To make an effort just for myself and DH, do you make an effort for yourself or just entertaining?

[golumsring]

I try at the end of the working day to make a nice meal and to sit down at the table with DH with the nice plates, glasses and perhaps a candle and some music, even on a week night. It doesn't always happen but most nights I manage to do this and I find its like a little oasis of calm and just a nice time for me and DH to reconnect after a day apart. In general I try to make the house nice and cosy and tidy just for the two of us and to always have some time each evening to spend together either playing a game, watching a film or just reading before bed with a nice treat.

Anyway my cousin stopped by this evening unexpectedly on her way home from work to drop off something she borrowed last year. She came in just as we were sitting down at the kitchen table to eat, I'd made a risotto and had set the table, some music and a candle. She apologised and said she didn't know it was a special occasion, I said it wasn't I just liked to use our nice things. She then laughed and said that she only bothered with all that if she had guests coming and that it was too much hassle. I know some people are like this and its fine if that is what they prefer to eat on the sofa in front of the tv with the big light on, to each their own but is it really that laughable to want to make an effort and to make things nice just for us? I would do the same if it were just me as well because I want to.

Am I being unreasonable, do you make an effort just for yourself and the people in your home or is all that strictly for guests?

I think it's lovely that you do!

We had candles lit tonight and a nice home made dinner with wine. Don't do it all the time but nice to make an effort

I'd like that, though our schedules wouldn't allow it. Good for you.

I don’t usually have a candle but I do cook properly most evenings and we eat at the table with nice china and glasses and napkins and have music on. Can be anything from 2 to 5 or 6 of us. We always eat at the table and it is always set properly. It’s lovely that you do it.

Its not always possible but my hours and working from home make it more achievable. I know its not everyone who has the time but I just felt a bit miffed to be laughed at for it by my cousin!

@LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood It does seem to elevate the everyday experience a bit and make life feel less of a drudge!

I’d love to do this more.
if your cousin is like me she might have laughed just out of amusement at the disparity with how you do things and how she does them.

she might not be judging you, I wouldn’t: I’d be more admiring of it…

I think that's lovely and why save things 'for best' when you can get pleasure from them every day? 😊

We don't do this kids, hobbies, shifts don't really allow it. However if we're staying in at the weekend, we'll get dressed up and have cocktails even if we're just sitting in the kitchen! 👗

I’d love that and would do that too except DH has a thing about wanting to eat dinner with the lights on full. I’m a candelit all the way gal myself. It takes just as long to set it up cosy and romantic as it does ‘normal’. Well done you!

@Monkeyfloor She seemed a bit judgy and rude really, especially when she's had my laptop for the past 6 months! Still I suppose it doesn't matter what she thinks about it, we like it!

@theriseandfallofFranklinSaint That sounds lovely as well, I don't drink but I like the idea of getting dressed up even if you aren't going out! Perhaps mocktail hour awaits!

We do this on Saturday night if we are staying in and Sunday we have a family roast with the kids.
Week nights are a blur of work, extra curricular clubs and chores.

It's nice to make an effort.

I make far more of an effort for me and my husband than I typically would for others because our relationship is so important to me.

We eat together every night but our thing is that one of us will tidy the sitting room, light a fire (in winter), light a candle, and the other will fix cocktails/wine and we’ll have a drink and chat together most nights after dinner. It’s nice.

@WeekWeekWeek I totally agree with you surely its the people you love and value most you make the most effort for! Obviously if people have other stuff on, especially with kids it isn't always possible but if you get the chance to do so it is really lovely!

Maybe she was just a bit embarrassed because she thought she’d burst in on a kind of date night, and just overreacted

If that's what you like to do, and have time for it, and it's a priority for you, then great. Do that. 😃

I'd actually quite like this a least a few times a week, but we don't have the time or energy at the moment.

Does he ever reciprocate? Or is it only you that “makes an effort”?

I have enough to do without worrying about candles and shit. Anyway how does that work if you have kids? Do you do two meals, wait til they’re in bed to have yours? Then do two lots of clearing up?

I get in from work, we eat, kids go to bed. We clear up and collapse on the sofa for an hour for a bit of tv.

I think it's great that you do that and hope your husband appreciates it

I throw the cutlery in the middle of the table and the baying hoards come and feast 😅🥴

I think it sounds lobrly! The only thing I would pick out of your post is that You are doing the cooking, you are doing the place setting, you are lighting the candles…please tell me DH also does all of this too and doesn’t just sit there waiting for you to cook.

@Nonamesleft1 Firstly I am unable to have children, its fine I made peace with it. Secondly it isn't a commandment its just what I like to do. I usually do it for the evening meal as I work reduced hours from home and I like to cook. DH does other things though to a similar effect.

@Freetodowhatiwant He's usually at work while I do this, he does do it at the weekend though and he does amazing brunches on days off!

Sounds lovely, life is far too short to keep things for good or special occasions.

Great if you've got a) the time and b) no kids.

I do not have kids, but I suspect if I did, I strongly suspect I wouldn't be lighting candles and smooching over a risotto every evening.

I definitely do not run around tidying up but I do cook from scratch (I like cooking) and most nights we sit down at the table to eat together. Can't say I'd be bothered about candles on the table but we do often have scented candles lit in the living room during the evening.

Sometimes we eat in front of the telly but usually if there's a particular thing we both love watching that happens to be on at the right time.

We might occasionally play a game or something, a football match or a few episodes of something together, but I wouldn't say we feel we have to do things 'together' to have quality time, if you see what I mean? Often we'll be in the room together doing different things. DP's been working away today and won't be home until round midnight, but yesterday (for example) I cooked us a meal and we ate that at the table together and then we listened to a podcast that we both like in the living room while I was doing a craft type hobby and DP was playing chess or backgammon or something on his iPad. And we shared a bottle of wine.

I think you're being a bit over-sensitive about your cousin chuckling at your at-home dinner date, to be honest. I doubt she meant to take the piss!

@ManateeFair No I wasn't being over sensitive, it was how she did it, rolling her eyes at me, rude!

@Kwam31 I agree, I used to do this but then I was ill and nearly died so now I just try and make everyday special.