Too hot or too cold?

[mintycake]

Went a long dog walk this morning with my partner. It was cold and frosty. By the time we got home I was hot and sweating yes I’m overweight and a bit unfit hence the walking of late. He came in and racked the heating up to 23 and was standing at the radiator. Now the heating had been on before we went out and the house was not cold. I was visibly sweating. I asked can we not have the heating on and turned it to 19. The radiator was hot by this point. This has caused a massive argument he says it always has to be my way. That I am selfish. He just wanted a heat. That I could have went and sat out on the back step if I was hot. Or went to the bedroom and turned the radiator off in there. I have said but the radiator you wanted heat off was hot by the time I turned it down you could still have stood there or put on more layers. I was down to a tshirt and leggings I couldn’t have took more off.

He is still very angry hours later. I just tried to talk to him about it there and was still getting the same response that I’m selfish. I’m quite hurt and upset.

I am interested to know if I was being unreasonable.

To be completely honest I don’t see how he could be as cold as he proclaimed but that’s a me problem and I kept that opinion to myself.

Oh so he also belittles and invalidates your emotions...

"You're crying for nothing...." you were obviously crying because you were emotionally hurt...

Not only did he belittle your emptions, he also shouted after you as you were leaving to belittle your emotions...

Have you considered this man is a narcissist?

Belittle your emotions
Accusation of its your fault
Gaslighting?
Lack of empathy
Manipulate situations to their end
Always a victim

But he's allowed to do things that make you unhappy. And if he doesn't appear happy to you, that's allowed too. He is allowed to say things that aren't true, and things that don't appear to be true. He can do whatever he likes, as long as it's legal.

If you don't want to be with someone who blows up at you, that's up to you to arrange for yourself. It's not up to someone who blows up to amend their behaviour to suit what you want. Take responsibility for yourself.

Yeah, this isn't about the heating. You basically just don't like each other.

You wouldn't like my house then...😬

I have wondered this.

Yes we do have bigger problems and almost split before Christmas.
You need to revisit why you wanted to split because this is not to do with the heating at all. Honestly though, he was spoiling for a fight (as noted by him being a twat over the dog lead) and guess what, you had one. You handed him the excuse for it on a golden plate.

This sounds like it about more than the temperature that time. 19 would be lower than most people like it (fine for me) 23 would be a bit higher. You came in hot and sweating, he came in chilly. So neither of you are right or wrong.
I wonder though if you are the sort of person who jumps in all the time with statements like those biscuits arent for eating, you need to sort the garden this weekend, I've put your blue shirt out for tonight...you know, a bit bossy. Maybe he's had enough and thinks Who made you the boss?
Without knowing your history it sounds an over reaction. Tbf though, if he was cold a quick extra blast would have helped and you could have undressed (and showered) and would have cooled down quickly enough. You could have then compromised on 21degrees

if he is, then all the normal approaches to any given situation go out the window.

Your behaviour (action, approach, reaction) needs to change.

That is if you decide he's worth your effort.

The more I think of it the more I think this is completely correct. A couple of days ago we had the same situation yet on that occasion he laughed and I said he could heat his hands on my back as I was like a radiator. He did and we laughed all the more. So I think he was spoiling for a fight and remembered that I wouldn’t want the heat on so would be a good way to start a fight.