13.

You will not always feel like you do, but you've got the strength to get through this 💐

One day at a time!

Hi,
I got diagnosed with breast cancer last February, mine had also moved to the nodes. Less than a year later I am working full time and going to the gym 3x week, last night I went to circuits class and did burpees! I'm 50.
I've been though surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy (not everyone needs them all).
My Mum was diagnosed with BC in 2001 and she is still around and a happy 79 year old.
Someone at work, who's wife was going through the same said to me at the start "the ones you expect to be there may not be, and some of the ones who step up will surprise you".
I had a warm response from those I chose to tell personally - but - after the surgery and the first chemo going well many people seem to forget and get on with their own lives. Sometimes I'd like a bit more care, but I understand people are busy and they just "forget" it's not over for the patient.
Ask me anything.

Thank you all so much. Haven’t replied but I’ve been reading and rereading and crying.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the hugs and handhold. You have no idea how much it means to me.
and thank you for the people that told me your stories. I have saved them and use them as strength springboard.
more test todays and I’ve been reading the comments for support. Thank you

Best of luck OP x

Best wishes, and hope you get the real-life support you deserve X

I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. It's in my lymph nodes too. I've done months of chemo which was pretty gruelling towards the end and I will have surgery soon. The scans I had after chemo finished show the tumour has completely disappeared and the lymph node shows no cancer either. Surgery is basically precautionary now, and to remove the little metal markers they put in to keep track on imaging.

My five year survival likelihood is above 90% because of the treatment I've had.

I'm more likely to be hit by a bus!

I know it's scary but having the diagnosis is really important. It's the first step in the road to recovery. I know you can do this because I know how scared I was at the beginning and how far I've come. Have a look online for support groups, I'm in a Facebook group for the specific sort of breast cancer I've got. They are really helpful.

I do hope from your username that you've a lovely cat called Henry with you.

I do think when something happens to you, you find out who your friends are. Whatever it is, some people just can't come forward to offer support. To be honest the fish can burn in the oven if someone phones with upsetting news.

You will get through this. I'm so sorry that you have this diagnosis but as others have said here medicine is moving ahead all the time. Sending you all my love from afar OP.

Not breast cancer, but we’ve just spent the last year helping my disabled daughter through cancer, it is the most difficult thing to deal with , I can sympathise. It takes over your whole life and thoughts doesn’t it, it’s terrifying.
I would heartily like to recommend Maggie’s cancer care . Look at their website, if there’s one near you you can just drop in. Don’t worry if you don’t know what to say, they are so experienced, kind warm and friendly. Anything you say to them they have probably heard before, they are so supportive. If there isn’t one near you can phone, I have done that literally sitting in my car crying. Truly wonderful organisation, it helps so much to have someone to offload onto.
They can also help with practical advice, benefits etc.
Please contact them . I couldn’t have coped without them . They also support any family members etc who may be struggling.
Take care x

I'm sorry your friends have been so rubbish, OP. That's a blow you don't need at a time like this. You will find support in other places, like here on MN. Best of luck with your treatment.

If you are in the UK and on Facebook search for the UK breast cancer support group for sufferers and survivors - an amazing group with support from people going through the same.

I was diagnosed last Jan after first mammogram and have had 3 operations and now on tamoxifen now it’s all gone but in again today to have a faulty implant switched over.

its a hard road but one day at a time and the waiting is the worst

Hiya,

I too am so sorry you're going through this and that your friends arent being supportive at all.

I have TNBC. was diagnosed August 2022. I've had various treatments and mastectomy, the chemo I'm currently having has reduced everything wich is amazing.

Obviously I have a few days a week feeling quite fatigue from the treatment, but I'm able to do all the things I want to, and carry on as normal, I do all the exercise I want too etc - although I have to listen to my body and rest when I need too.

I know it all seems very overwhelming at the moment, information flying at you from all directions, all that does settle down. Make sure you ask all the questions you want to, I always write them down and take them with me. Also your specialist oncology nurse can answer any questions for you, Where I am, I can ring up, leave a message and at some point they ring back during the day. Also, Macmillian can offer loads of advice on everything, so do ring them too.