Partner 'ruined' my son's birthday

[soleparent5494]

This weekend was my son's 5th birthday, he had a party at our house on Saturday and then we had small plans with family & friends on Sunday.

My partner (not my son's dad) in my opinion totally f!cked the weekend up with his behaviour, and I feel totally betrayed that my son's birthday wasn't prioritised. Typically this type of behaviour hasn't happened in the past, we generally work well together and he's never been nasty or mean to me, and I think that's what has made this worse in my head. We have had issues of him being inconsiderate before (e.g. just making plans without thinking how it impacts the family). He is adamant that we are a "family" and treat each other equally, however I don't feel this is always true.

The kids party on Saturday was fine, however my partner's children didn't really get involved and sat on their computers all day. They then broke my son's helium balloons, despite me telling them to be careful with them. My partner did not discipline them for this. (For context he LOVES balloons and it's something I always get him each birthday)

In the evening we had friends over which was fine, but my partner and his friends then decided to drink excessively (they ended up drinking a whole bottle of vodka plus beers, prosecco etc). At 11pm I set up my son's presents in the living room, fixed his balloons as best I could and made it special for his morning. My partner didn't even notice I'd done this, I text him to say I was heading to bed and my son was in our bed so one of our guests didn't have to sleep on the sofa. He agreed to sleep on the sofa instead, but didn't come and find me to speak to me personally.

His children had in this time broken a wardrobe in their bedroom and then taken themselves to bed. He ignored them for probably 4 to 6 hours in total. Even when the wardrobe broke I was the one who went upstairs to check they were ok and tell them off in the reasonable way a step-parent would.

When all of the other guests left, I then heard my partner leave the house. He went into town until gone 2am and didn't even tell me where he was or that he had gone out! When I tried to call him I was busy-toned, my messages telling him I was upset and worried about his behaviour were read and ignored - I've now seen photos of him and his friends having a whale of a time. When he got home I was told I needed to "chill out" and that "no one had died". I explained he had abandoned his children in the evening and been totally inconsiderate to me and what the weekend was about. He didn't feel he needed to apologise and was quite nasty about how upset I was.

The next day he was still drunk in the morning and went up to bed, missed my son opening presents (which were meant to be from "us"). His children didn't get up until gone 9am and neither wished my son a happy birthday. Instead they threw tantrums about having to get showered and generally acted like brats. When I asked if they'd said happy birthday to him they cried and told me I was being mean... not very "family"-like to me...

It's only now (2 days later) my partner seems to realise that he has potentially lost me and my son. I've spoken before to him about how I don't feel we are a family unit, and that we are spare parts in his world where he does what he wants. His children have no rules to live by and do whatever they please, whereas my son lives under my firm but fair rules (e.g. he will have his favourite toy/game taken away for a day/week if he is naughty, whereas my partner's child told us to "f!ck off" a few weeks ago with absolutely no consequences or punishment.)

We've had a long conversation about everything, where he explained he feels that I don't even like him, he would be better off alone and just left to work and do what he wants etc. We've agreed to try and both put a better structure into place for all of the children, however I am struggling to move on from how my son's birthday was a total shambles. I feel really hurt and angry at the total disregard for him as a 5 year old, and I'm not sure if I'll be able to move on from this. Am I being unreasonable to still feel angry about this?

It's absolutely the height of rudeness to just set off and leave your kids behind, especially when he only has them eow. What a rubbish dad he is. He's currently your son's male role model- are you happy with this?

You need to stop doing his parenting for him even if that feels unfair what the step kids don't get what your son does, that's on his shoulders not yours.

I wouldnt be happy with someone having people knee getting drunk until late in the evening either with the children upstairs.

I dont think you should live with this man. It doesn't sound like he or his kids are nice to you or your son.

Ps was your mum staying with you witnessing all this? What did she make of it?

Ok so - we are still together because I said in my original post that this is the first time he has even behaved in this way (especially with regards to how he parented his children) and I am definitely in a state of shock over it. His attempt to become the victim has caused the confusion for me and is ultimately why I questioned whether I'm being unreasonable.

