Mother told someone about my miscarriage that I specifically asked her not to tell

[Chattycatt]

I will try to keep this short but it’s very difficult!

My sibling is an aggressive, hostile messed up individual. He barely went to school, dropped out of college after a few weeks, didn’t get a job (part time) until he was in his mid twenties and has left a trail of destruction with most people he’s met - including me. He has a massive ego, his behaviour is hard to believe. I’ve been really happy in my life and worked hard to have what I have - I have a husband, lovely friends, career etc. I’ve never heard my parents tell him off in my entire life or disagree with him or give any constructive feedback. He truly believes he’s better than everyone. Anyway as we got older his negativity and comments started to irk me so I spoke out and we didn’t speak since. My parents enabled this and have actually seen him being horrible to me when I’ve been friendly and they’ve still not intervened, to the point I’ve stayed away at Christmas for years and they never even invited me or my husband. About 6 months ago my grandmother died and I had to see him at the funeral. I put my arms around him and hugged him and then I set up a WhatsApp group for the whole family with a lovely message about forgiveness etc. He never wrote in the group and he never contacted me. I was so shocked how angry and bitter he looked at the funeral, he is a very unhappy individual.

Anyway, I deleted the WhatsApp group after two months and carried on enjoying my life. I found out I was pregnant (after a lot of health problems) and so at 10.5 weeks I told my parents on a video call. I begged them not to tell anyone at all until I was past 12 weeks in case something happened. They promised they wouldn’t tell anyone. The very next day I suffered a horrendous miscarriage where I was in A&E and had surgery. I told them what happened and asked them to come and see me. This was a few weeks before Christmas.

When they saw me they said ‘we were going to invite you and your husband for Christmas this year but then all this happened’. I thought it was such an odd thing to say as it had become normal to them that I never go home for Christmas and they never even ask me what I’m doing for Christmas. Also I don’t understand how me having a miscarriage a month before Christmas changes that? Anyway I decided to approach them about this comment when they had returned home as I had been thinking about it and my dad got super defensive and started posting all his problems and my mum said ‘well I’m the worst mother in the world aren’t I ‘. Neither of them actually explained what they meant.

Then my mother casually texts me to tell me that she’s been so upset about my miscarriage that she had to tell my brother about it. I rang her immediately crying (bearing in mind I was less than two weeks into my recovery at this point) and I asked her why she did this and she said she had to tell him, then I screamed at her that it wasn’t her information to tell and what about my husband as it’s his private information to, and she replied with ‘well that’s that then’.

No apology. No remorse. I’m in utter disbelief she told him after I specifically asked her not to. They promised they wouldn’t tell anyone about my pregnancy, to me that doesn’t change because I had a miscarriage and it’s not her decision who should know. For me it feels like a complete disregard for my feelings and my husbands. She didn’t need to tell him - we all live hundreds of miles apart and she has seen me give olive branches in the past and seen how he has responded. She then texts me excitedly to say ‘he wants to reconcile and not just because of what’s happened to you’. As if I would want to talk to him when I’m recovering from a miscarriage? I’ve been so ill and not had a proper conversation with him in about seven years.

I'm absolutely disgusted with her and haven’t spoken to her since. Neither of my parents wished me merry Christmas or happy new year and haven’t even asked how I am in 4 weeks - knowing all of what I’ve gone through. Would love other people’s thoughts on this because I can’t imagine why a mother would treat a daughter like this. My friends and colleagues have been better checking in on me after what’s happened than my own family.

Op, you have to let the idea of what your family 'should' be like go. It will never be that. I don't have contact with my Mum and many years ago I went through what I can only describe as a period of grief. I was sad for the way she treated me, what I should have had and how I should have been cared for.

And then I let it go. Honestly, best decision ever. Some people will say that they could never, ever treat their parents this way. I'm fairly sure that these people have never had a parent make you feel like crap for their whole lives. Your friends and partner sound lovely. You should spend your energy on them and not the people who treat you like rubbish.

I’m very sorry for your loss and yes, your parents have behaved badly.

I think you’ve nailed it when you say they are afraid of what he could do if they provoke him. He clearly has many issues and as his parents they will still love and care for him and possibly feel responsible for the way he is.

