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AIBU?

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Original poster

Feeling betrayed by fiance

36 replies

EllzBellz41 · 16/01/2024 03:42

I'm a bit emotional right night so this might come out jumbled so apologies in advance.
My fiance of 11 years is part of an online gaming group. In that group is a woman who "is nothing to worry about".
A few years ago we were all on a night out and she asked if she could dry hump my fiance, he replied that she needed my permission.
They were all extremely drunk but I was sober because I was driving so I just got us out of there ASAP and tried to speak to him the next day about it but he laughed it off saying that's just how their group was and it didn't mean anything. I spoke to my sister about it as she's part of the group and she told me that this woman was having am affair with another one of the group as well so it led to me totally freaking out and being insecure. My fiance reluctantly deleted her off Facebook but kept in touch with her through the xbox and the group chats.
I've never really felt truly settled with the situation but felt like the nagging other half so I've tolerated it on some level but last night I seen he was following this woman on another socal media account.
This his raked up all the old feelings and then some. He's playing dumb like he didn't know he had done it because he doesn't know how to use the app but I don't believe him.
He thinks I'm over reacting and being paranoid. He's never said her behaviour was inappropriate, he always plays it down as a laugh because their group seem highly sexed and now I'm in bits feeling like I'm losing my mind !!
Can someone please tell me if he's right here because I'm suppose to be marrying him in August and I'm terrified I'm making a huge mistake

OP posts:
Cuckoochanel80 · 16/01/2024 04:06

You're not being unreasonable, definitely a few areas of concern here..

Cuckoochanel80 · 16/01/2024 04:07

How is the relationship in general apart from this?

GreatGateauxsby · 16/01/2024 04:16

My fiance of 11 years is part of an online gaming group. In that group is a woman who "is nothing to worry about".

There are two things in the sentence that would mean this man would never be my choice of partner for life..

Very candidly having been in a much lower level version of this I would really not be marrying him.

My fiance reluctantly deleted her off Facebook but kept in touch with her through the xbox and the group chats.

its about respect for your partner and valuing their happiness.
Your feelings and wants are always going to be less than his. You will always come second.

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/01/2024 04:19

No, I would walk away. I certainly wouldn't marry him!

Original poster
EllzBellz41 · 16/01/2024 04:23

I would have said our relationship was a decent one. Not amazing but we tick along nicely. I just don't get why he's so he'll bent on making me feel so stupid when it comes to my concerns about this woman.
I have always been insecure in myself but I've tried to work so hard on coping with that, I've went the other way and I'm feeling like if I say anything it will be used as a weapon against me.
I've just spoken to him and fell apart crying and he's came to bed acting as if nothing has happened !!

OP posts:
Mumtime2 · 16/01/2024 04:30

How would you feel of this contuines after you marry?
It means something to you.
Why the hell would she need to dry hump your partner...is she a stripper or a huge player.
If it doesn't sit right with you, then it's not right! Right?
He can't brush it off either.
Stupid males.

ilovepuppies2019 · 16/01/2024 04:37

His friendship group is highly sexed? Yuck. At best he sound very immature. At worst, he's a cheat who loves female attention. It sounds like he puts his friends and his ego above your feelings. Asking to 'dry hump' someone 9 (ultra yuck) is way outside normal. You're not being paranoid or strange to be uncomfortable with your DP having this friendship. I'd be even more uncomfortable that he's fighting so hard to retain the friendship. Can you join this gaming group for a few sessions and see what type of vibe you get off the group? That might help you see what your DP is like around this woman and other people in general.

GreatGateauxsby · 16/01/2024 04:41

Yes because...

Your feelings and wants are always going to be less than his. You will always come second.

i dated a guy like this.
We "ticked along nicely" because I was agreeable but it became clear he was okay with me being massively inconvenieced/put out rather than he had any minor inconveniences in any way. His needs came first.

I'll prob explain on badly as I'm 8.5m pregnant and me and DH have been up with the toddler since 3am 😵‍💫

Ie he would rather I was massively unhappy / insecure in our relationship than give up some rando from his extended friendship group that he barely knew/saw (online pals) She was mega flirty and not appropriate.
He said he had but he hadnt... because retaining his minor enjoyment from chatting with her was more important than my peace of mind /security in the relationship.
His needs were getting met so 🤷‍♀️ fuck you gateauxsby
He didn't care that lying to me (as your fiance has) was a massive breech of trust...

He was an emotional child and I never regretted breaking up with him.

I actually found out on his fucking birthday after I baked and carted a cake and other random shit across London
He actually had the fucking stupidity to try and make me feel bad by saying HE was so upset he could only eat the smallllllest slice of the birthday cake I made!!! 😅😅😅 Poor baby.
I laughed my head off and told him to never to contact me again.
He actually said "I knew you'd be upset if you found out I lied but I thought you'd get over it. I can't believe you'd break up with me over this" 🤯🤯🤯

Fosterfloof · 16/01/2024 05:24

I would be worried too if I were in your situation. You obviously aren't his priority in life.

I would speak to him again and ask him how would he feel if the shoe were on the other foot and some guy from an group you were part of asked if they could dry hump you at a party and you had done the things he's done with lying to you etc etc?? it would be interesting to see what his answer would be because I bet he would be upset like you are.

