Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He messages me after midnight

29 replies

somenotes · 15/01/2024 09:57

STBXH has a bad habit of texting/emailing and replying to me (about non-urgent matters) at unreasonable times, midnight, 1 or 2am.

For the record we've been separated for 2.5 years, he is seeing someone. Our relationship is not amicable and things have been very tense due to divorce, finances and childcare.

AIBU for thinking his behaviour is inappropriate?

OP posts:
WhamBamThankU · 15/01/2024 09:58

Put your phone on do not disturb over night? That way you'll see it in the morning. Or archive his WhatsApp thread so you only see them when you look. Just because he's sent it you don't have to read it or reply then, do it at your convenience.

Sauvblanctime · 15/01/2024 09:59

WhamBamThankU · 15/01/2024 09:58

Put your phone on do not disturb over night? That way you'll see it in the morning. Or archive his WhatsApp thread so you only see them when you look. Just because he's sent it you don't have to read it or reply then, do it at your convenience.

This

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/01/2024 10:00

Can you set a do not disturb on your phone? It sounds to me as though his new relationship isn't as happy as he is telling you if he is awake in the middle of the night and thinking of contacting you.

If he contacts you on WhatsApp then can you set it so that he doesn't know when you are online?

WandaWonder · 15/01/2024 10:00

People can send me what they want when they want, I won't get it till morning regardless

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 15/01/2024 10:01

Mute his messages or put on dnd

BotherThat · 15/01/2024 10:01

I wouldn’t text anyone after 10pm, but emails are fair game any time. My phone is on silent overnight though so if anyone does contact me, it doesn’t wake me.

TreeStone · 15/01/2024 10:03

Can't you just set your phone to do not disturb overnight?

I think it's reasonable to assume people do this, these days. Even if it's some complicated game he is playing then it's an easy fix your end.

TriceratopsRocks · 15/01/2024 10:04

Agree with other posters. If you have anyone you want to be able to reach you at any time (eg a child or vulnerable parent), you can set an exception to the 'do not disturb' just for their number.

SnowsFalling · 15/01/2024 10:05

He might be doing it to annoy you, or migt be messaging at a time that suits him. But there are ways to avoid dealing with it until a time that suits you.
Mute him, put DND on you phone, mute the phone overnight.... You can't control him, but you can make it not impact you.

JadziaD · 15/01/2024 10:05

Joining the chorus of "phone on mute/archived" for this reason. For whatever reason, that's a convenient time for him to respond to you. Assuming he doesn't then kick off because you haven't replied within 30 seconds, let it go. If he was emailing you at this time of night, you wouldn't even notice.

I have family in other parts of the world so it's entirely common to wake up to 10 WhatsApp messages in a family group chat. I wouldn't dream of being annoyed that people are texting me when I'm sleeping.

AlltheFs · 15/01/2024 10:05

He can reply whenever he likes. It is up to you to manage your settings so you only see it when you want to.

I don’t receive any messages after 10pm as my phone is set to DND until 7am. Irritating bastards are also archived in WhatsApp so I have to look for them in usual waking hours.

Take some control. Alternatively block his number and only use a dedicated email or app to communicate with him when it suits.

Tinkerbyebye · 15/01/2024 10:10

So let him, just turn your phone off, or mute him, deal with it in the morning when you are ready to

bombardelli · 15/01/2024 10:11

I get what you mean as I would never message anyone at that time just in case they have forgotten to set their do not disturb settings on or just don’t bother with them.

You can set your phone so that even if it’s on silent or on do not disturb, that calls from certain people can still come through.

I have relatives abroad so I have my phone on do not disturb but I’ve set it so that my mum and DH and a couple of others can still call me and the call will come through, just because I know they will only call in an emergency past a certain time.

Original poster
somenotes · 15/01/2024 10:12

Thank you all for your suggestions. As of recently I have his chat archived on Whats'App. However, I've had to undo it because he has DC for the week. He messaged me at 00:56 this morning asking if we could delay drop off on Friday. I feel like this is should've been sent during normal hours.

OP posts:
IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 15/01/2024 10:15

Could you message back and say what you need to but can he only message in the day unless its important and you're needed there and then?

JadziaD · 15/01/2024 10:19

somenotes · 15/01/2024 10:12

Thank you all for your suggestions. As of recently I have his chat archived on Whats'App. However, I've had to undo it because he has DC for the week. He messaged me at 00:56 this morning asking if we could delay drop off on Friday. I feel like this is should've been sent during normal hours.

But why? Today is only Monday. So he messaged you in the middle of the night, and now you can just reply to him this morning with a yes/no and that's still 4 days before it's due?

this is one of those situations where because things have been unpleasant and he has been a dickhead, you're projecting negativity into interactions that are actually fine.

If you are worried because you feel like your phone needs to be on constantly on case something goes wrong, make it so that your DND will allow people from your contacts to be heard when they call. That way, in the unlikely event he is calling you because your DC are ill, you'll hear it, but everything else is silenced.

Original poster
somenotes · 15/01/2024 10:20

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 15/01/2024 10:15

Could you message back and say what you need to but can he only message in the day unless its important and you're needed there and then?

I've asked him already. He's the type of person, if you tell him not to do something, he emphasises on doing it more.

OP posts:
ManchesterLu · 15/01/2024 10:22

Whether he has the DC or not, silence him overnight. You can set it so that phone calls from certain numbers can be heard, but not messages, so you'd get a call if there was anything urgent. It's not necessarily an issue that he's messaging you at these times - some people are just productive in those hours so he's sorting out what needs to be sorted. You don't need to read it until morning, however.

betterangels · 15/01/2024 10:24

Agree you need to setup your phone settings to suit you. This is easily fixed. People will text when convenient for them. I answer when it suits me.

HumourReplacementTherapy · 15/01/2024 10:25

If you're reluctant to put him on dnd because he has the kids, you can set it so that it will come through on the second attempt from an allowable contact (iPhone) sorry I don't know about others but I'd imagine there's something similar.

WhamBamThankU · 15/01/2024 10:27

@somenotes Don't ask him, he'll only say you're trying to control him. Let him contact you when he wants, but as I said, only read/response when it's convenient to you.

ActDottie · 15/01/2024 10:28

If he was ringing you yes I’d say he was unreasonable but he’s texting and emailing… you don’t have to reply straight away and can rely on your own time.

AhBiscuits · 15/01/2024 10:28

If his messages disturb you then that's your fault. Modern communication is sent at the sender's convenience and read at the recipient's convenience. I'm sure he's not expecting an instant reply.

Kisskiss · 15/01/2024 10:31

Omg I message lots of pple at 2/3 am as I’m still awake and frequently busy during the day and my downtime is at night. I didn’t think it would cause offence.
my own phone is on silent so I pick up and respond to messages when it suits me only. Put your phone on mute?

Original poster
somenotes · 15/01/2024 10:37

Thanks everyone. Changing settings to only accept calls is a good idea. I've not thought of this one.

OP posts: