to expect the toilet flushed?!??

[Willow39]

Living with my boyfriend of 2 years and I'm getting sick of the way he lives. If it's relevant, we have a 60/40 split on bills as he earns more than me. He works from home full time, I am hybrid. Our agreement for chores is that he shops for, plans and cooks all our food and takes the bins out. I do laundry, keep the house clean and do the dishes. I made it very clear that by cleaning, it doesn't mean I'm his maid who will pick up after him and he has to do the basics still. Ie flush the toilet, rubbish in the bin, put dishes in the sink.

But this is what I deal with...

Towels strewn all over the house and dumped wherever he's taken them off? On the sofa, kitchen table, bed etc. if he ever 'hangs' them up he just twists and crumples them really weirdly so they'll never dry
He'll use the kitchen tea towels to wipe food off the sides even though we have kitchen roll? I don't want to dry my hands on a tea towel covered in bolognese sauce lol!!!

Rubbish left on the coffee table, kitchen sides etc instead of being put in the bin, empty glasses/plates left everywhere, shoes in the middle of the hall, tissues everywhere!! Coasters never used so our furniture is damaged. He won't take the empty toilet roll off the holder and change it, he'll just leave it there, take another roll and leave it on the floor.

He doesn't even flush the toilet every time! Every other day he leaves piss in the toilet as he just hasn't bothered to flush it. Every time I find it like that I walk up to him and ask him to flush but it doesn't seem to get into his head. I know if I ignore and flush it then it will just continue so I bring it to his attention when he does.

He is very agreeable and sorts it out whenever I point it out but it doesn't stick. I feel myself becoming the 'nagging woman' but how on earth am I meant to get him to sort this out? I feel like they're just small things but it really annoys me when he does this!

He also has a nasty habit of just feeding our cat off our plates instead of being bothered to wash her food bowl? It's just pure laziness. I asked why he always uses our plates and he said 'because it's bad for a cat to eat off something dirty.' To which I replied, wash her bowl then! If I'm out for the day, I'll come back to 3 plates on the floor where he's fed the cat and not picked any up?

How do I train my boyfriend to do these little things? Do I need to start giving him treats when he remembers to flush the loo or what? 😂

I wouldn't bother tbh. He's sounds like a lazy teenager who never grew up and is unlikely to change.

Now imagine the same scenario with kids added.

Just leave. He's obviously still a child

Why would you think it’s reasonable for you to toilet train a grown man?

He’s not going to change. So many really disgusting habits. How can you remain attracted to such a slob?!

I’d be moving into my own place - and looking for a new BF.

You can do so much better without him OP

He is treating you like an unpaid servant. He won’t stop behaving like a man child because that’s what suits him.

Imagine coming home from work to a house/flat as tidy as you left it in the morning. Dashing to the loo after your journey and not finding you need to flush it before you can use it. Walking into your bedroom and not thinking -is that smell from a damp towel?

All of that would be a deal breaker for me.
I’d move out and leave him.
I refuse to pick up after adults that have the ability but not the desire.

I could not deal with this at all - I’d be gone, I must admit. He’d live in a pigsty by the sound of it.

If you stay, you will have to get used to doing it all - but that will need to include checking the toilet each time he’s been. Can you imagine being post partum and having to do that before the midwife arrives in case she asks to use the loo and you’re worried what she might find?

If I was you, he’d get a huge ‘ this has to stop now’ moment where I spelled out what must change. If it didn’t, I’d be off.

I wouldn't eat food prepared by this slob!

I would tell him if he hasn’t sorted his shit in a week it’s over.

Not really the point but get a couple of extra food bowls for the cat so that there can always be a clean one.

The other stuff, YANBU!

Did he grow up in Bermuda? You don't always flush the loo in Bermuda, depending on where your water is coming from.

Did he live like this before you moved in? If so, you are imposing your levels of cleanliness on him as much as he is imposing his levels of filth on you. Either learn to understand each other and find a middle way, or move out.

If he was tidy before you moved in but got messy since, then move out, he’s using you.

(I was the filthy slut, he is the neat freak, we listened to each other and learned to meet in the middle).

