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AIBU?

Is this normal as a new mum/parent?

28 replies

000821a · 17/01/2024 15:38

I have a one year old. I’ve enjoyed the last year mostly. But I think a LOT about my old life. I transport myself back to even baths where my home was silent, not listening out for a cry.

I remember booking flights last minute and packing hours before because I only needed to think of me. It seems like this exciting world that I desperately miss. I yearn for it.

I remember Saturdays just doing what the hell I wanted. Being able to move anywhere in the world without thinking of anyone else.

Is it normal to feel like this? Some days it even feels like grief. Like part of me is gone forever and I just want one more day like that.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

83 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
14%
You are NOT being unreasonable
86%
Fluffyc1ouds · 17/01/2024 16:01

Sounds very normal to me. I'm 6 years in and still do all of this. Most recently I was imagining how it was to get home from work and not be immediately thrown into the bathtime/bedtime routine. Before kids I could just get home after a stressful day and sit down. Bliss!

Makeitmakesensetoday · 17/01/2024 16:03

Sounds like post natal depression to me.

Singleandproud · 17/01/2024 16:05

Part of you is gone and a new part is growing in it's place. You will be able to do those things again when your child is grown but you get to experience so many other things too. Simple things the old you wouldn't have cared about like watching your child plant and nurture a sunflower and their sense of wonderment as it grows taller than them, you and possibly even the house.

Emma543 · 17/01/2024 16:06

Makeitmakesensetoday · 17/01/2024 16:03

Sounds like post natal depression to me.

You can miss your old life without it being PND…

Raisinsandweetabix · 17/01/2024 16:06

What a lovely way to put it 🩷🩷 @Singleandproud

Makeitmakesensetoday · 17/01/2024 16:10

Emma543 · 17/01/2024 16:06

You can miss your old life without it being PND…

Yes but the grief part seems extreme. As the baby is only 1 it's highly likely to potentially be an issue so it's worth the OP getting this checked.

2mummies1baby · 17/01/2024 16:41

I feel exactly the same, OP.

Whatsinaname1234 · 17/01/2024 16:45

I think its normal to feel that way. A lot of looking after a small child is drudgery and although it’s lovely, you’d need to be lobotomised to say it’s as fun or exciting as many of the things you can do pre kids.

My kids are older now, 6 and 7, and I can say the last year or two I’ve finally got over that as they are older, more fun, we have interesting conversations and can go to fun places. Now, genuinely, the fun stuff I do with the kids is a million times more fun and exciting than anything pre kids and I had a very glamorous life pre kids! Being able to take them skiing or to art galleries or have pyjama parties and watch fun movies is a million times better than endless playgroups and peppa effing pig.

it gets better promise x

35965a · 17/01/2024 16:47

To a degree it’s normal, but if it’s very often or like ‘grief’ then that’s more extreme

SpeedyDrama · 17/01/2024 16:50

It’s totally normal, I still have days like this 8 years later. I’ve separated from my kids dad, and I won’t lie, I stretch out pick up time to the last second - not because I don’t love them or want them home, but I’m soaking up every small second of ‘me time’. Not constantly worrying about what they’re doing, what they need, getting them dressed, in and out of the house without a battle, making sure teeth are brushed, only having kids tv on (I’ll make an exception for Bluey 😉). Just me, being able think, walk out of the house without hassle, have a long bath with a glass of wine. We’re allowed to miss just being ‘us’ at times.

Caiti19 · 17/01/2024 17:02

It's only been one year. It's a gargantuan life change. You'll reach a point in a few years where you struggle to remember what that freedom felt like/tasted like - but it will have become your new normal and you will no longer mourn what you have lost.

notanaturalmum · 17/01/2024 17:07

Caiti19 · 17/01/2024 17:02

It's only been one year. It's a gargantuan life change. You'll reach a point in a few years where you struggle to remember what that freedom felt like/tasted like - but it will have become your new normal and you will no longer mourn what you have lost.

Hmm I wouldn't assume everyone feels like that eventually.
I'm nearly 7 years in and whilst I have a new normal I can quite vividly remember my life before hand. I don't pine for it but I often want to live it.

What I would say OP is to try to integrate a smidgen of your old life bit by bit. Even if it's just listening to your favourite band when you're driving to play group. It's hard and it's definitely grief.
For me it has never passed but I've learnt to live with it and try to find new joys.
Forcing the kids to listen to dance music when they were babies definitely helped.

Sending you love xx

Shallana · 17/01/2024 17:18

We're currently trying to concieve our first and I am worried about this!

