Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask for childcare despite knowing this

43 replies

pinkfrosting · 17/01/2024 22:39

Hi I came here this evening to ask if I'm BU or if my husband is.
My husband's friend is getting married in a few weeks and both of us have been invited. My husband's family have been invited too.

The plan was I would ask my mum to mind dc for the night but really it would be two nights as I'd have to drop them over the night before so that we can go, however the last few months she's mentioned to me she's been in pain and is now referred for surgery. She hasn't got a date yet she's expecting to get it done soon and she will be immobile afterwards for a while.

I've now said I can't go to the wedding as I don't want to ask my mum to mind dc as I know she will despite being in pain.

My husband disagrees with me and thinks that one night would be ok and if she gets a date for the surgery that clashes with the wedding then obviously that changes things but for now he doesn't understand my reluctance to ask her to mind dc.

Our children aren't babies but they're still young. I still feel it's wrong to ask her. Getting a babysitter is not an option, I've never left my children overnight with anyone who wasn't family.
I'm just looking for your thoughts please. Thanks

OP posts:
DelilahJane · 17/01/2024 22:43

I think you need to have a chat with your mum. Make it clear you're happy not to go if she's not feeling up to it. She may be happy to have them provided it doesn't clash with surgery dates

GenXisthebest · 17/01/2024 22:44

I'd ask my mum. If she felt nervous about it then I would cancel, but if she felt comfortable having them I would go ahead.

RawBloomers · 17/01/2024 22:48

If you think she’d say yes even if she isn’t really up for it, then I wouldn’t ask her either.

OhwhyOY · 17/01/2024 22:51

Could you ask your mum but also hire a babysitter to help her with the most difficult parts e.g. bedtime routine etc? Bit unorthodox but I've done something like this before and it worked really well, kids had someone they knew there but GM had an extra pair of hands for feeding etc.

BreadInCaptivity · 17/01/2024 22:55

OhwhyOY · 17/01/2024 22:51

Could you ask your mum but also hire a babysitter to help her with the most difficult parts e.g. bedtime routine etc? Bit unorthodox but I've done something like this before and it worked really well, kids had someone they knew there but GM had an extra pair of hands for feeding etc.

I was about to suggest similar but you beat me to it.

Could you offer for your mum to have a friend stay with her to help and offer to get them both a nice takeaway/treats as a thank you.

You'd know your children were with a trusted family member and that they would be comfortable staying with her, but this would also mean your mum would have support.

YireosDodeAver · 17/01/2024 22:57

OhwhyOY · 17/01/2024 22:51

Could you ask your mum but also hire a babysitter to help her with the most difficult parts e.g. bedtime routine etc? Bit unorthodox but I've done something like this before and it worked really well, kids had someone they knew there but GM had an extra pair of hands for feeding etc.

This is what I would do too.

underneaththeash · 17/01/2024 22:57

How old are they?

Original poster
pinkfrosting · 17/01/2024 23:00

My mum would absolutely hate someone else coming in to help her mind the children. She would be really insulted if I suggested it and would think I thought she was incapable. It's a good idea though but not for my mum sadly.

OP posts:
OhGoOnThen0 · 17/01/2024 23:01

I think its up to your Mum if she's already said yes.

Original poster
pinkfrosting · 17/01/2024 23:03

The children are 5/7 and 12. She doesn't drive either. She's waiting on knee replacement surgery so is in pain with mobility.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkfrosting · 17/01/2024 23:05

@OhGoOnThen0 I haven't asked her yet, I'm reluctant to ask her knowing she's in pain.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 17/01/2024 23:08

I think one night would be fine. The 12 yo can help out.

BreadInCaptivity · 17/01/2024 23:13

Delicate question but how well behaved/easy to look after are the children with her?

I ask because DS could be a challenge as a pre-teen (full of energy rather than naughty) at home but was always as good as gold with my parents and happy to play board games, go to bed without fuss etc (something he'd never do with me/DH).

