Who is BU here?

[IPlayMyGuitar]

Annie and Bettie are close relatives and live a few miles part.
When Annie is out doing errands, she will sometimes drop in to see Bettie unannounced. Annie does the same with Bettie, so calling round unannounced is not a problem.

Annie called round to see Bettie, but nobody answered the door. She went round the back of the house into the garden to see if Bettie was in but had not heard the bell. Annie feels that as they are close family it is reasonable to go round the back to check if they have not heard the doorbell.

Bettie feels that if they do not answer the door then Annie should know they are either not in or do not want guests and that going round the back is intrusive.

YABU - Annie is right. Peering though windows at the back it out of order.
YANBU - Bettie is right. They are close family and she thought Bettie hadn't heard her at the door.

Nobody should be peering through windows.
We had a postman once who knocked, I was asleep on sofa as working nights and I knew I hadn't ordered anything/wasn't expecting anyone - next thing, he's knocking on the window and looking through at me. Asking me to take a parcel in for a neighbour down the street. Not even next door!!!!

Team Bettie.

No no no! I read it wrong, team Annie!!!

I hope you told him off @ManchesterLu!

I'm on the fence.
As kids we were always going round the garden to 'knock' for our friends - a lot of them didn't even use their front door so maybe my view is skewed by that.
But it is a breach of privacy and I'd just assume someone wasn't home if they didn't answer the door really.
A simple clarification of please don't do it again should suffice from Bettie, and an apology and non repeat from Annie.

This is absolute nonsense! They are close relatives and friends. Of course Annie should check - what if Bettie was lying dead on the floor? Personally, I would even go as far as opening back door in this case (if unlocked) and calling in "HELLO! ANYBODY HOME?"
Anyway, now Annie knows what Bettie's line is, she should respect it.

I'm entirely with mothershship upthread. Sounds like they have a very close relationship so Annie didn't mean any harm and assumed the only reason she would be in and not open the door is if she didn't hear it.

Bettie was perfectly within her rights to ask Annie not to do it again though and Annie should respect the fact that some times Bettie might not answer because she doesn't want visitors.

No need for anyone to fall out over this.

An elderly man from my church once walked round into my back garden because I hadn't answered the door. I was sunbathing in a bikini. Not topless, thankfully. But we were both embarrassed. Someone doesn't answer? Go away, or ring them.

If it's not convenient for visitors, why wouldn't she just answer the door and say that now is not a good time?

YABU

I am happy for people to drop by unannounced BUT if I don't answer I am either in, or busy and don't want to be disturbed.

Looking through windows is odd

Going round the back to check through windows would only be ok IMO if:

• the person you’re checking on is vulnerable and you have reason to believe they might be in difficulty
• you’d made a very definite arrangement to call round and it’s really weird they’re not answering and you are close and go into each others gardens all the time for this sort of thing
• It’s high summer and there’s a good chance they’re in the garden and haven’t heard you AND you’re v close and you know they don’t mind.

The person may not have answered the door because they don’t want visitors right now. They might be busy. And maybe the person who calls round wouldn’t take an immediate no for an answer. Checking through the windows at the back is pretty invasive. They’re assuming that “if x is in, she is happy to see me and spend time with me”. Even if they love you dearly they might not want that right then.

Or why not drop them a text or call if they aren’t answering the bell? That’s less intrusive than going round the back.

The "not answering the door because don't want guests" is stupid and irritates me. It goes against normal healthy human community or family interaction. Just answer the door FFS and say "hello, lovely to see you, I can't invite you in because it's not convenient at the moment".
If I thought someone was home but hadn't answered the door then yes I would peer through a window if I could, to check everything was ok and they were not lying on the floor needing help. Likewise, if someone rings my doorbell I will always answer the door, even if I'm not able to invite in.

Maybe she’s concentrating and doesn’t want any sort of interruption. Maybe the person at the door is likely to say “oh I wont stay long” then come in for half an hour for chit chat. Maybe the person at the door would get very very offended that the visitee isn’t making time to see them.

One day Annie is going to peer in the back window and see Bettie in a full leather catsuit paddling the vicar's arse.

Then Annie will understand she is BU

yes round the back is unreasonable if no vulnerabilities involved.

Is Annie your mother or your mother-in-law?

OP is BVU

Tricky - it sort of depends on what’s established between them. If there’s no precedent for this being ok, then I’d say it is too intrusive.

I don’t think peering through windows is really on unless emergency, so lean towards that, but my main reaction is ‘are two women really arguing about this?’ It seems like a simple ‘that felt intrusive to me, please don’t do that again’ and move on. Some arguments can get into a ridiculous place of ‘I can’t believe you do/don’t think that’s ok’ which is pointless. People think differently, we just need to communicate clearly about our different wishes and if people continue to trample them, then there’s an actual argument to be had.

Peering through windows! What if she was doing naked yoga in the back of the house 😂 But honestly I’d find it very invasive. If no answer at door, I would try phoning, not creeping around like a bloody perv.

I would go round the back if it was my parents, sisters and bf if I saw the car and thought they were in. I'd prob try and ring them first in case they were in a work call.

My mum had a friend like that who would call in at inconvenient times and would come round the back if we didn't answer, so we sometimes hid in the pantry until she went.

Why can’t whichever it is in the house just answer the door and say they’re busy if they don’t want a visit? I can’t understand all this type of behaviour. The only time I don answer is Halloween when the trick or treaters are out😂😂😂. If I was visiting I’d maybe text and say I’d dropped by, sorry to miss them and see them another time. In the other hand. Close family in our house just walk in!! Doors locked means they’re not in.

Unless there's a reason to be concerned, then if they don't answer you leave. Poking round is really intrusive.

Different if they have mental or physical health issues which leaves them at risk but you'd still ask what they're like you to do.

You muddled me so I voted wrongly. I agree with Bettie.