to be pissed off with DP over travel visa?

[Evaka]

We're going on a long planned, long awaited and quite expensive holiday towards the end of the month. The country we're going to requires a visa which I applied for and had approved week before last. The process is to apply, wait three days and then log into their system to check. DP applied a few days later, and never checked. Today he finally logged in and found it had been rejected due to his not including a required piece of personal info. He never logged in (expected an email from them - despite their saying explicitly that you had to check yourself) so it's possibly been sitting there rejected for a week. He reapplied, it should be fine but it's really tight now with zero space for stuff to go wrong. I swallowed my irritation and looked at some back ups, which I sent to him. he responded 'I'm not worried' on whatsapp. When we discussed it at home this eve he was blase about it, totally unbothered, and I eventually said that it's good to acknowledge when your actions have created a stressy situation. I know it was an innocent mistake, but surely he could have said he was sorry that things are a bit uncertain. He thinks I'm being VERY unreasonable. Am I?

This would drive me mental as well as my partner tells me not to nag him but then when I don't things like this happen.

But I would now just try and swallow your pride and look forward to your trip

That's good advice, thank you. He had better get that effing visa on time!

It's annoying if you're the organised one in the relationship and he's a bit fly-by-night, yes. I think demanding an apology from him was probably taking it too far. If your holiday is in any way affected, absolutely he owes you one - but not yet!

He’s a man. Of course he is being unreasonable.
Can you find a way to humiliate him in public?

I’d find that hugely annoying and frustrating too.

What kind of back ups were you looking at? If he doesn’t get his visa, please, take the trip yourself and try to have an amazing time. And if it isn’t amazing, lie to him and tell him it was.

This would send me spiralling into negative thoughts and increase my stress levels

Things like this.. one person takes responsibility and does all of them at the same time. Or you sit down and do them together. Then there's less chance of things going wrong

Exh did a similar thing once, he didn’t renew his passport before a big holiday. I had to go to London the day before we were due to fly to get a same day passport while he went shopping for new clothes as he needed special clothes for the trip. I’m so glad I’m not with him, he caused me so much anxiety and he really didn’t understand why I was stressed.

I suggest ‘vacation rules’. DH and I are very clear that vacation rules will apply and if someone can’t go for whatever reason the other will give them a heartfelt wave goodbye and will buy them something.

We’ve both had to be reminded of these rules over the years… but have never actually had to put them into practice. We both would though!

DH and I are going on a big trip to California this spring (I lived there as a child and it's our 30th anniversary this year so we wanted to do something special). He thrives on researching and planning holidays (he does all the research and then we sit down together to make the final plans). We jointly booked the flights and car hire, we agreed a trip plan based on his research, and he has booked hotels and theme park tickets (thank you Black Friday). My job is to deal with the ESTAs.

If his visa isn't issued in time, go anyway. Don't discuss it, just go.

And if his visa is issued in time, do not pack a single item for him, or rescue him if he ends up making a balls of the packing too.

You've just reminded me that I had to spend a whole day, two days before our wedding at the passport office waiting for dh's emergency renewal so we could go on our honeymoon the day after our wedding.

And this is why my 10yr old boy doesn't get away with nit packing his own bag for holidays. (With guidance of course - but he defiantely knows he is expected to participate a day take some responsibility!)

Nothing has gone wrong. It might, but for now all is well. There's no point in getting pissed off.

Yes, this.

DH is a massive procrastinator, so I tend to do the time sensitive stuff (flights, visas etc) and he takes care of the less critical but still headspace occupying stuff.

Ive tried leaving it for him to do, but every time he puts it off and puts it off causing me a lot of worry and anxiety, and then manages to get things sorted at the 11th hour. It’s never gone tits up, so he sees no reason to do it on my timescale.

We’re going to Florida at the end of the year and I’ve taken charge of the essentials like flights and accommodation. He has to sort the stuff that’s less time sensitive like travel insurance, Revolut cards and the doctor’s note for dd, so at least he still has to get the finger out.

If he doesn’t he’ll be rejected and you’ll have a lovely relaxing holiday on your own!…. I think I’d almost prefer that LOL

I love how some MN’ers think this is OP’s fault because SHE should’ve done it for him…..
I wonder if you also think OP should be packing his suitcase for him and checking he has clean underwear for everyday! Pack those ones with the days of the week on OP to save him getting confused…. 😂😂

My goodness… he’s a grown ass man and should be able to fill out a form himself!!… or check an email without without being reminded!

He's probably more laid back because he knows you will do the stressing for both of you. You're very organised and issue reminders so he doesn't bother. Did you do all the planning for the holiday too? If his visa doesn't arrive, go without him!

@FirstFallopians really? You'd rather go on a long planned holiday on your own?

Honestly OP, think positive, carry on assuming all is fine.

Thanks all for responding. I'm going to think positive and assume it'll turn up in time :). And yes l reckon I'll go solo if it doesn't. There's a second part to the trip that he has his docs for and he can catch up with me there x

It's the stress. His lack of planning doesn't cause him stress it causes you stress.

I know someone who missed a very important flight with his kids. He was always going to miss one at some point because he's bloody useless. The child has deep anxiety around holidays and flights now. The idiot who missed the flight is fine.

It'll work out, @Evaka , but I completely understand how you feel.
My DH and I have both lived in multiple countries and dealt with a lot of administration. I am more uptight, though.

My rule of thumb: visa applications, I do it for both of us at the same time, because it occupies my mental space if it's not done when I first think of it.
Things that would cause him stress but don't directly affect me, well, he deals with it. I would never help him pack nor would he ever expect it; as long as he has his passport, we're good to go.

He sounds like an idiot so I can see why you're annoyed with him

I don't think the answer is to become their mum and do it for them though, the answer is to date a competent adult not a manchild

Just a point on this, travel insurance should be sorted at the same time as booking not just before travel. If something happens in the interim that means you can't travel, you have no cover.

Do not pack a single item for him

You say that as if it would be normal for her to pack for him. 🙄