Sometimes I wondered if they'd looked after the same child 😂 (and no, it wasn't my parents glossing over behaviour - he just behaved differently with them and to a degree still does as an adult).

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 17/01/2024 23:14

It’s your mums decision wether she can manage having them or not

Original poster
pinkfrosting · 17/01/2024 23:19

@BreadInCaptivity thats a fair point ☺️ they're good kids in general. They have their moments like most but generally if I say to them they need to behave for x time or for x reason they will. The younger ones would happily colour or play Nintendo and the older one would play his iPad.

OP posts:
HMW1906 · 17/01/2024 23:33

I’d speak to your mum and get her opinion. They’re not babies, presumably they’re all able to dress themselves, toilet trained etc and if 5 year old does need help then 12 year old could help them. So it’s pretty much making meals for them, which your mum would be doing for herself anyway. Take games consoles, tablets, whatever entertains them and other than making sure they’re safe and providing food (you could pay for a takeaway for the evening for them which also takes one meal out of the problem too) your mum shouldn’t need to do anything too strenuous with them.

sockmuncher · 17/01/2024 23:40

I wouldn't put your Mum in the position of asking her tbh.

You know she's in pain and it's only a wedding.

I wouldn't mention it at all to her and stay at home with the kids.

I feel, from what you've said, she might feel compelled to help even if she's not feeling fit or capable and I don't think it's right to ask when you already know how she is.

ADoggyDogWorld · 18/01/2024 00:02

If it is two nights then that is a really big ask. You will drop off the night before the wedding and pick up the day after the wedding. I think it is too much.

Hankunamatata · 18/01/2024 00:09

First reaction was no but 7 and 12 are independent enough ages if the 12 year old is used to making g own sandwiches, doing cups of tea etc

Mysanthea · 18/01/2024 00:09

Different families work in different ways. I'm with you, I wouldn't like to ask. The reasons are nuanced and complicated, because my mother is very complicated.

DH and I tend to think of it that we each know our own family dynamics best. I will defer to his opinion about what is reasonable to ask of his parents, and he will defer to me about my own parents.

Spomsored · 18/01/2024 00:30

How long would you actually be leaving them with her? How many meal times? Do you know how the pain is affecting your mum, how mobile she is? If I had confidence she would say if it was too much I would ask.

Is taking the children with you and paying for extra hotel room/rooms an option?

FirstFallopians · 18/01/2024 00:37

When you said the kids weren’t babies but still young, I thought you meant they were nursery or reception age.

If one is 12 they’re well able to understand that granny has a bad knee and they need to be mindful of it, and to (within reason) lend a hand with the younger sibling if needed.

I agree that 2 nights might be too much depending on the kids and how much of a handful they are likely to be- is it practical to reduce it to 1 night?

WagWoofWalkMeeoow · 18/01/2024 00:38

If she was to come to your house & you gave the kids 'the talk' then I really can't see the issue. Your 22 yo should be able to help the younger two. And help your mum.

you can arrange to pay for delivery for dinner (if necessary tell her you promised the kids they could have takeaway this weekend as a treat as you're going to the wedding. Make sure there's easy stuff in for breakfast/lunch etc.

its not like you've got / year old triplets. Or even one baby that needs carrying up & down stairs.

personally though I'd be happy to have a good reason not to go!!

Original poster
pinkfrosting · 18/01/2024 00:48

I've two options but not sure which is better or worse if I did ask.
Drop children to mums about 9pm Friday evening in their pyjamas fed and ready for bed or get children up at 5am to be in mums for 7am possibly tired and grumpy from the early start. I wouldn't be able to collect until 3pm on the Sunday.

The wedding is a few hours away.

No children are invited and it's an exclusive venue so we couldn't get another room just for mum and the kids.

OP posts:
OhGoOnThen0 · 18/01/2024 00:50

Drop them ready for bed, they are not going to need much looking after once they are in bed

Swipe left for the next trending thread