I would also ask your sister what they are like together in the group and if she thinks there is more to this - ask her to be honest?

Not being nosy but is there any reason why he's your fiancé of 11 years or is it that you have been together for a few years and only fairly recently got engaged? Also is he as excited and keen about getting married as you are? I only ask because quite often when people have a long engagement for no reason it's because one party isn't as committed as the other and they prefer to keep things the way they are and they don't want to make that final step.

I think you really need to think about whether you can continue being with someone who a) doesn't see anything wrong in being dishonest and b) doesn't prioritise your relationship and makes light of your worries.

It's great for him to have hobbies outside of your relationship but not when it involves lying to you or belittling your feelings!!!

Kingoftheroad · 16/01/2024 05:43

He’s a loser, he’s not putting you or your needs first. The first sign that you had an issue with this woman or the gaming he should have shut the whole thing down and re assured you.

my advice would be simple - end it now it’s over you deserve so much more than this

jeaux90 · 16/01/2024 06:44

You've been engaged 11 years!!!

He sounds very immature.
I'm all for friendship across the sexes where the boundaries are clearly drawn but that is just ick!!

No partner should make you feel like this. Hard no and finish it from me.

Kitkatcatflap · 16/01/2024 06:51

He's reply to the girl asking if she could dry hump was inappropriate. The girl would have to ask your permission first! Under text - he's okay with it, if you are. Even as a joke, that reply is off.

And. Is you have found he is still following her on another platform when he knows you are not happy about it.

Yeap, I would be unhappy with his. His cheap thrill comes first, your feelings second.

StoppitRightNow · 16/01/2024 07:11

If my husband tried to tell me who I could or couldn’t be friends with because he didn’t trust me to be faithful, I would not be with him.

This woman sounds unbelievably annoying, but if you trust your partner I don’t understand how this is an issue. You should be having a laugh together at how desperate she is.

You cannot control your partner’s friendships under the misguided label of “respecting your boundaries”. It’s manipulation.

To be honest, I don’t think you should marry him as you clearly have deeper relationship issues. You definitely shouldn’t marry someone if the best you can describe the relationship as is “decent”.

Good luck.

Scrantonicity2 · 16/01/2024 07:15

I would have said our relationship was a decent one. Not amazing

This right here is the reason not to marry.

RandomButtons · 16/01/2024 07:16

You’ve been engaged 11 years? When is the wedding?

if you don’t have a date it sounds like he’s stringing you along with bare minimum effort. I couldn’t tolerate that let alone the sexualised friendship group.

Whattodowithit88 · 16/01/2024 07:33

Of course partners, married people and others should have friends, but if one of those friends is jeopardising the relationship and making your partner uncomfortable, that friendship shouldn’t be more important than your relationship!

Ask him what’s more important, maintaining a friendship with her or a relationship with you?

RiderofRohan · 16/01/2024 07:38

11 years? Are there general commitment issues?

quisensoucie · 16/01/2024 07:39

You've been engaged for 11 years; your choice or his?
You have a 'decent' relationship, you 'tick along'
How boring? Is this the relationship/life you are prepared to tolerate?
The most depressing post I've read in ages; you seem willing to settle for mediocrity
And he will sleep with this woman at some point

Cuppachuchu · 16/01/2024 07:45

LTB ASAP. There are much much better men out there.

slashlover · 16/01/2024 07:47

RandomButtons · 16/01/2024 07:16

You’ve been engaged 11 years? When is the wedding?

if you don’t have a date it sounds like he’s stringing you along with bare minimum effort. I couldn’t tolerate that let alone the sexualised friendship group.

Can someone please tell me if he's right here because I'm suppose to be marrying him in August and I'm terrified I'm making a huge mistake

Last line of the OP.

Olika · 16/01/2024 07:59

I've just spoken to him and fell apart crying and he's came to bed acting as if nothing has happened !!

^ and you want to marry a man like this?

Deathbyathousandcats · 16/01/2024 08:01

‘fiancé of 11 years’?!
Talk about taking the piss.

rainbowstardrops · 16/01/2024 08:02

Well he's certainly not coming across that he has any thought of respect for you. As others have asked, why have you been engaged for 11 years but not married? Has he stalled or is you/both of you?

Jook · 16/01/2024 08:05

What now? Dry hump him?!! I would have gone into full on fish wife mode.

ChristmasFluff · 16/01/2024 08:13

Every decent man I've ever had a relationship with would run a mile from a woman who asked to dry hump him - and indeed a couple ran a mile from women who they felt crossed the line in much smaller ways.

Every complete arsehole I've had a relationship with would act exactly like your fiance.

Imagine if a man asked to dry-hump you? What would you do?

Do not let anyone tell you that you are being controlling in expecting him to voluntarily block her EVERYWHERE because that is what a partner would want to do, under normal circumstances. The fact that he doesn't show he doesn't give a shit about you and is enjoying this woman's inappropriate attentions.

Any man who does not live up to your perfectly reasonable expectations here is not worth staying one more day with.

You've wasted 11 years already.

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