The Big C

[Henrysmycat]

Not really AIBU but I got a breast cancer diagnosis, more test are awaiting as it spread to lymph nodes. I can’t sleep. Bit nervous and need a handhold and positive stories of people beating this and having long fruitful lives. I’m in my 40’s with a teenager and never been to hospital, so this is all new to me.
I told some of my closest friends and all the Brits completely ignored me, one said “ok. I got some fish in the oven” and hung up on me. These are alleged friends for over 20 years. So I’m a bit heartbroken about that.
I have my DH but having family that dealt with a lot of heartache and a teen doing GCSEs this year, I haven’t told them the whole story yet.
I feel so alone so I’m here asking for some positivity at 2.30am. Thank you.

A relative of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer in her early 40s. She's still here 35 years later. The cancer came back a second time in the other breast about 10 years ago and she overcame that too.
Modern medicine is amazing. The treatments are so much better these days.

Take in a notebook to jot down notes on what they say and also to write down any questions before you go in to any meetings.
Would it help you to take DH with you or would you prefer to go to consultations etc alone? Sometimes a second person can be helpful and sometimes not, depending on their personality!

I am sorry your friends were not more supportive but unfortunately I think a lot of people are very awkward about this kind of thing and basically don't know what to say. The "fish in the oven" friend was very rude though. She could have found a better way of dealing with it than that!

I had a recent health issue (not cancer) for which I needed a minor operation and while it wasn't a massive deal it was having a very big impact on my life (ok, might as well say what it was - rapidly developing cataracts in both eyes). Apart from 2 people, no one was in the least bit interested in my health, the difficulties I was having (such as no longer being able to drive) and some people made it all about them and were angry with me for having to cancel a few things in the three weeks running up to the operation because I couldn't bloody see!!!!!
I do think that people have become much less caring and concerned and that if it's not directly affecting them (ie. it's not a nuclear family member), they aren't that bothered. Also, a bit of an attitude of well, cataracts can be whipped out in minutes these days, or in the case of breast cancer, well, you have an op and a bit of chemo and then you're fine which of course takes no account of the emotional strain as well as the anxiety and all the hospital visits etc.

I wish you all the best OP and hope that you do find a couple of people who can support you and re-read all the positive stories on here!

I was in your position exactly 6 years ago (next week) had found a lump, thought it was actually injury related. Got it checked out and found out I had cancer in both breasts and a few weeks later found that it had spread to the bones. I’m still living the nightmare as my treatment is ongoing for life. It spread to the liver a year ago (no symptoms just found out via a routine scan) and I am currently waiting on test results as I found another lump at new year. Have never cried as much as I have in the past two weeks. Feel free to message me. I’d be more that happy to chat. I would also suggest the fb groups as a good source of support

despite my diagnosis, I have worked full time throughout and still able to do most of what I want to do (I was originally diagnosed at 42)

I'm not going to say it's all sunshine and lollipops, but I'll say that it is amazing what the human psyche can cope with as its new normal. You will surprise yourself.

Without thinking hard immediately comes to mind 5 of my mum's friends circle who have had breast cancer if varying degrees, only one had to have them removed but that was years ago and there all clear now

DH had bowel cancer, diagnosed pretty late, and is now cancer free. One of my loveliest friends had breast cancer at the same time and is also now fine, just minus a little bit of boob (not visible). Cancer is shit but there are some phenomenal medical advances going on all the time now.

You'll find out who your real friends are (not fish woman, what the hell). If there's a Maggie's near you it can be an excellent place for you or your DH or your daughter to go and talk to someone sensible and empathetic, you can just drop in or you can make an appointment. They kept both of us sane through some really scary times.

If you want to Google things stick to the NHS, Macmillan and Cancer Research websites, and stop when it gets too much. It is ok to bury your head in the sand sometimes as long as you keep doing what the professionals are telling you.

2001 my sil was given 6 months to live as her tumour was attached to her jugular. Chemo and radiotherapy were the only treatment she could have as no surgeon would operate.
She is now cancer free 66 and 4 grandchildren.

2020 I was diagnosed from a mammogram during lock down.
Mine also went into my lymph nodes. 2 operations and only radiotherapy I'm also cancer free.

Be positive do not google and you hopefully beat this.

I promise you when they have completed all the tests and you get a proper treatment plan in place you will feel better.
The uncertainty is the worst part by far.
The treatment isn’t a joy but unlikely to be half as bad as you imagine and has amazingly good results.
as for your friends some can cope some can’t it’s almost as if they think they can catch it.
Treasure the ones that listen and support and for the others when they ask how you are you answer “ I’m fine” that’s all they can cope with.
I wish you all the best in a few months you will be back here telling others not to panic it’s not so bad.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP.
Do your friends have a history of being awful?