Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ignored by NCT friends

32 replies

Carrielotte · 17/01/2024 11:25

I’ve been in an NCT group for 6 years now. We don’t see each other as much now due to our kids being in school. All the other members are very close to each other, often meet up and WhatsApp each other in private conversations but it feels like I’m not wanted in the group. I work full time so don’t have time to meet up in the week.
At NCT get-togethers, I’m often ignored by a few people in the group, with not even a hello or acknowledgment at times, let alone any interest in mine or the kids’ lives. I try to say hello and make conversation and show interest in theirs but get very short answers in return. Yet they manage to chat to each other and have good banter. I’m quite a shy person generally anyway.
Am I being unreasonable by exiting the group as it feels like I’ll never be accepted. Or should I stay put for the kids’ sake as I feel I would be putting my kids at a disadvantage by leaving as they often enjoy the NCT kids events, and should I just continue putting up with this as I have done so for the past 6 years?

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 17/01/2024 11:29

Well for a start they are NOT your friends, just a very clique-y group who are making it clear that they do not consider you are a part of their group.

Leave. I doubt they will notice and your children will enjoy plenty of other social activities - just have a look around to see what's on offer locally, try local library or local FB groups.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/01/2024 11:31

I suspect the reality is that you only originally met because you all happened to be pregnant at the same time and that, now the initial “bonding over similar experiences with births and babies” stage is over, people are realising that they don’t really have enough in common to maintain lasting friendships with everyone in the group. If your life is very different to those of other group members and you aren’t able to meet up very often, that’s even less in common.

If your child is now school age, you aren’t going to disadvantage them in any way by fading away from the NCT group. Your child will have their own friends at school and through hobbies, those will be the friends they’ll want to see the most in the long run. And for you, focus on making new friendships through things you actually enjoy, where you’ll meet people you genuinely share interests and values with. Use the time you’d otherwise allocate to NCT meet ups for a new hobby of your own.

iLovee · 17/01/2024 11:38

Oh I'm sorry! There is nothing worse than feeling left out in a group 🩷

It doesn't sound like they are being cliquey to me, it just sounds like they might be better friends after 6 years? If you have been working full time since your child was a baby they probably have spent more time together as you've been at work. Same as spliter WhatsApp groups - one was probably made for a certain event"and was used to plan things with the people who can make the meetups during the week?

The way they treat you in a group setting is horrible though and there is no excuse for it. I'm so sorry!

For me, it would depend on how close friends my kids are with theirs. If they are best friends I would suck it up, but if they just sort of play together because their all together I would call it a day I think.

Really hope you are okay! It's a horrible situation to be in, reminds me of school 🩷🩷🩷

Original poster
Carrielotte · 17/01/2024 11:40

Thanks. The awkward thing is two of the mums have kids going to the same school as my DC, so I’ll always run into them at pick-ups/drop-offs. So I’m not sure how I fade away from the group now :(

OP posts:
FranticHare · 17/01/2024 11:40

Some NCT groups meet, bond, and end up in the same nursing home together. Others meet, are important support for each other, but disappear out of each others lives quite quickly
Many NCT groups never bond to begin with

Mine was the middle option - I think of them fondly, and sometimes I see photos looking back and I smile. But I don't speak to any of them 13 years on. We've all moved away as well which never helps.

You were only thrown together because of when you were due to give birth at the same time - doesn't mean you will be friends forever.

Choose the ones you want to stay in touch with, and focus on them, and ignore the others. Not worth the head space. Your kids are unlikely to notice...

Jellycats4life · 17/01/2024 11:40

Sack them off. Neither you nor your kids need NCT meet ups anymore. Concentrate on school friendships instead.

FranticHare · 17/01/2024 11:42

Carrielotte · 17/01/2024 11:40

Thanks. The awkward thing is two of the mums have kids going to the same school as my DC, so I’ll always run into them at pick-ups/drop-offs. So I’m not sure how I fade away from the group now :(

No need to be rude, just be busy!

What a shame, I can't make that date, cousin Maude is having a party we've already said yes too. Do have a lovely time!

TheCosyRain · 17/01/2024 11:42

If it’s not making you feel good, leave.

I’m 1 year in with my NCT group. I’ve made one close friendship. We all/most of us meet up every so often but ultimately I predict we will drift. We’re quite a varied bunch. I struggle with a couple of them even though they are pleasant enough.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/01/2024 11:45

Carrielotte · 17/01/2024 11:40

Thanks. The awkward thing is two of the mums have kids going to the same school as my DC, so I’ll always run into them at pick-ups/drop-offs. So I’m not sure how I fade away from the group now :(

If they rarely talk to you at meet ups anyway, I can’t imagine they’re going to be very invested in you just fading away. Just have other plans whenever a meet up is suggested, and continue to smile and say hello politely when you see them at school.

LadyLucksalot · 17/01/2024 11:50

Oh OP - I remember this situation very clearly. I was you. Ignored by the majority of the group who all set up regular meetings without me. Apart from one lady who I chatted to. I plucked up the courage to see if she fancied a coffee and took it from there. We're still friends, many years later!

I know these things hurt, especially after having a baby and being at your most vulnerable, but don't give these people a second thought.

Enjoy your baby. You will find your own tribe with time.

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 17/01/2024 11:52

I was sidelined from my group because I was the only one that went back to work full time. It is what it is. I’d move on.

Feraldogmum · 17/01/2024 11:52

Why bother with them ,they’re rude and have made a point of excluding you. As for attending the same school,you don’t have to even acknowledge them. If they say hello,politely say hi back, if you feel like it ,no other explanation is required.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/01/2024 11:53

Not U at all to leave. 6 years is a very long run for an NCT group - those groups who stay friends for life are probably very rare.

