Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can I ask if your happy with your life?

83 replies

Marniemo · 17/01/2024 20:35

I’m late twenties with 3 young children I work full time in a corporate role. I’m absolutely miserable. All me and hubby do is work and look forward to the weekend.

I really want to change our life but I don’t know where to start. I’ve thought about leaving UK but it seems so difficult.

curious if anyone else has these feelings or thoughts? I’m so tired of just plodding on.

OP posts:
Bubbleohseven · 18/01/2024 07:35

I think the main question seems to be could you afford to be a stay at home mum for a few years? Or, could you afford it with a few cutbacks. If so, stay at home and be with the kids.

Now we have to work until we're 67 we have PLENTY of time to pick up our careers later. I have always been a bit sceptical about the myth we're sold that it will ruin us if we take some time out of our jobs - I've known plenty of women where this hasn't been the case at all.

LorlieS · 18/01/2024 07:49

@workingitout75 Legal battles cost me literally thousands. I married an abusive narcissistic with a lot more money than me and the family courts ruled in his favour.

GabriellaMontez · 18/01/2024 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

VictoriaMum323 · 18/01/2024 07:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

GabriellaMontez · 18/01/2024 07:58

It's not black and white OP.

There are things that I'm grateful and happy about. Stuff I'm really enjoying and looking forward to.

I also have an issue that's a huge thorn in my side (work related). It's really getting me down.

Agree with pp. See a life coach. Talk through it objectively.

allthecakesinalltheworld · 18/01/2024 08:01

Not really, but anyone looking in would think I was ungrateful.

On the surface - no money worries, in a long marriage, lovely dc, part time job.

Real life - job is boring, husband doesn't want to sleep with me, house is tired and I'd like to move.

Heatherbell1978 · 18/01/2024 08:08

So moving to another country won't really change your life. You'll still have 3 young kids and presumably still need to work full time. You're just moving your existing situation somewhere else.

I think you just need to accept that working FT with young kids is hard. It sounds like you've had your kids young - so when you're my age (mid 40s) you'll have your freedom back. At your age I was living the life of Riley and have only really just come out of the exhausting years now (DC 6 and 9). I'm now planning retirement in 15 years.

Jennalong · 18/01/2024 08:09

Ask yourself , are you living your life for yourself ( by that mean also your dcs & partner) or also for those around you ?

My dcs are now quite grown up but we've never got on the bandwagon of needing a large home , newest everything , top tech , new cars , phones etc to impress those around us / keeping up with the Jones's , type of lifestyle that I see so many people aspiring to achieve.

hattie43 · 18/01/2024 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Me too.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 18/01/2024 08:35

I am and I'm not. I've always been emotionally volatile, my teens were hard because of the extremity of my emotional rollercoaster and now I'm late 30s it seems to be getting stronger again - I go from being blissfully joyful some moments to feeling a real trudging misery in others, and it's difficult to feel out solid ground. Something I try to do is really notice and appreciate the moments of happiness and pleasure, because I know they are temporary and that even if my situation changes not one iota I will eventually feel that creeping sadness. And likewise with the sadness - I've felt it sucking at my boots and then receding enough times that if I really try, I can remember this is a place I visit but don't live, and something inconsequential and unpredictable will eventually lift my spirits to the sky again, even if only for a moment.

Re the actual practicalities of my life:

I'm 40 next year, so it's safe to say that the life I'm living now is likely to be what it is for the forseeable - most of the 'big changes' have already happened and I don't see anything major changing now until I retire.

I have two young daughters who are the absolute lights of my life, their existence makes me so so happy - but the day to day business of getting them up, dressed, fed, to school/nursery, home, fed, washed, to bed can make me very exhausted and far more tetchy than I'd like to be. I feel simultaneously like I don't spend enough time with them, and like they are always there! what would be nice would be for ALL of us to have a 4 day week and a 3 day weekend - I feel for them because even more than me their waking hours are hectic because they're asleep by 8, and in the week it's all "get up! Get your clothes on! Eat your breakfast! Come on let's go to school! Right into the pram let's go pick up your sister! Come on let's get home, I have to get dinner on! Upstairs to the bath, come on! Stop mucking about and put on your pyjamas! OK just ONE more story, you need to get to bed!" I wish somehow I could give them more time, that we had more time to play together and just mosey around a bit, but without giving them less sleep than they need there's no way really. It's sad to think the most relaxing part of my eldest's day is probably when she's at after school club, not when she's at home with me :(

I have a partner who is in many ways wonderful, but very emotionally closed off and I feel the most horrible spiritual loneliness a lot of the time that I'm with him (which, being as we have kids and no outside help, is a lot of the time). I don't feel lonely when I'm alone; it's that feeling of living so intimately with someone who doesn't want to share their inner world with you, or want you to share yours with them. It's like a sort of permanent rejection and it pains me. Also he still wants a lot of sex, I am completely off it, and it causes a lot of stress between us unless we both compromise a lot, so I'd say it works out neither of us is really happy. Which is a real shame because it's nobody's fault, we're just very different people.

