Feeling betrayed by fiance

[EllzBellz41]

I'm a bit emotional right night so this might come out jumbled so apologies in advance.
My fiance of 11 years is part of an online gaming group. In that group is a woman who "is nothing to worry about".
A few years ago we were all on a night out and she asked if she could dry hump my fiance, he replied that she needed my permission.
They were all extremely drunk but I was sober because I was driving so I just got us out of there ASAP and tried to speak to him the next day about it but he laughed it off saying that's just how their group was and it didn't mean anything. I spoke to my sister about it as she's part of the group and she told me that this woman was having am affair with another one of the group as well so it led to me totally freaking out and being insecure. My fiance reluctantly deleted her off Facebook but kept in touch with her through the xbox and the group chats.
I've never really felt truly settled with the situation but felt like the nagging other half so I've tolerated it on some level but last night I seen he was following this woman on another socal media account.
This his raked up all the old feelings and then some. He's playing dumb like he didn't know he had done it because he doesn't know how to use the app but I don't believe him.
He thinks I'm over reacting and being paranoid. He's never said her behaviour was inappropriate, he always plays it down as a laugh because their group seem highly sexed and now I'm in bits feeling like I'm losing my mind !!
Can someone please tell me if he's right here because I'm suppose to be marrying him in August and I'm terrified I'm making a huge mistake

You're massively over reacting. You can't control who your partner's friends are.

Either you trust your partner, or you don't. If you don't, why are you marrying him at all?

I think if you can only use the words ‘decent’ and ‘not amazing’ to describe the man you intend marrying then maybe spend some time thinking about this. He will still be the same and you will still feel the same after marriage. It must be hard after spending 11 years with him to realise this.

if it's an online group sounds like there is no need to meet up. this woman sounds perfect poison and your fiance certainly is not acting like a fiancee rather a foot loose bachelor meeting up with pals getting drunk, this woman etc you can do better

Why has it taken 11 years for him to commit?

This. Don’t get married to anyone who you feel this way about.

Also don’t get married to anyone, who when asked if he can be dry humped by a ‘friend’, has any other answer than ‘No, and we’re no longer friends.’

He shouldn't have needed to block her as he should be able to be trusted. What he should have done is said of course she can't dry hump him, obv he was happy for her to as long as you were.

If you are having to force someone to block people on social media then IMO the relationship is doomed for one of two reasons, either you are forcing him to block her to help your own insecurities or because he needs to block her because he can't be trusted. In either case it would be a deal breaker for me.

The bar shouldn’t be literally on the floor of just “decent” and “ticks along”. Any person whose response to being propositioned in a relationship isn’t immediately “no you may not, that’s disrespectful to my partner” is not someone to commit yourself to. He won’t improve in marriage he’ll just know you can’t leave as easy and therefore probably push this further knowing you’re trapped and probably wouldn’t leave anyway. After all you put up with it this long, right?

He doesn’t care you’re upset but then again you can’t trust him enough to not check his social media. So on all fronts this sounds like a drain of a relationship and I can’t believe you’ve put up with it for over a decade. Who wants to settle for that long?

Are you happy? Not just ok, ticking along? Do you even like him anymore? Do you laugh together, spend time enjoying things together or is it all just daily grind, head down don’t cause another argument because he may or may not be messing about?

Yeah i would reconsider this whole relationship he doesn’t really think much of you. If partners female friend asked him if she could dry hump him i would expect my partner to tell her to do one, not to ask me. In which case i would have told him then and there to do 1!

I would have said our relationship was a decent one. Not amazing but we tick along nicely.
Why would your bar be so low to want to commit yourself for the rest of your life to this person?

I would have said our relationship was a decent one. Not amazing but we tick along nicely.

I would not marry someone with whom my relationship was 'not amazing'.

their group seem highly sexed

What does this even mean? Do you mean there's smutty banter, or do you mean they're all fucking each other? You also say your sister is part of this group, so surely she could tell you what the dynamic is like and whether this woman's behaviour is out of step with the rest of the group or not?

I think your fiance's reaction to her asking if she could dry hump him was pretty diplomatic given that everyone was drunk. Telling her to fuck off would have created a bit of a scene whereas saying 'You'll have to ask my girlfriend' sounds, to me, like he was trying to tell her to back off because he's taken, without making a big fuss about it.

I don't think anyone here can tell you whether your fiance is having an affair with some woman from his gaming group or whether you're being paranoid. However, I do think if you're this unsure about your fiance and your relationship is 'not amazing' you shouldn't be getting married.

@EllzBellz41 so he is either open to shagging her OR he likes to keep her attention on him because it bolsters his sad wee man-ego knowing she wants to shag him. Either way he is keeping his options open and not respecting your relationship.

This isn't a man you marry. Maybe in the beginning you were both besotted but 11 years down the line, he is hedging his bets and has one eye on another woman. He's disgusting, weak and selfish and no way this is how we treat those we love.

Don't invest any more time in him. There is someone out there for you who will think you are his other half and the thought of being with anyone else would be alien to him. That's how it should be.

This man wants to be free to act like a single guy while having all the benefits of a live in maid and blow up doll.

Respect yourself. Know you are worth more. Dump him and don't believe his lies when he begs you to take him back and promises to change.

If he really wanted to be with ONLY you then he would have blocked this other woman and even left the group to distance himself to show you he was serious. The thought didn't even cross his mind because he thinks he is smarter than you and can get away with it.

Show him he can't.