He’s shown you who he is…so believe him.

things are only going to get worse as time goes on and children are introduced.

either leave now or be prepared for a life time of doing everything yourself and resenting your partner.

Sorry, this is a deal breaker. I don't think you can train him to change. Move on

Also, it’s not your responsibility to teach/train him to be an actual adult. You are not his parent.

What are his good points; Does he ever do extra for you: Do you get on well otherwise: Does he do the garden wash the car, outside windows or does he leave everything apart from food to you?

Buy more cat dishes, leave coasters out where drinks get put. Keep telling him to flush the toilet, does he leave the lid up as well, that drives me nuts. How many towels can he possibly use? I would just pick them up. Tell him to round up the left out dishes when you are going to do the washing up. Put out another cloth for wiping up surfaces, I have a stock of micro cloths, I don't like to keep using kitchen roll, he may also think that is a waste.

If these things are a deal breaker for you then that's that. In the scheme of things he doesn't seem like a bad bloke. I expect there are things you do that annoy him too.

You can get toilet rules signs, just an example depending how jokey you feel:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Second-Ave-Gift-Rectangle-Bathroom/dp/B09V1KNCFC/ref=sr_1_115?crid=1JRD1Y9ZA9QHP&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.FYcJv3Vw67a72--DRRb3SiiLwMTufVxT-yUP0_W97dKATzHcMZ2UdQGRMJ9q-dyorHqBvZZqoOckJvpKxpLFk5oi5EFelYYcRgstixcFxoJ7mZxyfOCTDeKPSkYhdP-TRMgz5SxZ0l-zBMYAbnFaZdaz61qZts_kzQow_me67DD9HLXOTirZmmRR0r47gs0agDVstFN01QywTK4skTzo1Cqw7BaI52y2T51xGBeGQdMQyaGbuj6zGkJH1a97dKM94aIxM_Bsvdm-42KEECeHI-DTgJSY0n_OGGqyMDiz4ck.IRJNn4EqQNAbtoNnlIGUaDF0_iGF1bGaUFvg2SDkIp0&dib_tag=se&keywords=now+flush+sign&qid=1713355675&sprefix=now+flush+sign%2Caps%2C228&sr=8-115

You can't. He's not a dog. If he respected you, he would do these things, out of respect, for you.

He does oto respect you, he will not respect you, it's not going to happen.

You can't "fix him" or "make him change", stop beliveing the absolutel sh*te you see in movies and in media. If he knows this stuff bothers you, and he is not willing to alter his behaviour, he is doing it, knowing it bothers you.

Respecting the home you both pay for is not a "small thing".

You could try a 'swear box', every time he doesn't flush it's a pound, every towel 50p, proceeds for you to treat yourself. I am joking... mostly.

I've lived most of my life in areas with severe water shortages. I therefore often don't flush the loo either - it's drummed into me!!!

Though I did when I lived in England I must admit.

The rest is plain icky and would annoy me too. I don't know if there is a cure however.

The cat thing 😷

LTB

Even if he's going by the "if it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down" rule (meant to conserve water, I didn't invent this and I don't live by it, I just know some who do), the rest of what he does is just disrespectful and lazy.
If he is an absolute angel in every other area of life and is open to suggestion and trying to change, he might improve over years (I was very scruffy and didn't tidy after myself but DH was neat freak and just a PP said we compromised and meet in the middle), but really if he's going to make no effort or get aggressive about it you're probably better off splitting up.

Urgh, my vagina just clamped shut like a vice.

Train him? You don't find someone who lives like a pig and drives you mad and then try to change him. Don't be a fool.

You either accept that this is his preferred way of living and spend the rest of your life picking up towels and eating from the cat's plate, or decide that you don't want to. Up to you. He's not changing, don't kid yourself.

If it’s yellow, get rid of the fellow. If it’s brown, tell the town.

How long have you lived together of those 2 years? Definitely time to have a chat to renegotiate the division of chores and add a few (very basic!) expectations to the agreement. If he can't pull his weight, without needing constant reminders, then time to let him go. I bet he doesn't need micromanagement like that at work does he? That's because he respects his work team / boss.