Who is BU here?

[IPlayMyGuitar]

Annie and Bettie are close relatives and live a few miles part.
When Annie is out doing errands, she will sometimes drop in to see Bettie unannounced. Annie does the same with Bettie, so calling round unannounced is not a problem.

Annie called round to see Bettie, but nobody answered the door. She went round the back of the house into the garden to see if Bettie was in but had not heard the bell. Annie feels that as they are close family it is reasonable to go round the back to check if they have not heard the doorbell.

Bettie feels that if they do not answer the door then Annie should know they are either not in or do not want guests and that going round the back is intrusive.

YABU - Annie is right. Peering though windows at the back it out of order.
YANBU - Bettie is right. They are close family and she thought Bettie hadn't heard her at the door.

That's an awkward one. On the one hand you want to feel free to not answer the door and not have someone staring in through the back windows.

On the other hand if the visitor sincerely thought you just hadn't heard the bell then I can see why they would go round to the back.

I think the visitor should have phoned the other person to see if they were free and actually that's what should happen from now on.

Team Annie- stay out of my back garden

The only time it’s ok to peek through windows like that is if you think there may be a problem!

Are both relatives of an advanced age or have health conditions that mean they could have snuffed it or fallen over and need help?

Storm in a teacup. Annie now knows that Bettie doesn't want her going round the back of the house if she doesn't answer. If Annie does it again then YABU.

If I was Annie I would have rung her.

We can't hear our bell from the garden. If friends or family turn up I would have no problem with them popping round to check if that is where we were. Unless it was a Thursday which is strip poker day in our house.

Assume this is made up as Annie and Bettie change their opinions in the OP?

That why we have locked 6' high back gate.

And I don't call on relatives unannounced.

I personally wouldn’t go peering through back windows etc unless the person involved was elderly or vulnerable and I had good reason to be concerned for their welfare. Otherwise yes, it’s intrusive, although I’d find all the unannounced visiting very intrusive as well so perhaps I’m just less friendly than some!

Exactly this. Bettie, take a hint if no one answers!

I think that Annie should not have gone round the back. Why did she assume Betty was definitely in. If I knock on someone's door and they don't answer, I assume that either they are not home or they are busy. I would not go round the back.

I WOULD go round the back if Betty was expecting me, I arrived, and there was no answer.

For close relatives and my neighbours who live alone, who I would expect to be home, I would check - if they were elderly or vulnerable. If they have a phone, I would try that first before investigating further. I have limited mobility and have fallen myself on many occasions, usually contacting my son to help me up but twice I was rescued by neighbours and taken to hospital by ambulance.

I wouldn't go round the back unless I thought something was wrong/something bad had happened as to why they couldn't answer the door.

Bettie is not eldery or vulnerable and lives with her DH.

You're right- got my Annie's and Betties muddled.
YABU - Bettie is right. Peering though windows at the back it out of order.
YANBU - Anne is right. They are close family and she thought Bettie hadn't heard her at the door.

cross posted

You've got Annie and Bettie the wrong way round at the end of your post.

As others have said, unless there was reason to be concerned about Bettie's wellbeing, most people would have assumed she was out and wouldn't have gone round the back.

I got their names muddled because understandably I haven't used their real names.

Agree.
If young, fit and healthy then a text would suffice. if elderly and could possibly have fallen then checking at the other door is what I would do too

This is going to vary so much by family. Some families routinely go in and out the back door. Some families let themselves in.

Annie thought they were a family where it was OK to go round the back and check. Bettie clarified that she isn't comfortable with this. Nobody was being unreasonable. No real issue unless Annie and Bettie are petty enough to turn it into one.

Sorry just saw your update
No I wouldn't be happy with peering through the windows and checking the other door as she's not vulnerable

No then she shouldn't be checking through all the windows and stuff. It's rude and you don't have to answer the door to anyone.

Window peering is completely unreasonable.

Bettie feels that if they do not answer the door then Annie should know they are either not in or do not want guests and that going round the back is intrusive.

If this is how Bettie feels then Annie should respect that. Bettie is being perfectly reasonable. For all Annie knows Bettie and her Dh could be having some wild sex on the kitchen counter and don’t want to be disturbed by a friend or relative peering through the window.

In my family it's ok to go round the back or open the door and shout hello.

But everyone has to be ok with this to work.

So going forward Annie needs to respect Bettie's boundaries

I'd only do this to a vulnerable person, or if I had concrete plans to see that person at that place at that time.

Otherwise, not a chance.

Imagine if you caught them with their partner going at it on the kitchen table.

YABU - Bettie is right. Peering though windows at the back it out of order.

There's is no justification unless there was a genuine concern for Bettie, as there was not, I would be very pissed off with Annie.