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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Upset at ex?

52 replies

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 08:04

NC because I'm embarrassed.

Broke up with my ex only a couple of weeks ago. We have a baby together, 10 months old.

My choice to end things. Lots of reasons, mainly not feeling loved and supported. Lots of little lies too. Gave him many chances to change/step up but didn't.

My single friend has sent me a screenshot of my ex on a dating app. I've also clocked that he's changed his profile picture on WhatsApp to one from 3 years ago where he must think he looks good.

I know we aren't together so I have no right to be upset. But I feel it. It's been a couple of weeks. Not to mention he's seen his child once in that time for 2 hours!

But he has time to date/find someone new?

I've asked him what his plan is for seeing our child and if he will commit to regular days and times and he's giving me the run around.

OP posts:

HeidiIeigh · 15/01/2024 08:09

He has every right to be on dating apps and change his profile picture he is single. But he needs to step up and be a Dad, it's 2 separate issues.

Shoxfordian · 15/01/2024 08:11

It sounds like you're going to need to do this on your own because he's not interested in being a parent, just in meeting the next poor girl to repeat the pattern

Whattodo112222 · 15/01/2024 08:14

What he does in his personal life is none of your business, but I agree he absolutely needs to step up and be father. You can be upset at whatever you like OP, but it's his life.

Unfortunately, some men are just like this

bluechicky · 15/01/2024 08:16

Two seperate things. He's not with you. He can date or whatever.

Make sure you're claiming cms

Original poster

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 08:17

Yea I know he's single and he can date.

It's the fact he's not got time to see his child. Once in 2 weeks but is dating/on apps.

OP posts:

WhatanEmbarrasment · 15/01/2024 08:21

He has got time, he doesn’t want to. Seems he would rather look for sex. Nothing you can do about it but get use to him not bothering it’s a common theme. Nothing new.

bluechicky · 15/01/2024 08:22

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 08:17

Yea I know he's single and he can date.

It's the fact he's not got time to see his child. Once in 2 weeks but is dating/on apps.

Don't know why you would be embarrassed about that. he should be embarrassed about that but not you.

HeidiIeigh · 15/01/2024 08:23

The dating apps are not relevant. The lack of seeing his child is the only relevant thing.

Yahyahs22 · 15/01/2024 08:24

OP didn't ask if he's allowed to move on, she's asking if it's unreasonable for her to be upset about it even though she's the one that ended it. And no, of course you can. The split is very new and you've not long become parents together, of course it's going to sting!
But it won't always feel that way. He'll move on quickly, I've met more than my fair share of guys like this. When he does, don't do the whole "she's not meeting my baby" "you can't see our child when you're with her" thing. It will just feed into the story he'll tell her about you. He'll make you out to be awful, be the opposite.

maddening · 15/01/2024 08:29

bluechicky · 15/01/2024 08:22

Don't know why you would be embarrassed about that. he should be embarrassed about that but not you.

Show quote history

The op hasn't mentioned being embarrassed?

Original poster

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 08:32

I know he will probably tell people that I won't let him see our child and spin that he's the victim, when I've actually been asking him to please see her, can we come up with a schedule etc.

He didn't do much parenting when we were together and I haven't had a break since she's been born.

Just annoys me that his priorities seem so messed up.

OP posts:

Beezknees · 15/01/2024 08:36

I actually think it's selfish to be looking for a new relationship when you have a 10 month old. He should be focusing on being a parent. Obviously you can't do anything about it though.

Marblessolveeverything · 15/01/2024 08:40

The very sad and unfair reality is he has the choice to parent. Plenty of men decide to not.

I agree he probably will spin the line about you blocking him. My friend ensured she sent all correspondence to her ex on email copying a specific email address. She used this to show her child of the weekly attempts to engage their father.

spearthatbroc · 15/01/2024 08:49

are you getting maintenance?

Original poster

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 08:55

He hasn't offered any financial support for her no, I did an application to CMS last week.

OP posts:

spearthatbroc · 15/01/2024 08:56

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 08:55

He hasn't offered any financial support for her no, I did an application to CMS last week.

This needs to be your focus

Original poster

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 08:58

@spearthatbroc yes getting what my child is entitled to is a focus, I've applied to CMS which is all I can do right now, it takes some time for them to process.

I know what people are saying that he can do what he likes with the dating. But it just makes me angry he's had only 2 hours for his child in the past 2 weeks but got time to focus on that clearly.

If I was doing that I feel like I'd get slated.

OP posts:

Meadowfinch · 15/01/2024 09:03

He's only seen your LO once in two weeks. Unless he has a rock solid excuse like being in hospital, I think you need to prepare to be a lone parent.

If he can't be bothered now, while he has little social life, he will be even less interested when there is a new lady on the scene. Some men are just rubbish. 🙁

toomuchfaff · 15/01/2024 09:04

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 08:17

Yea I know he's single and he can date.

It's the fact he's not got time to see his child. Once in 2 weeks but is dating/on apps.

You've discovered your ex is a wankstain; congratulations. You've made the right choice to leave; now You've got to put up with the letdown of him being a shit father too..

2 totally separate issues:
1 - him dating... good luck to the next girl, sounds like she will need it.
2 - him being a letdown as a father; this will blight your life for the next 18 years... set some boundaries and hopefully he will up his game.

toomuchfaff · 15/01/2024 09:09

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 08:32

I know he will probably tell people that I won't let him see our child and spin that he's the victim, when I've actually been asking him to please see her, can we come up with a schedule etc.

He didn't do much parenting when we were together and I haven't had a break since she's been born.

Just annoys me that his priorities seem so messed up.

We're his priorities messed up before you got pregnant? Were there signs?
He's probably always been this, but now your eyes are WIDE open...

You can't hold him to the standards you hold yourself; he will never meet them, what you need to do is understand who/what he is, and baseline from there.

Theunamedcat · 15/01/2024 09:13

He will get a girlfriend

Tell her he can't see his kid because of you

She will encourage him to "fight for access"

He will ask and you will give it to him without a fight because that's what you have been asking him for all along ffs

He will "win" and his girlfriend will swoon over her manly man

Rinse and repeat for 18 fucking years

My ex "accidentally" sent me the link to his dating profile the thing that annoyed me wasn't that he was dating it was the picture he used was one I took of him on our fucking HONEYMOON and that he was also using pictures of our children he swiped from my Facebook on his dating profile

So I reported the pictures of the kids got them removed and removed the friend who gave him access to my Facebook profile

Original poster

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 09:41

It's silly because I have it all on writing that I've been asking him to see her/ set up a schedule to see her so she's got stability.

He's perfectly capable of taking her on his own for a couple of hours and could build up to overnights.

And hes been useless since she was born, hence the ending of the relationship. At the gym every evening/out with mates all the time/never helping.

I guess he may not step up at all and I'll have to accept that.

OP posts:

spearthatbroc · 15/01/2024 09:44

why subject your baby daughter to someone who doesn’t really want to be with her?

Muchof · 15/01/2024 09:49

maddening · 15/01/2024 08:29

The op hasn't mentioned being embarrassed?

Show quote history

@maddening

Read the first sentence of first post again. 😉

Original poster

beehappy2 · 15/01/2024 09:51

Sorry yes I'm embarrassed that he's such a twat. I'm embarrassed that my friend saw him on tinder.

I think being honest with myself part of the reason I feel upset is that I hoped losing his family may by the kick up the arse he needed... I hoped he'd be doing anything right now to prove he can be a good father to DD.

He says he "loves and misses her so much".

But his actions speak otherwise and he's not making time for her.

OP posts:

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