Mother told someone about my miscarriage that I specifically asked her not to tell

[Chattycatt]

I will try to keep this short but it’s very difficult!

My sibling is an aggressive, hostile messed up individual. He barely went to school, dropped out of college after a few weeks, didn’t get a job (part time) until he was in his mid twenties and has left a trail of destruction with most people he’s met - including me. He has a massive ego, his behaviour is hard to believe. I’ve been really happy in my life and worked hard to have what I have - I have a husband, lovely friends, career etc. I’ve never heard my parents tell him off in my entire life or disagree with him or give any constructive feedback. He truly believes he’s better than everyone. Anyway as we got older his negativity and comments started to irk me so I spoke out and we didn’t speak since. My parents enabled this and have actually seen him being horrible to me when I’ve been friendly and they’ve still not intervened, to the point I’ve stayed away at Christmas for years and they never even invited me or my husband. About 6 months ago my grandmother died and I had to see him at the funeral. I put my arms around him and hugged him and then I set up a WhatsApp group for the whole family with a lovely message about forgiveness etc. He never wrote in the group and he never contacted me. I was so shocked how angry and bitter he looked at the funeral, he is a very unhappy individual.

Anyway, I deleted the WhatsApp group after two months and carried on enjoying my life. I found out I was pregnant (after a lot of health problems) and so at 10.5 weeks I told my parents on a video call. I begged them not to tell anyone at all until I was past 12 weeks in case something happened. They promised they wouldn’t tell anyone. The very next day I suffered a horrendous miscarriage where I was in A&E and had surgery. I told them what happened and asked them to come and see me. This was a few weeks before Christmas.

When they saw me they said ‘we were going to invite you and your husband for Christmas this year but then all this happened’. I thought it was such an odd thing to say as it had become normal to them that I never go home for Christmas and they never even ask me what I’m doing for Christmas. Also I don’t understand how me having a miscarriage a month before Christmas changes that? Anyway I decided to approach them about this comment when they had returned home as I had been thinking about it and my dad got super defensive and started posting all his problems and my mum said ‘well I’m the worst mother in the world aren’t I ‘. Neither of them actually explained what they meant.

Then my mother casually texts me to tell me that she’s been so upset about my miscarriage that she had to tell my brother about it. I rang her immediately crying (bearing in mind I was less than two weeks into my recovery at this point) and I asked her why she did this and she said she had to tell him, then I screamed at her that it wasn’t her information to tell and what about my husband as it’s his private information to, and she replied with ‘well that’s that then’.

No apology. No remorse. I’m in utter disbelief she told him after I specifically asked her not to. They promised they wouldn’t tell anyone about my pregnancy, to me that doesn’t change because I had a miscarriage and it’s not her decision who should know. For me it feels like a complete disregard for my feelings and my husbands. She didn’t need to tell him - we all live hundreds of miles apart and she has seen me give olive branches in the past and seen how he has responded. She then texts me excitedly to say ‘he wants to reconcile and not just because of what’s happened to you’. As if I would want to talk to him when I’m recovering from a miscarriage? I’ve been so ill and not had a proper conversation with him in about seven years.

I'm absolutely disgusted with her and haven’t spoken to her since. Neither of my parents wished me merry Christmas or happy new year and haven’t even asked how I am in 4 weeks - knowing all of what I’ve gone through. Would love other people’s thoughts on this because I can’t imagine why a mother would treat a daughter like this. My friends and colleagues have been better checking in on me after what’s happened than my own family.

Yikes I’d be going no contact OP I’m so sorry. Sounds like a toxic family environment you’re better off out of.

Thank you - what’s OP mean sorry?

OP is Original Poster - i.e. it's you, @Chattycatt

Ahhh thanks!!

They sound utterly toxic and total enablers.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Also I want to say the reason I speak about his background is to demonstrate that he always thinks he’s better than everyone hence not holding down relationships whether it be personal or work related. I’m not saying I’m better than him with my achievements but I think it’s important to show how miserable he is and how he treats people because I believe it’s all linked

Thank you so much, it’s bad enough with them at normal times but I didn’t think they could or would be this bad during the worst few months of my entire life. It’s unbelievable and their behaviour makes me feel like I’m going crazy but there hasn’t been a single person I’ve told who thinks their behaviour is acceptable

I’m sorry for you loss.
You asked them not to mention you were pregnant, in case something then happened. Something sadly did happen, maybe they didn’t realise the pregnancy then still needed to be kept secret?
when you had a MC you asked for their support, Maybe they needed support too?
Im wondering if your grief is causing you to focus disproportionately on being ‘wronged’, although your family history is certainly contributing.
TBF after you screamed at her I’m wondering why you are expecting her to be the one to reach out to you, did you wish them a happy Christmas?

