To be pissed off at this?

[SpeedbirdSquawker]

My mum is in her 60s. She's got a horrible virus and has been sick in bed a few times. The mattress hasn't dried.

She doesn't share a bed with her husband. She won't sleep with him tonight as she likely will be sick again. So she's sleeping on the sofa. She's really poorly. I asked if he knew she was sleeping on the sofa and he does. I asked why she hadn't asked him to flip her mattress over and she says he's been working all week and was tired when he got home. He's not a fucking fragile butterfly! Aibu to be so pissed off at him for not offering to turn over the mattress and her for being so fucking soft? She's like this a lot with him doing things after work that he's tired.

I have absolutely no idea, I don’t know him. But it’s her marriage and her choice. What do you suggest she does, leave him to find a better husband?

I'm not. I ask her as I wouldn't be happy living my life as she is. I want her to know that there's always a way out if she is unhappy.

I hope that as a woman she knows that she can do life alone if she chooses to. As I said, she was alone for a long time prior to him and I think that possibly the thought of her being without a partner scares her.

So she knows she can do it alone. She has done it before. She’s telling you she is happy, just support her.

I do support her.----

Provide for them both financially when she retires, yes

To be fair this would be very important to a lot of people. It sounds like quite a traditional relationship. Wouldn't be my cup of tea but she's told you she's happy.

Let her be.
But once the mattress is clean & dry get some of these: (or whatever your/ her budget is)

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Waterproof-Towelling-Protectors-Hypo-Allergenic-Breathable/dp/B0B1CP9V1N/ref=asc_df_B0B1CP9V1N/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=663737013249&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7827838649480524873&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007208&hvtargid=pla-2201072978790&psc=1&mcid=8b1634d07e7f3dab8254293939e504c3

He is useless. My dad was your typical working class bloke who never cooked a day, didn't know what washing machine was or hoover (he is chief dishwasher) but when mum was seriously ill and has needed ops then dad learned. He learned to clean and hoover and wash clothes and make meals. Shopping was hilarious as he never used a bank card in his life so he went to their local shop, looked pathetic and shop assistant helped him shop. He bathed her, chnaged her bedding when she soiled.
What I'm saying is a real partner steps up

A sickness bug isn’t prolonged by sleeping on a sofa. Her recovery will be the same whether she sleeps on the bed or the sofa.

Flipping a wet mattress is not a good idea. Even if it was, if she’s still being sick she’s presumably liable to throw up on the dry side. If anything, the mattress wants bloody burning, not flipping.

If she’s throwing up she isn’t going to get a night’s sleep anyway. If I were her I’d much rather be sitting up on the sofa with a bucket than lying down and puking on my bed which I’d already puked on the night before. If I was incapable of getting to the bathroom and was just throwing up on the spot like a toddler, I wouldn’t be going anywhere near my bed until I’d stopped being sick because an adult repeatedly throwing up on their bed is utterly fucking revolting.

Anyway. You asked her if she wanted help and she said no. She’s an adult and she can decide where she sleeps when she’s unwell.

I ask her as I wouldn't be happy living my life as she is

It’s irrelevant whether you would be happy with your mum’s life. You and your mum are not the same person.

I know she’s ill but this is absolutely gross. If she can’t make it to the toilet why is she not taking a bucket to bed with her? Unless there are other disabilities you’ve not mentioned or the illness is so bad she can’t move to bend over a bowl (in which case does she need medical attention?) there is no earthly reason for an adult to be puking in their bed!

What a weird collection of posts, OP.

Glad we’ve moved past the mattress flipping… which I’d honestly be questioning if anyone did. That’s disgusting.

Now on to the other stuff. Your mum is a grown woman with agency. Stop worrying about what he will or won’t do for her now or in the future. If she were alone then she’d not have any help at all. She tells you she’s happy, believe her. There are lots of good and supportive people in the world (both men and women) who aren’t helpful around the house. If I read correctly she hasn’t even asked for help from him!

I know it's unpleasant, but could she sleep cuddling a whole load of blankets that might make her feel better and if she was sick would be less messy and easier to clean than the actual mattress.

If she can do it alone... then she can do it having to do some of the household jobs but not having to worry about money (because whatever you think. That is important)

There's also the fact that once he retires then the "too tired after work" excuse won't be there and he'll have time.

I'm actually wondering though if he's a toy boy now. And that's why you have such an issue with him

This is a very strange way of looking at your mum's relationship. He is her husband, and whatever reasons she married him, they were for how she felt then. Not advertising for a future carer. If she had never married him who would be putting on washes and going to the shop for her when she is older? What if he becomes ill or Incapacitated first? Sorry if this comes across as harsh but it sounds like you see him as being responsible for your mother's future care and that he should be practising now, or as you put it: she should be teaching him. Is this because you are afraid that you won't be able to help your mother yourself in future years? And do you feel he's not "fit for purpose?", so thats why his actions/inaction annoy you so much? The division of tasks and their relationship is their own business.

Towels on it or blast with a hairdryer for a bit.

If she cant flip a mattress because she is so sick and as you have said ‘How will she ever get better sleeping on the sofa?’

Then she needs to go to the hospital if shes that weak

Could you not ring him and have a word about your mum's care? Maybe suggest a couple of things he could do to help her more?

I simply would not flip a mattress my husband had just chundered over. Nope. Not a chance. Unless I could flip it out the window and set fire to it.

(I’d chuck him a few towels from the doorway to put over it and if it was more than once I’d probably moan at him for not using a bowl…)

#emetophobe

Pretty gross to flip a wet/dirty mattress.

Given your mum has refused your help have you considered her husband has offered help and she has refused that to?

Does your mum work? Because if not then it does make sense for her to do the cleaning and cooking. If she works similar hours to him then yes it seems an unfair split of chores as he's unlikely to be driving them for that many hours each week. But if your mum wants to put up with that then there is nothing you can do.

Are the not of a similar age? Is he not just as likely to become frail?

your mum is still pretty young to be fair. My mum is in her 60s, working full time and can flip her own mattresses.