You are obviously well adjusted and successful and therefore, in their eyes, in less need of their protection when he treats you badly.

It all sounds very difficult and most unlikely that you and your brother will ever be close. Tolerating each other when absolutely necessary is maybe more realistic.

Your parents do sound stuck in a difficult position. They will likely continue to prioritise him. You would probably be safest to accept this (maybe with some counselling) and decide on what level of contact you think works for you.

Lastly, the WhatsApp about forgiveness may well have come from a good place but I can also see that to others it could have been provocative. You’ll never know the full story as to what your brother’s experiences are but they don’t seem to have been good and that is worthy of at least recognition.

Best wishes going forward.

V sorry about your loss.

suggest a look at the ‘stately homes’ threads on MN, about problem families! Lots of resources and good posts.

Joins the thread, stands next to @Blueeyes13 and all the others with Brother Golden balls.

It took me a long time to really name how my parents treated me. It's very useful your friends and DH saying what they see. I had in my head how I wanted it to be but it's never worked out.

I keep my mum on an information diet, talk in generalized ways because she really does wrinkle out every connection and throw it back later.

Try not to let your guard down, sorry for your loss, it's very hard losing anything much longer for. I was surprised how emotional I was rather than being rational like my mum wanted.

As my mum has aged it's become more and more obvious, I did have to listen to 34 minutes today of praise for Golden balls but the evidence is more and more sketchy as he ages. Apparently he went out to meet friends for coffee and play pool, which sounds like the 1950s rather than got steaming drunk and picked a fight.

It has helped me be a better parent to my own kids, more patient, more supportive, less about me, made them the centre of their universe.

Best wishes

Statley homes thread for you op. Check it out.

They sound awful, go no contact or extremely low contact if you can't go no contact. So sorry families can be awful.

Hi OP just to let you know Reply doesn't work on here so if you use it people can't see who you are replying to and it's hard to follow the conversation.

If you go to the three dots then use Quote it actually replies to that post. Or copy the specific bit you want and paste that into your post between asterisks so it's bolded.

Omg thanks for letting me know! haha I’m new to this 👀

I totally empathise, I find it so bizarre how they can be favourites when they cause so much misery and pain. You have to prioritise your mental health, I will be doing the same. Isn’t it so hard not having the family you would like, it’s a really hard situation to accept. That’s awful your brother treats your mum badly, mine is no better. It’s like she’s totally blind to who he really is, so is my dad to be fair

How bright is your mum?

You're going to have to come to some acceptance that you cannot tell them anything private and that they're all dickheads.
You can't change any of them. You can only decide how much you can tolerate them and their bullshit in your lives. Maybe no-contact is extreme, but very low contact is a bit less final and dramatic. Your mum will probably always have a fantasy that her children will get on.

I'm no contact with my family - much better for my mental health. I honestly don't even know if my mother is alive or dead. It's worth considering

Sorry for your loss op.. Beware of ever telling her anything ever again. And remember going forward if you have dc they certainly don't need abusive dgps like them. Having dc of your own won't change them.
Ime.
Been nc with dps for 20 years df - and 12 dm.

Thank you, it’s reassuring to hear you managed to let it go regarding the relationship with your mum- I’m getting there but not quite there just yet. I totally agree when you say some people say they could never treat their parents that way but they haven’t got parents like us and the issues we have. Some acquaintances look at me shocked when I say I don’t go home for Christmas etc but why would I walk into an environment where I’m treated badly. They could never understand. Their behaviour has genuinely given me anxiety in the past so I stopped going.

Did your mum try to reach out to you or did you or did you block?

The thing is when I don’t involve them I have less stress… so I totally understand what you’re saying. I feel like life is hard enough without allowing people to add more stress and misery, even if it’s family…

Will check it out - thank you!! 🙏🏻

Sorry for your loss op. You will end up driving yourself crazy or the brink of a MH breakdown if you try to figure them out. They sound toxic, narcissistic and not worth even calling them parents. This is NOT how good parents behave, not one bit. The best way forward is getting some therapy to help you cut them out. They bring nothing but upset, pain and unhappiness it seems.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry for your loss.