For those thinking I'm 100% staying - I've got 3 house viewings booked this week, however because we are both on our house tenancy agreement and share the household finances it's not that simple and I want to take next steps in a way that is least disruptive to my son, whatever decision I make. Just cutting and running will not benefit him in the long run. I also need to find a house that is affordable, similar to what he is used to, close to his school, commutable for my job and ultimately a home I want for us both!

I am not pregnant, nor planning anymore children. I had an abortion a few months ago (contraception failed before anyone questions how I got pregnant 🙃) because neither of us want more children, he has since had the snip - while his behaviour this weekend was abhorrent he isn't unintelligent (not defending him just giving everything wider context). It seems many people seem to think I'm some dumb girl who isn't strong enough to leave, or will just pop out another kid willy-nilly.

He has treated you and your little boy appallingly. Who the hell turns a 5 year olds birthday weekend into a massive piss up and goes out partying until 2am? Seriously, OP keep your eyes wide open and get rid of him. It will only get worse the longer you keep it going.

It seems clear that you need to break up with him??

I disagree with this! I have four children, and on any one of their birthdays, they all join in and get excited and add to the day, and one of them is basically a teen! No one would dream of getting up at 9 and not joining the birthday breakfast and everyone helps to do the decorations or make the cake/treats.
I would be very hurt if I was the OP, but not surprised. The boyfriends behaviour sounds completely disengaged with family life. Get rid for sure!

Your son had to come sleep in your room so some drunk guy could sleep in his bed. I would
be thinking long and hard if you want that to be normalized for him. Some will claim that he won’t have realized what was going on, but children pick up on these things, especially if they happen repeatedly.

It was actually so my mum had a bed to sleep in rather than on our sofa, because her family friends (who I have known all my life and are like 2nd grandparents to my son) were in our guest room.

The excessive drinking is completely out-of-character in our house. We often have friends and their children over for lunch/dinners, at Christmas or on birthdays we might share a bottle of prosecco or similar to toast the occasion. This is completely out of the blue - hence my state of shock.

My son spent the whole day with us and our guests, we were playing games, drawing, chatting and doing all normal family things, and he went to bed a bit later at 8pm as a treat for his birthday. Once my son was in bed that's when the wheels fell off. If the drinking unnecessary amounts had happened whilst my son was awake and aware I would've flown with my mum yesterday to her home and never returned, I'm not that dumb I promise you.

he explained he feels that I don't even like him, he would be better off alone and just left to work and do what he wants etc.

He's shown you who he is AND told you. He isn't remotely bothered about your son and he's using you for free babysitting, without even having the decency or respect to ask permission.
It sounds like his kids were just being kids, but the whole attitude of this family is that they aren't very bothered about your son and can't even be bothered to pretend to be. Your partner clearly isn't prepared to make any effort.

I think you and your son need to move on.

He's done with the relationship and is looking for an out by acting a whole ass. He's being horrible so you end it.

Your poor kid, I would never (and have never) keep my child in a situation where she was treated so horribly.

Drinking, fighting, kids smashing stuff, desperate texts, drunk friends sleeping on the sofa...it all sounds totally chaotic and well below the standard you want for your 5 year old.

Why are you with him? I would really ask yourself this question.

You sound like two completely different people, with different values and needs....

Whew. This is an excellent update. Good luck OP, you've got this!

Is this really the first time he behaved like this? Or has there been lots of little things that you’ve overlooked… like those that lead you say (somewhere above, I think) you’ve given up pushing back on his DCs behaviours when they stay?

As an aside… he has custody of his children EOW: he should NOT get drunk or leave them with you during this time, especially without your permission. Had there been an accident or illness, you are not legally entitled to act for them should one of his DCs have needed hospital treatment. Had your child been sick and needed to go to A&E, who would have looked after his children while he was out boozing it up (I appreciate your mum was staying, but was he thus also dumping his responsibilities on her?) I’m not being puritanical here as I love a party/drink as much as the next person, but you don’t do it without making sure you have a safety plan/sober adult with authority to act in your absence.