I have lovely friends and family but I struggle to feel at ease with anyone really, or deserving of their time and attention. It's harder to stay in touch as kids get bigger and decide who their own friends are instead of just playing with mum's friends' similar age kids! If anything would make me happier it would probably be working on closer, more confident relationships with my friends and doing more with them. I think the lemon most straight women have been sold isn't that they can 'have it all' after marriage and children, but that a man can fulfil their need for human connection - from what I see a lot of men in hetero partnerships still have themselves front and centre and lack emotional literacy and compassion, and most women get their real support and connection from other women.

I have a goodish job in a great sector working with lovely people, and it's only 4 days a week. My daughter starts pre-school in September and I'll need to decide whether to carry on having my day off, without her to look after, or to look for a full time role/try to persuade my current job to give me the other 0.2FTE. I feel like I probably ought to do the latter but don't really want to; and I've decided if I do go full time I'm going to try and climb the greasy pole and get into a management role as I don't want to be giving so much of myself to a job without making quite a bit more money.

The trouble is, deep deep down, I sometimes feel like all I want is to be left alone with my stories - I read, write, watch tv and films constantly and that's my happiest time and always has been from a child, taken out of my own world into another one. All the necessities of life and often even interacting with other people, even people I love, sometimes just feels like a series of tasks taking me away from that happy place. I imagine being older and retired, small pension, living alone in a tiny flat with a lot of books and a lot of subscription packages, happy as a little clam :P but the reality would probably be very different!

VictoriaMum323 · 18/01/2024 08:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 18/01/2024 08:40

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Can everyone try their best to ignore this irrelevant trolling? It only encourages the self-importance of people like this.

ssd · 18/01/2024 08:41

I am. Some days im happier than others but life isn't meant to be perfect

anonqrtb · 18/01/2024 08:46

I know how you feel. When i break it all down, I think i am happy - My DP is wonderful, i have a modest but lovely home, a well enough paid job that we don't struggle (but far from rolling in cash), my DD is the most precious thing on the planet, we have nice reliable cars.

But

The conveyor belt of life gets me down. Everyday having the same routine, doing the same thing over and over again. Hearing depressing things - i have the best set up i possibly could in a world that seems hell bent on being depressing.

Mischance · 18/01/2024 08:49

I’m not sure why folks are recommending cutting her hours, would they suggest that to a man, it’s like we went back a hundred years.

Yes I would - and that is exactly what my OH did. We need to get away from this slightly paranoid knee-jerk response to these discussions that assumes that women are always downtrodden - and, even worse, that looking after children is some sort of menial task that should be avoided in favour of a career.

When my OH was in exactly the same situation as the OP - stressed and miserable - we downsized house and I increased my work hours so that he could leave his medical practice and work as a free lance part time locum. It was the right decision for us all, but demanded sacrifices - we lost our lovely big house and garden for a start - we gained a healthier life balance for everyone. Thank goodness we did as he developed Parkinsons Disease and has since died. At least before that he had some good family time.

It pains me to hear the sort of stress that so many young families are enduring, based on the premise that women are now able to have careers so the should do so, even when this is creating misery for all. And always looking forward to a better time - that better time did not come for us because of the grim illness - you do not know what is round the corner. Carpe deum is a very good maxim.

OP - if you can create a better quality of life by one or other or both of you jumping off the treadmill a bit (one leave work for a while, both go part-time etc.) then do it. The children will enjoy having more of both of you and everyone would benefit from a bit of slack in the system.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 18/01/2024 08:55

Mischance · 18/01/2024 08:49

I’m not sure why folks are recommending cutting her hours, would they suggest that to a man, it’s like we went back a hundred years.

Yes I would - and that is exactly what my OH did. We need to get away from this slightly paranoid knee-jerk response to these discussions that assumes that women are always downtrodden - and, even worse, that looking after children is some sort of menial task that should be avoided in favour of a career.

When my OH was in exactly the same situation as the OP - stressed and miserable - we downsized house and I increased my work hours so that he could leave his medical practice and work as a free lance part time locum. It was the right decision for us all, but demanded sacrifices - we lost our lovely big house and garden for a start - we gained a healthier life balance for everyone. Thank goodness we did as he developed Parkinsons Disease and has since died. At least before that he had some good family time.