In my experience you can tie yourself in knots trying to understand behaviours and actions like this. You can try and seek resolution and repair, try and get them to see your point of view or talk things through. It's completely pointless.

I've chosen family estrangement and therapy and it was th best decision I have ever made.

The sense of peace and privacy and clear thinking is valuable.

Your family sound very dysfunctional. Im sorry for your losses. X

@Chattycatt I'm really sorry you're going through this on top of the physical and emotional trauma of a miscarriage.

I don't agree with posters that are explaining that perhaps your mother didn't know that as you miscarried they no longer needed to keep it private, when it would be pretty clear that given the reason for your request was you wanted to be past the first trimester you are hardly going to be wanting to broadcast the loss of your baby.

I recently had similar where my MIL told her twin sister, my partner's aunt, having pressured and guilt tripped us to tell her about the pregnancy very early on. When I found out I had possibly miscarried, the first thing I said was that she knew and my own mother didn't as I was keeping it secret until Christmas. By she I meant someone I wasn't even close with that I didn't have a bond with. It really hurt me but I think the fact it was my MIL not my mum I felt that she wouldn't have known me as much and known I'd have wanted to keep it to myself etc in a way a mother having been explicitly told would.

I think you know that your parents enable your brother and choosing to invite him over you to holidays (not even alternating? Or encouraging reconciliation on his part?) honestly speaking I think this would be the final nail in the coffin for me.

I know it would be extremely difficult to go no contact with your parents and perhaps it would not be forever. Perhaps this would give them the much needed shake to realise that they have been mistreating you all these years.

You deserve so much better @Chattycatt, your baby deserves more than to be used as gossip with someone that has mistreated you badly and I'm really sorry 💜

Thank you so much 🙏🏻

Yes, I find it hard to find any justification to her telling him. Even if she felt the need to she could have even spoken to me about it first. To run away with my tragedy and tell the person I asked her not to is just so hard to comprehend. You’re absolutely right, the fact I told them at 10.5 weeks but explained I didn’t want anyone to know until I was 12 weeks makes it even harder to justify why she should tell him. My husband has also mentioned that even if she told him, why did she tell me she told him? None of us live close to each other and I have no direct contact with him. It’s all such odd behaviour but the common thread is that my feelings don’t come into it.

I’m so sorry you had a similar experience. It’s a fragile time and none of us should have extra stress or worry about family dynamics. Hope you’re doing ok.

I’d never even considered them alternating the Christmas invites, one year when I hadn’t been with my partner that long I explained to both my parents I didn’t feel comfortable coming home as my brother was so hostile and aggressive and my mum said she would come to spend it with me (my partner at the time had to go be with his father who not long after this passed away and he was riddled with guilt he had to leave me but felt okay in the knowledge my mum was coming) and on the Christmas Eve my mum cancelled coming and I spent Christmas entirely on my own. I’d got food in and everything and she didn’t even ring me - she said in a text she wasn’t coming. How can two parents spend Christmas Day with their son knowing their daughter is alone in another city and the reason she hasn’t come back is because she feels so anxious about his behaviour.

To be honest, the magnitude of this on the back of ALL these experiences is the final nail in the coffin. I haven’t heard from them in over 4 weeks - they haven’t even checked to see if I’m okay after what happened and they know I need to start IVF soon. I’m actually really stressed at the moment and seeing my doctor next week. Some might argue that I haven’t contacted them but the last contact I had was me crying down the phone so I would expect them to contact to see if I’m okay - maybe that’s just me.

Your words around my baby mean a lot because I honestly feel like their selfishness and prioritising my brothers feelings completely overshadowed my actual experience and my loss. So thank you.

Thank you

I have worked myself up in knots, I’ve spent years and so much energy and it’s got me absolutely nowhere. I don’t think they’ve listed to me for one minute. You’re right - it’s completely pointless.

It’s reassuring to hear you have chosen estrangement and therapy and it’s the best decision you’ve made. I don’t see any other way. It’s daunting but I’ve tried so hard.

Thanks for your words x

Oh @Chattycatt that story about Christmas is so sad. I'm really sorry. I would definitely consider no contact going forward.

Good luck on your IVF journey we're looking to go for another cycle in the next month too!

Thank you! Best of luck to you too!