Letting it quietly drop is probably the best thing if you run into two of them at the school.

Kalodi · 17/01/2024 11:57

Just wanted to say you're not alone in this, I experience similar in mine. I've tried numerous times the past year to meet up, suggested day trips etc in the main group chat but always ignored then see some of them out with each other via FB (in fairness it's never the whole group on these day trips but I was the only one not invited to a wedding). I also had a recent birthday milestone ignored whilst for everyone else's we all chipped in to get something for them to celebrate.

Like you, I find conversations difficult with them and I've realised it's because of my own children that I've kept trying more than anything else (mine are older than yours)

DH has said its likely because we are all in different stages of our lives, have different life experiences etc. Those things just sometimes make it easier to click with others. I know theres been a few times I struggled with a few reminising conversations as I am approx 10years younger, as an example, aolnother example is I'm new to this area of the country whereas they all grew up here.

I've chosen to stay in the main WhatsApp group purely because I don't want to create a scene by leaving,ain't case we do bump into each other and I haven't any bad feelings towards them. Would you be able to just stay to keep the peace but maybe mute the conversation? That's what I've done now.

Musicaltheatremum · 17/01/2024 11:57

My pre birth group I left when the kids were 3 though still got Christmas cards from a couple until last year (kids now 30!)

The post natal group that I met I am still friends with 2 ladies and we meet once a month or so. So friends for 30 years and they came to my second wedding 18 months ago. As someone said, you've just been thrown together and sometimes it doesn't work.

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 17/01/2024 11:58

I think in some cases NCT attracts a certian type of parent. In my case (and yours it sounds) it attracted cliquey bullies. I realised within 6 months I was not their type of person and the bullying and attitude wasn't worth it. I left the group chat and never looked back.

Leave. Not worth your mental health. I'm sure you kids enjoyed other activites too. Just be polite to the nct mums if you see them, but don't go out of your way to socialise with them.

WhoIsnt · 17/01/2024 11:58

Absolutely leave the group - I was a lurker in a group for a good two years, when I left I felt better. They're probably just closer after spending more time together - don't take it personally, but also don't waste your energies on them any longer. Spend it on new groups and meeting new people.

"I'm doing a cull of my WhatsApp groups for a notification detox - so I'm going to leave this group now, but hopefully bump into you all in person soon! Lots of love, Carrielotte"

BlueGrey1 · 17/01/2024 12:01

Can you stay in the group but only go to the very occasional get together

hopeishere · 17/01/2024 12:04

Just leave. If they / you want to pick things up when the kids are at school fine but otherwise what are you getting from it?

HavfrueDenizKisi · 17/01/2024 12:11

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 17/01/2024 11:58

I think in some cases NCT attracts a certian type of parent. In my case (and yours it sounds) it attracted cliquey bullies. I realised within 6 months I was not their type of person and the bullying and attitude wasn't worth it. I left the group chat and never looked back.

Leave. Not worth your mental health. I'm sure you kids enjoyed other activites too. Just be polite to the nct mums if you see them, but don't go out of your way to socialise with them.

NCT attracts cliquey bullies does it? What a ridiculous sweeping statement Confused.

Some groups all click and others don't OP. And some are a mix of in between.

I'm still in touch with 4 from our NCT and we meet up regularly as we all still live in the same area. One of those ladies I'm particularly close to and see much more often. A couple of the others pulled back from the group once kids started school and one moved a distance away. I still see some of these people around and we always have a very friendly chat. But we don't make effort to see each other as we were more different.

Your kids will make other lasting friendships through school so I'd just politely decline any invites if you're not enjoying or feeling included. No need to leave the group if you don't want to draw attention to yourself. And a friendly hello when you bump into them out and about.

Hillarious · 17/01/2024 12:11

The group I know from when the kids were little still gets together twice a year - to camp in the late summer and to go for a walk at New Year, sometimes with the kids, who are now well into their twenties. We've all moved on from the group which did toddler groups together and got other much closer friends as our children have gone on to make their own friends outside what was originally quite a tight group.

At the moment, I think you're overthinking the relationship you have with the NCT group. It's fine to ignore messages and events, but still get involved at the level you want because of the kids. I was a stay at home mum and never really got to know the parents who worked, as they weren't around in the playground at the end of the school day, but I didn't think any less of them I just didn't know them as well, but one of them is now one of my closet friends as our paths have crossed more as the kids have got older.

Pinkyhere · 17/01/2024 12:21

Was going to say leave, until you mentioned your kids will be going to same school.
Can you archive so that you don't have to see the messages but also don't have to worry about looking rude for leaving.
Also, that feeling of being left out is awful. Easier said than done, but try not to take it personally

ColleenDonaghy · 17/01/2024 12:22

Friendships evolve. Just take a step back and be friendly when you see them. They don't want to have a close relationship for whatever reason so just move on rather than torturing yourself.

Spinet · 17/01/2024 12:25

Find a different group and fade this one out, but be very friendly to the ones who have kids at your kids' school when you see them. That might mean going up tp them deliberately and saying hello for the first few times after you leave the group (by which I assume you mean WhatsApp group).

You don't have to put up with it if it makes you feel crap and the kids will make new friends at school anyway. NCT is for support - I found my group very supportive/helpful - but if it doesn't do that it is of no use to you. You don't have to feel bad about that.

Excited101 · 17/01/2024 13:18

You say you’re shy op, but you’ve known these women 5 years- presumably you do chat to them, engage, ask questions, joke…?

Swipe left for the next trending thread