My plan is to try and remember that currently, I just feel a bit bored/restless/aimless in the evenings so I'm not really missing much. I could sit all evening watching TV but I don't because nothing on TV really holds my attention. I've read so much recently, I'm tired of reading. Going to the gym is a bit of a chore.

I plan to try and hold in my mind that when I do get a chance to sit down and read or watch an episode of a show or have some time to myself, I will enjoy and appreciate it so much more for it being a rarer occasion.

I think travelling is the one thing I will miss the most!

wouldthatbeworse · 17/01/2024 17:22

Normal. But do you have a partner who can share the load so you can still get out one evening a week/ the odd Saturday. The spontaneous weekend trips are gone though. You get to be your kids’ rock star (and punching bag) to make up for it .

wouldthatbeworse · 17/01/2024 17:22

Normal. But do you have a partner who can share the load so you can still get out one evening a week/ the odd Saturday. The spontaneous weekend trips are gone though. You get to be your kids’ rock star (and punching bag) to make up for it .

Jump3roo · 17/01/2024 17:23

Makeitmakesensetoday · 17/01/2024 16:03

Sounds like post natal depression to me.

No it doesn’t Confused sounds like an entirely normal reaction to a massive life change. Women can miss their pre baby lives without being mentally unwell.

Singleandproud · 17/01/2024 17:28

I read lots when DD was really little, I just read my book out loud to both of us whilst she fed.
But you have audio books now you can listen to during the day, or watching TV on an iPad with headphones on whilst getting them to sleep.

You can travel but it'll be different. If you only have one child it's alot more manageable everything becomes more difficult when you add multiple children.

Family and friends are more likely to be happy to look after one child for you to go on an adults break rather than multiples too.

If you can change your view point that parenting is an experience to be enjoyed rather than endured then you will find you don't miss your old life so much. Choosing to be happy makes a huge difference and prevents you spiralling into negativity when things get hard as it can be challenging to dig yourself back out.

THey are only little for a short amount of time. Teen DD is a delight and a fantastic companion but what I wouldn't have given to hear her toddler giggle again or for her to believe at Christmas and get excited about what Santa has brought.

Xyzagain · 17/01/2024 17:58

It means you had a good life pre kids . Your child is going to get a whole lot more interesting soon and you will enjoy doing those kinds of things with them , also just the day to day stuff too as you introduce them to the world . Some parts of motherhood is magical and some just drudgery - but so is life pre kids .

There will come a time when they move on and you will have a second chance at the carefree life you miss and then you will probably miss their toddler hood .

Don’t waste time regretting

Topbird29 · 17/01/2024 19:31

I totally get it. Its also the lack of spontaneity, having to always think of their needs first, and even just having personal space / not feel touched out! And missing the peace and quiet. For a couple of years for my birthday I had a day at a lido - a package that included a massage and lunch, then an overnight stay in a hotel, and not home until early evening next day so could do what I wanted. Was all local to me, but meant I was just responsible for me - going to bed and waking up when I wanted etc. Best present ever from DH! Is there a possibility of having a little time away from home and responsibilities with friends or own your own? Even if its just having takeaway / film night and staying at a friend's house?

Didimum · 17/01/2024 19:54

I still feel like this 6 years in. We’re going away child free for 4 nights soon and I absolutely cannot wait!!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/01/2024 20:05

Sounds totally normal to me.

I’m 15 years in!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/01/2024 20:06

And yes obviously the 15 yo in particular (and also my 10 yo) are fun and interesting now.

But I remember how it was when they were very little extremely well.

And even with older ones, that completely freedom obviously does exist.

Userxyd · 17/01/2024 21:35

Totally agree it's normal. The strength of feeling doesn't sound like PND unless you feel sometimes desperate or like you can't get out of bed. I had anxiety before my first was born and ended up watching cute baby videos to re-engage myself.
Do you do any baby classes or stuff where having a baby brings a new social life and new fun activities? Would be worth trying a few so you're not just bored and lonely x

Mercedes45 · 17/01/2024 21:37

Makeitmakesensetoday · 17/01/2024 16:03

Sounds like post natal depression to me.

That escalated quickly.

Singleandproud · 17/01/2024 23:19

What is quite funny is when glimpses of your former life shine through and suprise your children who just see you as boring ol' mum.

We were at an event in the summer and I paid for teen DD and myself to do an air rifle session (I had done lots of shooting with cadets on a range of rifles 20+ years ago). Little did I know I was still an excellent marks(wo)man and got the centre of the target everytime and DD was just looking at my 'Who even are you???!'

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