Is husband being selfish about relocating

[Sugarandspice85]

Hi,
long story short my husband and I looked into relocating from the uk to nz-Hamilton, with our 3 kids (under 10) after the job offer which was very good, and once things started becoming very real I decided after all that perhaps moving from family and support wasn’t the best idea for us as a family- I find some days hard with three kids, dog, house and job and think I would’ve struggled being on the other side of the world. Also my husband was thinking ‘forever’ whilst I knew it would only be temporary- I don’t want to live on the other side of the world and never come back. I know that in my heart.
all along my husband was saying ‘it needs to be right for all of us or we don’t go, it has to be 100%’ but now he’s trying to guilt me into the move, saying that he can’t stand anything about the uk, and our life here, and that this would have been our ticket to a better new life.
for info we have a lovely (mortgaged) house in the south east, kids in good schools, nice area.
Aibu to think that he needs to see it as an opportunity that wasn’t right for us all, or am I being selfish for not sucking it up and going?

I think in January a lot of people hate the Uk.

Sounds like you need to get it clear in your heads that you can always come back if you don't like it?

I understand your fear of change as well. It's a big change, but it might be a brilliant one.

He obviously wants to move, possibly forever. You obviously don't. You both have valid reasons and are entitled to your feelings. There is no right or wrong here. You need to have an honest conversation where neither of you pussy foots around this issue and you both decide what you are going to do.

I’m surprised at the way the vote is going at the moment. How can you be being unreasonable? You don’t want to move away and there’s nothing you can do about that. He’s unreasonable to say you’re either all 100% or you won’t go because he obviously didn’t mean it.

I can see both sides here, but all I can offer you is that I moved abroad several years ago and was very reluctant for many of the reasons you mentioned. Fast forward and it's the best thing I ever did - it was hard at times, but so enriching in many ways.
In your situation I think the fair thing would be to try it for say 2 years and then review. If anyone is unhappy then you should be able to come back at that point.
From experience it takes best part of 1 year just to settle

Problem with NZ is that your DC will be automatically resident there if you split up.

I think the unreasonable part is letting it get as far as it did, before you changed your mind. In his head, your DH was already there.
My DH would love to move abroad, he's always had his heart set on it. I've always told him I won't leave my parents, which he completely understands because he sees the relationship they have with us and our DCs. So, he's never pushed it and has a 'one day' attitude about it.
So your husband is BU for not understanding your reasons, but I can see why he's still upset and pushing for it, you let it go too far.

YANBU. I'd just say "Sorry, I thought I was up for it, but now it's becoming more real, I just know I won't be able to do it. It's too much." And then just dig your heels in.

Nobody's in the wrong - it's a massive opportunity. Unfortunately it's one of those situations where there are no winners, though.

My parents moved me and sister when we were (13&8) hour and half away from hometown, have to say I've never quite forgiven them for it, in my later years now at 35 the realisation of miss time with grandparents is painful (we visit but went from seeing them 3/4 a week to 1/2 months) life gets in the way so visits are further apart
I would definitely think hard about a big move with children involed and be ready to really support the kids, I sometimes thinks as adults we forget that kids arent as emotional strong as they put outwardly, my schooling went down hill very fast after the move (my parents gave no support, we were told luckly to move to better life)
How do the kids feel about the move?
I could just be projecting 😂 but worth looking at it from that side too, Kids dont really care about more money or bigger houses

Personally I could never move to a country which has fewer people than my city. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be worried and reluctant about the massive lifestyle change that moving to NZ would be. It’s probably one of the remotest places in the world, and not very cosmopolitan. Hard to imagine after living what I assume is close to one of the biggest and most vibrant cities in Europe and in easy travel distance from many more.

I can understand him being disappointed considering that you had got as far as lining up work and it was almost within reach. But neither of you are wrong.

We moved to Australia in 2010 (since moved back) and I was very active on a forum for people that made the move. It was very clear that everybody does need to be completely up for it, maybe not 100% as it is ok to have concerns but you have to both be committed and if not the person that wants to stay put should not have their arm twisted into going.

Do not agree to go for two years as a trial. On the forum I mentioned, I saw this loads of times. A so called trial, but then one partner that refuses to leave and the other one getting stuck particularly if there are children.

If it was in Europe I'm sure you'd manage with the move Op but NZ is so far, and so different, there's no option of a quick weekend back home from there. This is one of those problems with no 50/50 solutions, only one of you can have what they want. Do bare in mind @RandomMess message- once you go there your DC become automatic citizens and you can't take them out of the country without your DH's say so, this means if you change your mind and come home your DH can refuse to let you take the DC with you.

Both adults need to be onboard to move away

Have you been to visit New Zealand yet?

Cant really vote U or not U because you both have a different, valid, viewpoint. Personally I would go in a heartbeat, but having lived overseas, I also get that it is really hard being so far from family. On reflection, I wish I had stuck it out as I had a much better quality of life there.

If you don't want to go then you aren't going. There is simply no point if your heart isn't in it.

I know people who went to Australia "permanently" and came back but oddly know no one who has gone to NZ and come back.

Though I know people from both countries who have permanently set up home in the UK.

I don't think either of you are being selfish, as there's nothing wrong with wanting to move and vice versa. I think you need many proper conversations about what you both want out of life and where compromises can be made (if at all possible).

We moved across the uk at that age and it was bad enough as a kid. Good opportunities in many ways but looking back, there would have been opportunities there too. Agree that Jan is a factor here - maybe he needs to go on winter holidays more?

Just be honest. You can’t agree to it.

Did you both have employment to go to in NZ or would you just be following him and stuck at home?

same here
know four families that went to Aus- three came back

know three families that went to NZ (Auckland and Wellington)- all still there and staying put

Sorry was being flippant and irrelevant
neither of you is unreasonable

We moved to Australia. Still here and happy.

It's tough.
lovely life but you HAVE to accept missing out on a lot of events, seeing friends and family for limited time periods and sometimes not for years.

You do both need to be similarly committed in my opinion or it will cause problems in your relationships which I have witnessed a number of times.

There are people who move and are very happy (us) but there's some that spend everyday in tears and it really effects their health.
moving back and forth costs alot . Not to mention the mess around for kids.

You're unsure and your feelings are valid so I would suggest it's not right . X

Why should you root up everything for him. Is that the best for you and the kids?

Think very carefully about this. Once there, you won't be able to come back so easily.

Let him go for 6 months to get a feel of it. You have your own agency to decide what is best for you and your children.
And if you have a great support system where you are - grand(parents), friends, job, social life (including the kids' ones) all that will drop away at the other end of the world.

Wishing you strength OP in making the right decision.

I know two who went along with their partners (one to Hamilton) and returned within weeks as they didn’t shout up early enough got carried along with it but just couldn’t do it for “ever”. A member of my family has dual nationality with their Ozzy partner & has lived in both countries for years. Both countries have pros & cons it really does come down to how much your family ties mean to you as the reality is you won’t see them very much in person once you go. During covid a relative sadly died and they couldn’t get back to Oz to say goodbye truely heart breaking stuff. So follow your wishes as both of you have valid pov.