It pains me to hear the sort of stress that so many young families are enduring, based on the premise that women are now able to have careers so the should do so, even when this is creating misery for all. And always looking forward to a better time - that better time did not come for us because of the grim illness - you do not know what is round the corner. Carpe deum is a very good maxim.

OP - if you can create a better quality of life by one or other or both of you jumping off the treadmill a bit (one leave work for a while, both go part-time etc.) then do it. The children will enjoy having more of both of you and everyone would benefit from a bit of slack in the system.

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband. It sounds like you were a great team and I'm glad you had some quality years before he became unwell.

I think the kneejerk is reasonably justified, as in the majority of cases it's usually the woman who gives up everything to be a SAHM because the husband usually earns more. Even if married, this leaves women in a vulnerable position in the event of a split. But as you say there are other ways.

Me and DP were both part time for a while, 0.8 each, even though he does earn a bit more than me - it was the best lifestyle for both of us I think, even though as you say it did mean making some financial sacrifices. He wanted to change jobs and the role he wanted couldn't be part time, so he's full time now and it's added stress to all our lives. Plus I now have the guilt about my 'day off' once my youngest starts preschool, and feel I ought to go back full time once I am able -when really I don't want to, 4 days a week working is plenty for me and the balance feels right. I wish we could both go back to 0.8 tbh.

But never in a million years would I have sacrificed my career and earning power entirely, because you never know what the future will bring and I had to be in a position to support my children alone if it came to that. I would not have felt safe doing anything else.

Evaka · 18/01/2024 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You're embarrassing yourself.

Evaka · 18/01/2024 09:08

OP, I saw a career coach last year and she helped a lot. I'm a high earner, no kids with a nice partner but was melting down with stress. With her help I've decided to make some big career changes towards the end of this year. I'll earn less but won't be going bananas under the weight of pressure at work.

Sandtownnel · 18/01/2024 09:13

@Evaka would you mind PM the career coach you used? I'm in need of one and even posted about this recently. I'm in London though.

Op, just goes to show everyone is dealing with unhappiness in different ways. I'm a sahm, with lots of time and help and unhappy looking to get back into work! I was you, then almost burnt out but the other side isn't that happy too.

5thCommandment · 18/01/2024 09:26

Yes, not stressed, and love it.

  • we earn well, wife is sahm.
  • mortgage paid off
  • live in custom new build
  • kids drive me nuts but they're awesome, I do a lot of school runs, put downs, clubs and we recently got a tranpoline they love.
  • work for me is full on but I WFH 4 days a week and have flexible and agile working plus set my or targets. Average 5k pay rise a year over my career to date over 14yrs.

I was not happy 7/8 years back at work and quit, moved into a different field and am flying now. Huge risk but I put my health first and took s pay cut to train up for a year.
Your life is governed by your decisions. - if you don't like it make changes, otherwise things stay the same....

RoseGoldEagle · 18/01/2024 09:56

You say you’re reducing hours in April? I think that will make a big difference, it gives you room to breathe a bit, to not always spend weekends blitzing the house because you’ve no time in the week, and maybe to plan for some longer term changes. Do you enjoy your job? Do you like the area of the country you’re living in?

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 18/01/2024 10:09

Oh also my top tip - get a cleaner. It's worth sacrificing almost any other luxury if you get a good one. So much less stress, fewer arguments, more time with the kids at the weekend.

Frasers · 18/01/2024 10:13

RoseGoldEagle · 18/01/2024 09:56

You say you’re reducing hours in April? I think that will make a big difference, it gives you room to breathe a bit, to not always spend weekends blitzing the house because you’ve no time in the week, and maybe to plan for some longer term changes. Do you enjoy your job? Do you like the area of the country you’re living in?

I’m not sure what you’re saying, blitzing the house at the weekend is a two person job, both parents, not just hers as she’s a woman, so reducing her hours so she can clean during the week instead,on her own, doesn’t seem a positive to me, I’d rather be at work. Than reduce my hours to clean.

underneaththeash · 18/01/2024 10:14

I think it's just a stage to get through, I was having fun in my late 20's rather than looking after 3 children, I did that, got bored of it and then had my children in my 30's.

I would make sure that you're both having some free time at the weekend without children. Take it in turns to have a lie in. Go to the gym. make sure you have a date night with your husband regularly.

Things will get better.

piscofrisco · 18/01/2024 10:27

At your age, working and with little kids it does sort of feel like endless drudge, especially with cost of well everything.,,, it does get better as the kids get older and more independent. Hang in there....

But if you can make changes then do-cbs you condense hours or go part time to carve out a bit of space for nice things?

Swipe left for the next trending thread