To be pissed off at this?

[SpeedbirdSquawker]

My mum is in her 60s. She's got a horrible virus and has been sick in bed a few times. The mattress hasn't dried.

She doesn't share a bed with her husband. She won't sleep with him tonight as she likely will be sick again. So she's sleeping on the sofa. She's really poorly. I asked if he knew she was sleeping on the sofa and he does. I asked why she hadn't asked him to flip her mattress over and she says he's been working all week and was tired when he got home. He's not a fucking fragile butterfly! Aibu to be so pissed off at him for not offering to turn over the mattress and her for being so fucking soft? She's like this a lot with him doing things after work that he's tired.

I think it's perfectly reasonable of you to be pissed off that your mum's husband has form for not giving one shiny shit about her welfare and comfort, and that, for whatever reason, the dynamic of their relationship is such that she enables him, to her own detriment by making excuses for his careless selfishness.

That's exactly how I would expect a loving and concerned daughter to feel.

So pick what it is you are pissed off about then. But flipping a mattress isn’t one of them, it wouldn’t even have crossed my mind to have done that.

Exactly, it reads like you’re just trying to find a reason to complain about him, which is fine, but pick a reason.

I get it OP. It isn't about the mattress, it's about your mum's husband not caring for her as he should and you worrying about her being unwell. YANBU.

Feels like you are using this as an excuse for hating him...

Is it damp from sick or sweat or has she been wetting the bed? Regardless... as others have said, flipping a wet mattress is not a good idea. And sleeping on the sofa whilst being sick is probably a better idea.

It is also OK to be so tired after work you don't want to flip a mattress, especially if it's a physical job. If it was so urgent then you'd be finding any way to do it for her.

Sounds like a bit of a chauvinistic dinosaur.

To be fair to him, I avoid my partner like...well, the plague if he's ill. Because I don't want to catch it. Perhaps he hasn't offered to flip the mattress because it's a) gross to flip an unclean mattress and b) flipping a damp mattress will create damp.

I would like him more if he would have asked my mum if he can do anything to make her feel a bit better for the evening as he goes to bed early. He wouldn't have done though.

Yep he hasn't cooked for her once. I don't think he's ever washed up. He doesn't make an effort to speak to me at all when we're all together and hasn't since I first knew him. He has good points but I want the best for my mum in her senior years. He works hard and he's the driver in their household so that's a good point, but anything else....I'm struggling to think.

He sounds selfish and thoughtless. Would you be able to broach with him how he could better meet your mum's needs, especially when she is poorly? She is going to need his consideration more as the years roll by.

Is your mum generally happy with him?

Thank you for your reply. It sounds good in theory but my mum would go mad if she knew I'd done this. He can do no wrong in her eyes and its all put down to just being who he is.

You are not being unreasonable. He should be giving her his bed as she is ill

She was on her own for a long time before him and then when she met him online she was besotted and they married quickly and he moved in with her. I asked her if shes happy with him and if she had her time again would she still get married and she always hesitates but then says yes.

When I broach how little he does she always replies with its all about the compromises.

So if she says she is happy believe her. It’s their relationship and the division of labour is between them. There is no point you being annoyed about it, or imagining that he hasn’t even asked if he can do anything for her. It sounds like you are complaining about him to her.

When she gets into older age he won't be able to look after it. Provide for them both financially when she retires, yes, but put a wash on, wouldn't have a clue. Go shopping alone? He hesitates doing that now. He wouldn't know how to prepare a basic meal. I blame her as much as him as she's never encouraged him to learn basic life admin tasks.

I don't do this. It's not fair on my mum as she then gets stuck in the middle and he never complains about me to her to be fair to him.

But you said you broach how little he does so yes, that’s complaining about him.

But he must have been on his own prior to meeting your mum so he will be able to do those things.

He lived with his family prior to meeting my mum. Everything was done for him in terms of housework and cooking.

I’m sure he will manage when he needs to. There is no point worrying about that.

I suppose if you put it that way. I say it in a way to my mum as I am making sure she's happy with life.

She just needs to stick a few towels down under her sheet for tonight - then clean and air tomorrow

Do you think when my mum is frail he'll suddenly step up to the mark?

It’s her life. Stop trying to imply to her that she isn’t happy