Too hot or too cold?

[mintycake]

Went a long dog walk this morning with my partner. It was cold and frosty. By the time we got home I was hot and sweating yes I’m overweight and a bit unfit hence the walking of late. He came in and racked the heating up to 23 and was standing at the radiator. Now the heating had been on before we went out and the house was not cold. I was visibly sweating. I asked can we not have the heating on and turned it to 19. The radiator was hot by this point. This has caused a massive argument he says it always has to be my way. That I am selfish. He just wanted a heat. That I could have went and sat out on the back step if I was hot. Or went to the bedroom and turned the radiator off in there. I have said but the radiator you wanted heat off was hot by the time I turned it down you could still have stood there or put on more layers. I was down to a tshirt and leggings I couldn’t have took more off.

He is still very angry hours later. I just tried to talk to him about it there and was still getting the same response that I’m selfish. I’m quite hurt and upset.

I am interested to know if I was being unreasonable.

I think Yabu. I am miserable if I'm cold. He's right, why couldn't you stand outside? Sorry but adding more layers in a cold house doesn't do it.

The house was not cold when I turned the heating down it clicked off at 19 meaning that was the temperature of the house. I wouldn’t consider that cold. Even if I had stood outside for half an hour coming in to a house heated to 23 would have been too warm in my opinion. I know people find different heats comfortable though.

What is unreasonable is that hours later and he still hasn't had the maturity to memtally revisit the situation, calm down and approach it like an adult.

Sounds like it could have been handled much better from both sides, me being fat and go on regular sweaty dog walks I know your point, my house is always hot, 80 yr okd skin and bone mother stays and has the gas fire on... when I return, I go upstairs, cool off, shower and get changed, I don't go and turn off the heating and which is keeping my 80 yr old mum warm so that i can be cooler, i go to a cooler place to calm my temperature down. She doesn't however turn up the heat so I'm melting...

#manbaby

Do you need a talkie stick, like when you each get to speak, and can't shout or huff like a petulant child or otherwise be aggressive? He sounds like a delight... still sulking hours later.

Yes I can see that I could have handled it better but he went off like a rocket as soon as I turned it down. I didn’t argue other than say but the radiator was hot you can still stand there and you could put more layers on he shouted and banged the baby gate which is actually a dog gate. I did go to the bedroom after that and it was hours later when I tried to talk. I am back in the bedroom as it didn’t go well and I don’t want to fight.

I think that if you can't decide amicably how to set the heating, you have a different problem from the one you're posting about. Anybody who insists that things need to be done their way in a communal space is unreasonable. You are both doing that.

It really is miserable when you have to sit and freeze in your own home. But it's equally unpleasant to sit and sweat and feel all hot and flustered.

His comment about everything always being done your way is quite telling though - is there any truth in that or is he just being a dick?

No, not just you could have handled it better.

He sounds like an absolute delight, the typical "always has to be your way" response, the fluffy unsubstantiated accusation, the sulking for hours, the silent treatment, 🤫 these are all undesirable traits...

Yes we do have bigger problems and almost split before Christmas. He can be very moody once something happens to upset him. He has been on good behaviour lately and we have been trying better communication by not letting things fester. Which is why I left it and then tried to revisit it but it seems he is slipping back into his moody ways. Last night we were chatting fine. Today on the walk he barely said two words other than he was cold and that he couldn’t get both hands in his pockets like me because he was holding the dogs lead. I said I would take her but that I don’t like walking her on the extending lead that he insists on using. I use the double lead as she is big, strong and excitable. He just walked on and didn’t give me the lead. I feel his mood had changed even before the heating.

I think it is the opposite but then maybe from his point of view it is.

I mean things being my way

He has been on good behaviour lately

Like a little boy? Don't you want a relationship with an adult, who behaves like an adult? Don't you want to be an adult?

YABVU and incredibly selfish. If I've been out in the cold I can feel it all the way to my bones and it causes me a huge amount of pain. I'm not saying he was in any pain, but the point is that it takes a long time to actually warm up through to your core, and just putting on layers is not enough.

I guess that sounds bad, I don’t know how to explain it other than good behaviour because to be honest I feel he generally had bad behaviour in the lead up to Christmas. Moody, sulking, silent treatment.

From your update he sounds like a moody teenager.

So you think that the house should be at the temperature you like, due to your discomfort, regardless of the discomfort of anybody else?

Sometimes I do feel that’s how he behaves but he is 37. I’m sure I don’t help I know I’m not perfect. I am just fed up with bad atmospheres. I try just to say very little. I did cry on my way upstairs through frustration and he shouted after me I was crying for nothing. That it is always him in the wrong.

he shouted after me I was crying for nothing

He's belittling your feelings... how can you stay with someone who does this?

Whatever this argument is about, it's not just the heating. If he had turned it up and you had turned it down without discussing, I would have said you were unreasonable. But you asked, a reasonable basis to start a conversation, and he exploded. The response could have been that he was absolutely freezing, so wanted to keep it on to warm up, without the tantrum. A negotiation that it stays on for half hour, gets changed to 21, you pop out etc were all valid discussion potential.

I think you would be much, much happier without him.

It's unreasonable that he's still angry hours later. I can honestly say that me and DH can have an argument, then it's forgotten within a few hours at most.
In this situation I wouldn't have thought turning the heating up would have given him the instant 'thaw out' heat that he wanted anyway. I usually put the fire on in the living room and we all sit in there for a bit if we've been out in the cold and need some instant heat. I do think it's unreasonable to turn the heating off if the house still feels cold though.

I wonder that myself sometimes. Later I’m sure he will be lovely again and things will seem fine. We will get along, laugh and talk. Then it will happen again over something else small and insignificant.

That it is always him in the wrong

That's fine if he thinks that, but why would he stay in a relationship where he felt like that?

You are both being treated in ways that make you unhappy, and blaming the other rather than taking responsibility for your own happiness.

Grow up. He wasn't put here to make you happy. You weren't put here to make him happy. Choose company that makes you happy, and walk away from people who don't.

Clearly there are wider issues between you than the temperature thing, but I'm not wading in to them, and instead sticking to the temperature disagreement.

In my opinion, where there's a disagreement about temperature, it should come down to how hard it is for each "side" to work around the issues if the decision goes the other way. So:

• if he's wearing only a t-shirt, he can easily work around being cold by putting on a jumper. So the heating shouldn't be going on.
• if he's cold despite being wrapped up warm, and you being too hot is only temporary because you've been exercising, then you easily work around that by going outside without your jacket on for 30 seconds. So the heating should be going on

This was a discussion that we had about happiness. I don’t expect him to make me happy. Just not blow up at me as that is what makes me unhappy. He said I make him happy which is mind boggling as I don’t see that is the case through his behaviour at times.

Yes I have digressed. He had a tshirt and two jumpers on. Thermal underwear and jeans. I had leggings and a tshirt. We had both walked miles. I am overweight he is not.