Or are my parents?

[Halfmanhalfcake]

So for as long as I can remember if something bad happens to someone I know, my parents have always said “don’t take it on”.

For example, an old friend of mine died before Christmas and when I told my dad his. Immediate response was “that’s sad but dont take it on”.

For context I’m not some emotionally fragile , hyper sensitive individual. On the other hand I do like to think that I’m an empath at least. To be feeling something when a friend dies is normal, and I don’t need to be warned about that.

Even as a kid I remember telling my parents about stuff that happened with friends and it was always the same responses “don’t take it on” or “you’re so sensitive”. Honestly this is not my recollection of myself at all (or at least I wasn’t outside the realms of normal teenage girl emotional responses). I get warning your kids about getting sucked into emotional drama etc. Maybe they just worded it badly?

I just find it weird. Like what do they think is going to happen to me if I “take it on”.

My parents are nice people, I just find this so weird.

YABU to describe yourself as an empath. Empaths are from Betazed.

That’s me @Hermittrismegistus 😂

You can’t describe yourself as an empath and claim you’re not overly sensitive.

There’s a reason your parents, who’ve known you all your life, suggest you don’t get overly involved in other people’s stuff. It sounds like it comes from a good place.

It’s shortcut for saying I like to think I give a shit about people. I don’t go round calling myself an empath in real life, but thanks for your input @Itslegitimatesalvage

I genuinely don’t get involved in other peoples lives, in fact I’d say I do the opposite. I run away at the first hint of drama and am not in the least bit confrontational. I don’t dwell on other peoples misfortunes at all.

Maybe your parents feel you're over sensitive. Maybe they are blunted from their own experiences. Maybe it's just a turn of phrase and isn't meant the same way you're hearing it.

If you have a good relationship, can't you ask them?

Empathy is good though. I think "an empath" brings... extreme?... connotations, but I take you to mean it in the sense that you have empathy, which I hope most people would agree is good. I wonder whether your parents are very unemotional people?

Sure, I get that. Bad choice of words. I mean I have empathy, in the sense that if my friend dies I feel sad for their family and other friends. I wouldn’t say I dwelt on it, or obsessed over it, or tbh even talked about it.

The term empath makes me cringe. I have only ever heard it used in real life by people who are smug and self involved! So please stop using that ridiculous term. You aren’t a character in a Star Trek movie.

it is of course perfectly normal to feel sympathy for others. But do you let this emotion consume you - do you tell people how much you feel? Do you claim you are hit harder than most people and therefore switch the focus from the person who is suffering to you? Do you get caught up in other people’s drama?

or are your parents cold?

no one can tell you which it is. But we can tell you empaths belong in sci fi movies!

You're not an empath though? Just someone with empathy?

I wonder if your parents feel your pain themselves, and so they are trying to protect themselves as well as you?

I know that when my dc are going through a painful experience I can sometimes find it more unbearable than when it is happening to me, because I feel so helpless. My parents used to do similar to yours op - they would tell me not to feel sad or that ‘it’s ok now let’s forget about it.’ Tbh that’s my instinct with my dc too but because I remember how shit that was I try to stay with their sadness and help them through it

im so sorry about your friend

Isn't it nice advice to say 'don't make some one else's worries your own.' ? We all have enough to worry about as it is, without adding to it.

Thing is. We don't know op. We don't know you. We don't know your parents.

Maybe your parents aren't comfortable with emotion. One thing that modern parenting advice covers is that it's important to be comfortable with your child's emotions . My parents, though they certainly meant well, didn't subscribe to that and were very much "stop crying, it's fine, don't fuss, just get on with it" . Don't know if it's an age thing, probably to an extent. Maybe yours are the same? I must say I'd find it very annoying to be to be dismissed in this way if a friend had just died! I don't tell my parents anything bad that happens in my life as a result of how they were, even though we have an otherwise good relationship. I don't want to be told to cheer up and get on with it just after splitting up with a long term partner.

The Reply button on here doesn't work, OP.

You need to click on the three dots and select QUOTE.

If you don't, the thread becomes a series of unrelated posts which are hard to follow.

Just wanted to say sorry for the loss of your friend. Maybe your parents can't deal with displays of emotion and their reaction is to do with that rather than with you. Mine couldn't cope if I or any of my subs were upset and it wasn't because they didn't care, they just couldn't deal with it

Saying that you’re understanding and can empathise with people is very different from saying “I see myself as an empath.” That has very defined connotations to it, and makes you sound like a wailing drama Queen who takes other people’s moments and makes them about you.

Given your parents advice to you whenever something emotional happens to someone, I’m inclined to think they know something about your reactions and are trying to keep you from being overly involved when the tragedy isn’t yours.

No it's not nice at all. You don't solve any problems by telling someone to stop worrying. That just means you can't be bothered to listen. You solve problems by listening and caring. A close friend just dying hardly counts as someone else's problem anyway.

Recently friends have told me all kinds of things from husbands abusing them to serious illness. These are not my problem but they still make me feel sad. If they didn't I wouldn't be human.

I made a mistake! I’m categorically NOT sn empath. I just meant I feel empathy that is all.

I wonder if you’re right @Snowpake and it’s more about them feeling scared and worried.

I can’t overstate how I never get involved in drama or let emotions consume me. When I’m with friends they always complain that I never talk about what’s going on in my life. So unless I’ve had a totally personality change (and amnesia) from when I was a kid I honestly don’t know what their motivation is. I suspect @Snowpake might have it right though.

Thank you@Kingsleadhat . I think you might also be right.

Yea pretty cringe. Referto yourself as an empath says a lot

You have empathy…but not for your parents it seems.

Since this is something they have said to you from the time you can remember, I'd be inclined to believe there was reason for them to use that phrase all the time. We all change as we grow up. Perhaps now you aren't as sensitive as you were when you were young.

It sounds like they are the sensitive ones so are anxious about you getting involved.
My MIL is like that.
She actually told my DH, her furst comment on learning the news, when my dad suddenly dropped dead and we had to go over there to help my terminally ill mum to whom he had been a carer... "don't take on too much"
My DH was astonished. What a deeply unhelpful unsupportive comment. Some people get so consumed by their own anxiety they just shut down and want anyone they care about to avoid absolutely anything which might be stressful. It's about them not you.

That’s very much the kind of thing my parents might say @Alloftheskies