I would really encourage you to think back over the last few months and really confirm with yourself that this was not merely the escalation of a series of behaviours.

@soleparent5494

You know, some men are only able to 'hold the pose' of a good family man for so long. For example, my BFF's husband lasted for around 2 years, through the courtship then about 9 months of the marriage, then all hell broke loose and he reverted to thinking and living like a bachelor. She was devastated, but she was also 'done' after trying counseling, blaming herself, and making excuses for him.

So it may be that your partner can no longer 'hold the pose' or, since you say he's 'never acted like this before', there has been some sort of 'event' that's made him act out of character. But I doubt the latter very much. I think you need to examine the past very carefully and be brutally honest with yourself. I think you'll find there have been other 'incidents', smaller than this one, that you have brushed under the carpet. Also be honest as to whether or not you've been walking on eggshells around him to keep him sweet. But at any rate, it sounds to me as if he really doesn't think he's done anything wrong.

Personally, I'd be done no matter what. Just the fact that you don't pull as a team wrt his children would be enough to make me call 'time', let alone his DARVO about the rest of his behaviour.

A few years in and he's slowly training you to put up with this bullshit. Well done you for noticing he's gone too far this time. This is who he is I'm afraid. He's been pretending until now. He's not the man you thought he was. Get your stuff together and leave, you and your DC deserve a much better life away from this needless chaos and disrespect.

He would have had his bags packed and gone if it was my choice. Get rid 🚩

TBF I think he got unintentionally drunk, if this isn’t usual behaviour, and going out seemed a good idea at the time. Your reaction seemed a bit ott chasing him up etc but he should have told you he was going out, I agree, but when unaccustomed to drink he may not have behaved rationally. You do seem a bit ott about the weekend being ruined. Would your son really be bothered that his step siblings didn’t say happy birthday or that his step dad didn’t watch him open his presents? Did dp apologise the next day and if he did, did you accept it or did you keep on at him? When he said he felt like you didn’t like him, had you been going on too much? Be honest, because I may be wrong, but you do seem to have made a huge thing about a 5 year olds birthday?

I don’t know if I am completely barking up the wrong tree, in which case ignore all the above.

A very definite problem is the lack of discipline for his kids and different parenting styles. That is likely to cause big issues in the future. Was the wardrobe an accident and an unusual occurrence? You are right to be concerned about the future of the relationship based on this point alone.

Unintentionally drunk? I suspect he knew exactly what he was doing when he guzzled down beer, Prosecco and vodka. You sound a bit of a male apologist for shit behaviour.

Op I don't want to be rude but this is what I have to say. Your ds dad abandoned him and that is a heavy burden for your son to bear as he grows up. Do not add to his burden by bringing a man so pathetic into his life. It will be hurting him twice. You rather be single with your DS and he at least know that his home is his safe place.

Ok so - we are still together because I said in my original post that this is the first time he has even behaved in this way (especially with regards to how he parented his children)

But it's not the first time he's shown you that he doesn't really give a shit about 'being a family'. You've done everything in terms of organising and practicalities - he can't even be arsed to enforce the basic boundaries with his own kids. You've said you've given up hoping for that.

Your child will be bullied and/or shut out by his if you stay and you will be his unpaid childcare/domestic staff.

He'll have a lovely time though.

I think people are forgetting that he isn’t used to drinking and it was completely out of character. We all do stupid things when drunk, especially if you aren’t used to it and get drunk quickly without realising.

I have very strong boundaries, thanks. But the op does say it’s out of character for him.

You are now changing the scenario !

It was originally a ' friend ' that was going in your son's room so he came into bed with you, and the partner was going to sleep on the sofa instead of the friend sleeping on the sofa

NOW...it's mum that had your son's bed ?

and older family friends who are like grandparents were in the guest room

So there is now mum in the house, along with these older family friends of yours whilst your partner was having a piss up in the house with his friends

Where were all these extra adults ? when you were texting your partner in the living room to say you had put out your son's presents.

Where were all these extra adults the following morning ? when your partners children were still in bed

and when your partner left the sofa to go to bed hungover ?