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AIBU?

Adolescents always at home and intimacy.

50 replies

mum00ver · 15/01/2024 09:00

I am a mother of an 18-year-old teenager. I got remarried last October, and fortunately, my son and my husband get along very well; my son considers him a father. I am trying to involve him in everything in our new family. However, the issue that concerns me the most is managing our intimacy, considering that he is always at home.

Usually, we wake up early in the morning when he is asleep. However, yesterday afternoon, being very attentive to the sounds, we closed ourselves in our room while he was playing PlayStation in his room with headphones. This morning, during breakfast, he asked if he could go to sleep upstairs, and I felt very uncomfortable. I am sure he couldn't have heard anything, also because the door was closed, and there were no obvious noises. Perhaps he imagined the situation, or maybe he reflected on the fact that on Saturday night I asked him if he would like to have a little brother or sister after many years as an only child.

I would like to know what you think. Should I accept him moving his bed upstairs, even though it's not well-heated, despite having portable heaters? I don't want him to feel left out.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

27 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
81%
You are NOT being unreasonable
19%
MermaidEyes · 15/01/2024 09:08

What do you mean by upstairs? Do you live in a bungalow? If he wants to change bedrooms then let him. Also, is there never an hour when he's at school or out with mates and you're both at home? He's 18, presumably he doesn't stop in 24/7?!

SwingTheMonkey · 15/01/2024 09:09

He’s an adult? Why is he always at home? Doesn’t he have a social life or a job? Why have you asked him if he’d like a brother or sister? He’s an adult. You’re treating him like a child. I’m sure he’s well aware you have sex with your husband.

mum00ver · 15/01/2024 09:11

I am Italian, we live in a multi-story townhouse.

OP posts:
SM4713 · 15/01/2024 09:15

OP- You haven't answered any questions!

SwingTheMonkey · 15/01/2024 09:17

And yes, he probably wants to move upstairs because he can hear you shagging. Let him. Or perhaps not being at home 24/7 might also be a solution.

MermaidEyes · 15/01/2024 09:17

SM4713 · 15/01/2024 09:15

OP- You haven't answered any questions!

I hope it's not going to be one of those threads....

Whataretheodds · 15/01/2024 09:18

I dont understand the moving the bed thing - does he want to move to a room on the same floor as you and you're worried he'll be able to hear?

Does he not have a job or education or social life?

mum00ver · 15/01/2024 09:19

I am working and responding as much as possible within my schedule. Moreover, English is not my native language.

OP posts:
Youcannotbeseriousreally · 15/01/2024 09:19

MermaidEyes · 15/01/2024 09:17

I hope it's not going to be one of those threads....

It is. Absolutely 🙄

Shiningout · 15/01/2024 09:20

You asked him if he'd like a baby brother or sister?? And yeah why is an 18 year old at home constantly, that's the issue here.

MermaidEyes · 15/01/2024 09:21

Your English is better than mine OP...

Mothership4two · 15/01/2024 09:23

OP can you spell out exactly what the problem is? It's not clear from your posts. Has your son moved bedrooms away from yours and now you are assuming he has heard you?

mum00ver · 15/01/2024 09:23

He studies at a distance university and works from home, and these days in Italy, it's freezing. In our house, we talk about everything, and I believe it's appropriate to discuss the possible arrival of a little brother after so many years.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 15/01/2024 09:23

I don't quite understand the situation.

Put simply, I have a lot more sex with dp when ds is either at work, at university, with his girlfriend, or out with his friends. The other times I think him hearing a few quiet but no doubt unmistakable sounds is not the end of the world and I hope will be part of what makes him plan to move out tbh.

I'm more concerned that you think your ds 'considers him a father' - how long have you been together? And asking him if he wants a baby sibling - if he said no, would you stop trying to conceive? And if you would go on even if he said no, why are you trying to involve him? He should be spreading his wings for his own life, not enmeshed with yours.

MermaidEyes · 15/01/2024 09:24

But surely he must have friends and a social life? If not that's quite concerning.

mum00ver · 15/01/2024 09:26

Mothership4two · 15/01/2024 09:23

OP can you spell out exactly what the problem is? It's not clear from your posts. Has your son moved bedrooms away from yours and now you are assuming he has heard you?

No. My son wants to move his room upstairs. And I wonder why he made this choice.

OP posts:
bobomomo · 15/01/2024 09:26

At 18 surely he goes out?, or he needs to understand that grown adults have sex (i don't mean really noisy I should add, but completely silent isn't always possible). At 18 hasn't he had girl/boy friends?

We have young adults at home so we are definitely discreet eg I wouldn't sneak off to our room in the afternoon if they are home but late at night or first thing in the morning it's acceptable

sssf24 · 15/01/2024 09:27

mum00ver · 15/01/2024 09:23

He studies at a distance university and works from home, and these days in Italy, it's freezing. In our house, we talk about everything, and I believe it's appropriate to discuss the possible arrival of a little brother after so many years.

I get this. I have Italian relatives. Family is central to everything and it's culturally common for multiple generations to remain living together and sharing their lives in a way British families wouldn't necessarily do.

mum00ver · 15/01/2024 09:31

@sssf24

Exactly, thank you. Here it's different, many guys live with their parents even at 30 years old.

OP posts:
aperolspritzbasicbitch · 15/01/2024 09:31

You haven't even hinted at what 'moving his bedroom upstairs' changes.

Are you currently on the same floor?
Are your bedrooms next to each other?
Do you think he wants to move upstairs because he heard?
Or do you not want him to move upstairs as it will increase the chance he hears?

EndOfABook · 15/01/2024 09:32

I’ve read similar before. That one was deleted. Maybe don’t waste your time. New week, new weirdos.

Mothership4two · 15/01/2024 09:38

The OP wasn't about cultural differences though, it was about OP assuming her son felt uncomfortable about the sexual side of her relationship with her new husband for some reason but didn't really make clear why she felt that (I think!). It's difficult to comment/offer advice when it's not clear what is being asked.

And it is not uncommon for children to live with parents well into adulthood in UK now and to have older generation living there too or close in granny flats, etc.

sssf24 · 15/01/2024 09:41

Mothership4two · 15/01/2024 09:38

The OP wasn't about cultural differences though, it was about OP assuming her son felt uncomfortable about the sexual side of her relationship with her new husband for some reason but didn't really make clear why she felt that (I think!). It's difficult to comment/offer advice when it's not clear what is being asked.

And it is not uncommon for children to live with parents well into adulthood in UK now and to have older generation living there too or close in granny flats, etc.

No, but the cultural context became important when OP was being asked "why does your son still live at home at 18?" and "why are you asking him if he wants a baby brother" etc.

Cultural factors may possibly (at least in part) explain the closeness there.

PermanentTemporary · 15/01/2024 09:55

OK. I do get that I'm responding very much from my own cultural context. But if the family is so close and able to talk about stuff that in my family absolutely would not be his burden to carry, why not ask him why he wants to move his bedroom upstairs? I guess from my cultural context I would expect him to say because it's a bigger room. Tbh he may be more worried about you hearing him having sex/masturbating than the other way round.

SwingTheMonkey · 15/01/2024 10:27

sssf24 · 15/01/2024 09:41

No, but the cultural context became important when OP was being asked "why does your son still live at home at 18?" and "why are you asking him if he wants a baby brother" etc.

Cultural factors may possibly (at least in part) explain the closeness there.

Not a single person has asked why the son still lives at home at 18 - that’s perfectly normal. Several, including me have asked why he’s at home ‘all of the time’. Now, I’m no expert, but surely teenagers having no social life outside of the home, isn’t a typical Italian thing?

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