FWIW I have an excellent relationship with my DM, she brushed off my 4 IVF mc’s. Most people did, presumably because no one knew what to say.

I think it's important that you outline exactly how you feel to your mother and tell her how much her actions have hurt you. I would maybe even block her after sending a message as I wouldn't be interested in a reply but you might feel relieved knowing you've laid it all out clear.

Thank you - you too 🥺

I totally get what you’re saying and I told her it was okay to tell her female friends as I knew she would feel upset for my loss. I don’t understand her telling the one person who has caused me so much unhappiness and who she has seen be horrible to me. That’s what I have an issue with. He never came to my wedding and isn’t part of my life so it makes no sense, especially when she said she wouldn’t tell him…

I didn’t wish them Merry Christmas because she broke my trust and added stress to an already stressful time of my life.

Firstly, I'm sorry for your loss OP. It sounds traumatic and I hope you are doing ok in your recovery.

I think it was a bit naive of you to expect your mum to be reasonable after outlining the back story of your relationship.

She's not normal so asking her to behave like a normal person was never going to happen. I think you need to do some considering on why you are expecting your parents to be people that they have demonstrated they are not and never will be. You are just setting yourself up for heartache and disappointment.

I think information diet for them from now on. They obviously prioritise your brother and somehow you need to come to terms with that. I don't know how, it all sounds very upsetting but they will continue to upset you unless you can somehow take control.

Best of luck OP

What’s the outcome you want from this situation ?

I'm very sorry for your loss OP.
I think, if you feel up to it, that you should tell your mum and dad what you told us in the OP - not all the detail about your brother, but how they have made you feel about everything over the years.

Tell them that you don't feel as though your relationship is in a good place right now, and that it would be better for you all to have space from each other. and then mute them. Don't wait for a reply. (or let your DH read it and decide if you should see it)

Then just step away, very very very low contact (pretty much NC) and see how you feel after 6, 12, 18 months. Keep your brother on the block list.

And let them come to you. If they do, meet for coffee somewhere neutral, maybe where you don't know anyone. And if they upset you, tell them you're stepping away again. tbh you're better off without them in your life, sad as that sounds.

I think this is the wrong time to think about this, when you’re grieving and emotional.

You do sound as if you’re jumping on every little thing — I don’t understand, for instance, why you started questioning them about why they’d said they’d planned to invite you and your DH for Christmas after they’d come hundreds of miles to see you after your MC? It seems to me a fairly innocuous thing to say, especially if it would be unusual for you to spend Christmas together — you say in your post you hadn’t been invited for years. They say they’d planned to invite you, and you seem to have got angry.

i don’t blame you for being upset your DM told someone about your MC (my own mother shared a lot of gynaecological details of my problem birth with her neighbours, who then asked me about it when I visited) but surely you knew it was a possibility they would have told your brother about the pregnancy at some point. You’d specified not to tell anyone till you’d passed 12 weeks in case something went wrong. I suppose it’s possible she felt that stipulation was now void after the pregnancy had ended, was upset and blurted? Also possible she’s trying to mend bridges between you and was hoping this would do it?

Are you angrier that she told or that she told your brother?

So sorry for your loss.

i had a situation (much less painful than your situation) where I had a surprise pregnancy many years ago (miscarried at 12 weeks)
I am not close to my mum - not brought up
by her. I told her about the pregnancy - thought I ‘should’ no idea why!
I also told her that my bf and I weren’t telling people and it wasn’t common knowledge. For some reason she thought that meant she could tell her friends. I hadn’t told most of mine but she told people I didn’t know or barely knew and wasn’t discreet about it.

As horrible as it is, I think a lot of people dont see mc in the same way and tend to be quite dismissive of how you feel afterwards. I think they probably thought that it was now ok to talk about - and if it was ok to tell some people, it would be ok to tell anyone. As others have said, go light on what you tell them, and if they ask why, tell them it is obviously too much to expect them to keep secrets. I am sorry, it sounds like a very painful family dynamic. And sorry for your loss.

I’m sorry for your loss, and I agree with previous poster about trimming down the info you share with your parents going forward. It doesn’t sound like you have a great relationship, so assume anything you tell them will become common knowledge and limit it accordingly.

Your mum clearly can’t see any fault in your brother and so felt it was family news she could discuss with him, despite your request. We have someone in our family who does this, and despite repeatedly asking them not to share news, they always do, so we now only share what we’re comfortable with becoming public as they manage to tell wider family and even neighbours every bit of news, good or bad.
Also, it was probably a mistake to tell her she could discuss with female friends, because she will just think what’s the difference with your brother then, with rose tinted glasses.

You can’t control how others behave, and they’re unlikely to change, so you can only alter how you behave around them.

My Mum did this during my miscarriages and ivf. So the very next time she didn’t get to find out I was pregnant until after my 20 week scan.

Thank you so much. What you’ve written is exactly what my husband says. I think I try to make them into something they’re not and have this picture in my head of what it could be like if they behaved differently but they don’t and I need to accept it.

They definitely prioritise my brother, I could list so many examples of this. I would be here all day and night.

I can’t imagine telling them anything of worth ever again to be honest. This time it feels like they’ve gone too far

I’m accepting they won’t change and it’s who they are, many of my friends think they’re narcissistic parents and some of these friends know them from being in school with me so have been around our house over the years etc so I’m trying to find a way to accept it and not care so much and also I would love to understand why they prioritise his feelings over mine. Is it because he’s the older one, is it because he’s a male etc. My best friend thinks it’s because he’s so unhinged they’re afraid to be anything other than accepting with him. To put it into context, his ex girlfriend ended up suicidal in hospital.

I suspec they tell him absolutely everything you tell them and they talk about it at length.

I'd not bother with them anymore, they don't seem able to be the parents you deserve. Don't tell them anything you don't want your brother to know. Assume that every conversation you have with them is relayed to him and dissected.

I say this because what you've described sounds just like some extended family members of mine and I watched from the sidelines as a child as they absolutely tore their scapegoat apart. As soon as I had the choice, I stopped seeing them.

I can understand what it looks like but the reason I jumped on the invite to Christmas is that it seemed so disingenuous and like they were using my tragedy. Almost like it wasn’t a real invite because they never do and they screwed up their own lie by saying to me ‘we were going to ask you on the 1st of December but then this happened’ when in actual fact on the 1st of December I rang them on video telling them my good news and they didn’t mention Christmas or even ask what I was going to do for Christmas. My miscarriage happened the next day at night. So it was a very odd thing for them to say to me - in my opinion. Also it implies the invite is no longer valid because I miscarried - as I say just a very odd way of being? My husband believes it to be BS because if they had planned to invite me on the 1st then being on video and telling them they’re having their first grandchild would have been a wonderful way to say come for Christmas? I actually wasn’t even angry, I asked them in a calm and perplexed manner.

Im sorry to hear your mother shared your information too, I knew she would tell him at some point but I wanted to be in a comfortable stage of my pregnancy (past 12 weeks for me). Also, it’s not even like she spoke to me first, she could have easily said ‘look I want to tell him, I think he should know’ etc but she didn’t even think of me. And I find it disgusting that she would try to use my miscarriage to bring us together, if that’s the case she’s basically saying he’s only going to talk to you and be a normal human being if you’ve suffered a tremendous loss.

fundamentally my feelings and how it would impact me never came into any of her actions…

Thank you. Yeah will definitely leave out the detail about my brother, the sad part is that for years - literally years, I’ve had so many chats with them both and it’s fallen on deaf ears. I don't understand how they can watch his behaviour in person and think it’s acceptable - they honestly can’t see anything wrong with him yet so many people including myself do. If it was my kid I’d be thinking hang on he has no friendship group, no partner, no steady work… it’s crazy. He’s 37 by the way it’s not like he’s a moody teenager!

I love your advice - low to zero contact and he will definitely remain blocked. I don’t have the energy for any of them anymore.

thank you 🙏🏻

I feel for you OP. I have a brother that sounds similar and for some reason he has always been my mum's favourite. He treats her terribly, but she is always hopeful that he will change. He has hurt and damaged our family beyond repair. I have very little contact with him now. Mostly for my own mental health. Agree with others about low contact and not telling your mum things you wouldn't want shared. So hard not to have the kind of family you would like.

I’m so sorry to hear you had to deal with this - like it’s not challenging enough. I’m doing IVF next - she won’t be knowing anything.